Jim Benton

“Homework strongly indicates that the teachers are not doing their jobs well enough during the school day. It's not like they'll let you bring your home stuff to school and work on it there. You can't say, 'I didn't finish sleeping at home, so I have to work on finishing my sleep here.”

“Okay, Dumb Diary, school has taught me a few things over the years. Once, it taught me the difference between alligators and crocodiles. (Even alligators and crocodiles don't really care. Just avoid both.)”

“Life is like a pizza.It is good to eat. You better share your pizza with me.You greedy Piggy slob.”

“Your life is like a pizza.It could be round, it could be square.But you'll enjoy it most of all When it's something that you share.”

“For the love of all humanity, shake what your mama gave you!”

“Mrs. Palmer is a teacher so naturally I assumed she would never do anything good for me.”

“There are four categories of questions Emmily asks:1. Can I please go to the bathroom?2. Where is the bathroom?3. Is it okay if I raise my hand and ask a question?4. I don't understand anything you've said in the last thirty minutes. Could you explain it again? Also the last six weeks.”

“How Superheroes Make Money: - Spider-Man knits sweaters. - Superman screw the lids on pickle jars. - Iron Man, as you would suspect, just irons.”

“The following ten throws went a variety of places. I never hit the target, but I was getting closer. Isabella was laughing so hard she wrote "Please stop can't breathe" in the dirt with her finger.”

“I'm telling you, the gorgeous of the world can actually look pretty intimidating when they scowl. Imagine a snow-white swan with a scary tattoo holding a chain saw. There's just no way to really prepare for that.”

“I had the great idea of using markers to gently color the ants so I could tell them apart, but I learned that this is exactly like somebody trying to gently color on you with a thirty-story building. Without dwelling on the tragedy, I'd just like to say that I'm deeply sorry to Mr. Purple and the surviving Purple family.”

“He giggled like a puppy being tickled by a kitten wearing a duckling costume.”

“Ant 1: So, uh, do you ever worry that your itsy little neck is just going to snap under the weight of your head? Ant 2: Stop asking me that. You ask me that, like, every five minutes. Ant 1: Sometimes I notice my antennae out of the corner of my eye and I'm all, like: AHH! Something is on me! Get it off! Get it off! Ant 2: Yeah, the antennae again. Listen, I just remembered, I have to go walk around aimlessly now.”

“Things Isabella Wouldn't Care About: - Titanic sinking again. - Metror striking Earth and landing directly on top of world's most innocent panda. - Titanic sinking again and this time the entire crew is puppies.”

“This means that I don't have to run faster than the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal, I just have to run faster than whoever is with me when the psychotic-maniac-vampire-cannibal starts chasing us.”

“The Destructive Arts are exactly like Martial Arts, except they don't have uniforms or usefulness and the end result doesn't resemble art in any way.”

“I can't imagine the scientists wanting me to walk into the lab and start fiddling around with some big bowl of electrons they had out.”

“Buy me stuff and I'll be nicer”

“School prepares you for the real world but I want the fake world. TEEHEE”

“Love makes the world go 'round but I'm pretty sure money has to do with it, too.”

“Kissing the frog to get the prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.”

“My pants cut the cheese. Let one fly. Baked a batch of brownies.”

“never underestimate your dumbness!!”

“School prepares you for the real world... which also bites.”