John Corwin

“I tried to beat the crap out of someone's fist with my face”

“I probably looked like an infuriated chipmunk.”

“Apparently alcohol increases charm and courage by at least ten points.”

“That's all life is kiddo. When you've had enough contributions to your delinquency, then you're officially an adult.”

“The girl might be gorgeous under normal circumstances, but she was an ugly crier.”

“I might be short, chubby, and require a B-cup manzier, but I was still a man.”

“Hell, yeah, Ryland. Man up and carpe girl.”

“Great. I guess you're the dog whisperer, vampire edition.”

“I felt a smile on my face. "Thanks." "For what?" "Using my name instead of calling me a thing.”

“Those are Klingon and Federation ships," I said. "You're a nerd, Shelton, but, holy crap, do I love this.”

“Ready for your first lesson, cupcake?”

“Can I finish my blasted story? We'll get to supernatural kindergarten later.”

“Does this mean Harry Potter really exists?”

“No wonder Edward was such a crazy driver," I muttered. "Who's Edward?" Elyssa asked. "You know, from Twilight.”

“I wanted to find a nice quiet spot, go to sleep, and dream about kittens.”

“What was it about women and crying that made me feel like crap? They must have guilt pheromones in their tears.”

“I looked at her like I'd just seen a miniature Elvis break-dancing on her head.”

“Despite the weight of the world on my shoulders, the temptation to stop and smell the supernatural roses tugged on my sleeves a time or two.”

“I was falling for Elyssa and my track record with girls looked like a zombie apocalypse.”

“Wait, so you do love me?" I asked, hope welling in my heart.She growled and pounded her fist into a locker, leaving a fist-shaped dent. "Stop it, Justin. Stop it!"I grabbed her shoulders. "Look at me and tell me you don't love me," I said. "Do it and I'll never bother you again.""I don't love you," she mumbled."Look at me when you say it!"She turned to me, her eyes hard but dull and faded. "I don't love you."I let her go. My heart turned to lead, the heavy lump sagging in my chest. "Well, if there are agents out there looking to kill me, I guess it would be a mercy."I turned to leave. Her hand gripped my shoulder."Please listen to me, Justin."I pushed her hand away but didn't turn to face her. I couldn't let her see the tears welling in my eyes. "Why? What does it matter?""It just does. I—I don't want to see you hurt."I took a deep shuddering breath. "You're not doing a very good job of it." I walked away and left her standing there.”

“Bryan helped me up.  "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged.  "I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?”

“Tight dump on three" he said... "I have to drop a deuce on the count of three?”

“Nothing could make me pull away meat-market love goddess. My sexy little filet mignon”

“My eyelids felt like had tiny but chubby sleep faeries hanging on the lashes and pulling them closed”

“My God, you're hurt," Kyle said. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't use his name around me right now. He's kicking my ass." "God?" "No, but his bitch is." "How? It's impossible to hurt ghosts." "Tell that to the smoking crater on my chest.”

“You let your mind rule your reality instead of you ruling your mind." "Are you reading this stuff out of a Dr. Phil book?”

“Besides, we have the one the God Hand wishes to see." "What about the God foot?" I said. "Or the God pinky finger?”

“Anil may have been human, but he thought like Rrilk," Phiirr said. "And I never found out what a Twinkie was.”

“This is not good," I said. "These guys have a superiority complex bigger than Miss Compton's butt.""And she had the biggest butt of them all," Kyle said.”

“Harb was a ticking time bomb. It was like watching a preacher with Tourette syndrome. You knew the "Shit! Balls!" was coming at some point during the sermon, probably while he was slapping you on the forehead during a faith healing.”

“My mind is clear! Yay! This is so cool. I need to tell Chris. Oh, I wonder how hard the next phase will be. I can't wait to try possessing another gorilla.”

“What the hell is wrong with me? And who is Nibbles?”

“Better check your pants, Kyle. I think you had a nerdgasm.”

“Everything occurred in phases. The "Holy Crap, We're Dead!" phase was marked by mass hysteria. Mass euphoria resulted from the "Holy Crap, We're Free of Life's Burdens!" phase. Now things had shifted into the "Holy Crap, We Can Do Whatever We Want!" phase in which mass indulgence made the ancient Romans look like teetotalers.”

“This is worse than death. Now i have to spend eternity with my nagging wife and mother-in-law. what did i do to deserve this?”

“Life had jerked the carpet out from underneath us and left a shattered mess”

“I´d use Google to find out, but seem to have misplaced my house along with my laptop”

“Even though the place looked like Kansas, I didn´t need to tell Toto that my Facebook Places status wasnñt anywhere on the planet Earth, much less Kansas.”