Johnny Carson

“If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.”

“Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.”

“Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.”

“If life was fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators dead.”

“I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.”

“In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!”

“people pay more to be entertained that educated ”

“For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.”

“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.”

“Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "storms suck!”

“Asked how he became a star, Mr. Carson once replied, “I started in a gaseous state and then I cooled.”

“For 3 days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but the phone calls taper off.”