Joanne McClean

“What is life if you don't have a dream to chase?”

“Reading feeds the soul, writing nourishes it!”

“So,” he began, after several minutes of silence, “how much did it kill you having to text me?”I chuckled. “A lot. I was just glad I didn’t throw away the receipt – I didn’t fancy digging through bags of rubbish.”Danny threw me another half-smile. “So you didn’t throw it out after all? I knew it!”I rolled my eyes. “Your arrogance astounds me … could you be anymore conceited?”“Could you be anymore attracted to me?” He quipped back.I scoffed at him. “In your dreams! Do you really get girls like this?”He quirked an eyebrow and flashed me that adorable crooked grin. “Many. Why – you jealous?”“Hardly,” I shot back at him, “you’re not my type so don’t flatter yourself.”He shrugged. “One hour with me turning on the charm and you’d be singing a different tune … trust me on that.”I laughed. “You know there’s a fine line between being charming and being cocky … and you my friend, fall into the latter. And it’s not something to be proud of – it’s not an attractive quality.”Danny smirked yet again. “Ouch. You really know how to insult a guy. Are you always this pleasant?”“Are you always this obnoxious?” I retorted back.“Ooh touché. You know – if I didn’t know any better – I’d almost mistake your frostiness for flirting.” He flashed me another half-smile and threw me a knowing look.I rolled my eyes again. “Well you would, wouldn’t you Mr Overly-sure-of-himself?”I watched as his confidence seemed to go into overdrive. “Say what you will, but I know you’re secretly charmed by me.”I shrugged. “Whatever … just don’t be too disappointed when I don’t fall at your feet.”He looked at me with a twinkle in his eye. “Well, try not to be too surprised when you do.” I raised an eyebrow at him. “Don’t hold your breath.”

“He looked at me intently before speaking. “Why do you do that?”I frowned at him. “Do what?”“Push everyone away.” Danny told me simply.I was a little stunned and when I didn’t say anything, Danny continued on.“Darcie, what are you so afraid of? Why do you shut people out?” He looked at me searchingly.“Because it’s easier that way!” I yelled at him suddenly and he looked taken aback. I took a deep breath to calm down and added, “And I don’t like feeling vulnerable.” Danny stared at me. “Being vulnerable is nothing to be ashamed of Darcie …it’s what makes us human.”I shook my head furiously. “No! Being vulnerable makes you weak – just like every other emotion … if you allow yourself to care, you only end up getting hurt.”Danny threw me a consoling look. “But there’s nothing wrong with caring –”“No!” I interrupted angrily. “I don’t want to care! You only end up getting hurt … and it hurts so bad that you can’t breathe. I don’t want to feel like that. I don’t want to feel at all! It’s just easier to shut everyone out … if you don’t care about them – you won’t get hurt!”

“Danny looked stunned. “But what about the people who care about you?”I shook my head. “They shouldn’t waste their time … I’m not gonna change. I can’t be fixed Danny!” I wiped ferociously at the tears that were falling down my cheeks and threw him a challenging look. “I’m not trying to fix you Darcie.” Danny told me softly, his eyes boring into mine. “But you have to realise that everyone’s a little bit broken and all they need is someone to help fill in the holes and cracks – that’s all.”

“I had to accept the fact that bad things happen. It’s out of our control and I know it hurts like hell but you learn to move on. Yes, the pain never fades and it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do but eventually you learn to breathe again.”

“I love you and sometimes that means you have to sacrifice your own happiness to be selfless.”

“... somewhere along the line you’re going to have to admit that you have feelings for me. I know you do ... it just seems like you don’t know it yet.”

“But then you ... you come along. You screwed up my plan. Suddenly my life’s not liveable, it’s not fine and I’m no longer happy. My life’s worse, much more worse than before ... and it’s all because of you. I’m scared of you. I run from you. And I push you away ... but why? Because I am scared of you, I’m scared of my feelings for you ... I’m scared of losing you. But mostly ... mostly I’m scared that if I don’t hold on too tight ... I’m scared that I’ll lose you forever.”

“Never change who you are because somebody says you should … and never change because you think you should. In life, we are all destined to come across a situation where it will be tempting to pretend to be someone we are not.I want us all to resist this – no matter how enticing it may seem at the time – it will always turn out badly. You are who you are and why should you pretend to be any different? Believe in yourself no matter what. My only advice is that if you do think you should change – don’t think of it as change – think of it as improvement. Never try to be something you’re not – instead, be something you want to be.”

“I smiled at him, “It’s okay, boys can be dumb.”Alex smirked, “Yeah, and girls can drive you crazy.”

“Why are you trying to be something you’re not?”I shrugged, “People change, get used to it Alex. It’s not like you know me anyway.”He nodded, “You’ve got that right. I just hope you haven’t lost yourself in the process … it would be a real shame if you couldn’t find your way back.”I frowned at him, “And what the hell is that supposed to mean Alex?”He studied my eyes intently, “I just don’t want you to forget who you truly are … because I liked that girl.”