Jonathan Littell

“A ty zabijałeś ludzi"?.-"Raz musiałem dobijać. Ale zazwyczaj zajmowałem się wywiadem, pisałem raporty".-"A co czułeś, jak strzelałeś do tych ludzi?". Odpowiedziałem bez wachania: "To samo, co czułem, patrząc, jak inni strzelają. Gdy istnieje taka konieczność, staje się nieważne, kto to robi. Poza tym uważam, że patrząć, ponoszę taką samą odpowiedzialność jak ci, co strzelają".”

“I got back into my car and followed the trucks; at the end of the road, the Polizei unloaded the women and children, who rejoined the men arriving on foot. A number of Jews, as they walked, were singing religious songs; few tried to run away; the ones who did were soon stopped by the cordon or shot down. From the top, you could hear the gun bursts clearly, and the women especially were starting to panic. But there was nothing they could do. The condemned were divided into little groups and a noncom sitting at a table counted them; then our Askaris took them and led them over the brink of the ravine. After each volley, another group left, it went very quickly. I walked around the ravine by the west to join the other officers, who had taken up positions above the north slope. From there, the ravine stretched out in front of me: it must have been some fifty meters wide and maybe thirty meters deep, and went on for several kilometers; the little stream at the bottom ran into the Syrets, which gave its name to the neighborhood. Boards had been placed over this stream so the Jews and their shooters could cross easily; beyond, scattered pretty much everywhere on the bare sides of the ravine, the little white clusters were multiplying. The Ukrainian “packers” dragged their charges to these piles and forced them to lie down over them or next to them; the men from the firing squad then advanced and passed along the rows of people lying down almost naked, shooting each one with a submachine bullet in the neck; there were three firing squads in all. Between the executions some officers inspected the bodies and finished them off with a pistol. To one side, on a hill overlooking the scene, stood groups of officers from the SS and the Wehrmacht. Jeckeln was there with his entourage, flanked by Dr. Rasch; I also recognized some high-ranking officers of the Sixth Army. I saw Thomas, who noticed me but didn’t return my greeting. On the other side, the little groups tumbled down the flank of the ravine and joined the clusters of bodies that stretched farther and farther out. The cold was becoming biting, but some rum was being passed around, and I drank a little. Blobel emerged suddenly from a car on our side of the ravine, he must have driven around it; he was drinking from a little flask and shouting, complaining that things weren’t going fast enough. But the pace of the operations had been stepped up as much as possible. The shooters were relieved every hour, and those who weren’t shooting supplied them with rum and reloaded the clips. The officers weren’t talking much; some were trying to hide their distress. The Ortskommandantur had set up a field kitchen, and a military pastor was preparing some tea to warm up the Orpos and the members of the Sonderkommando. At lunchtime, the superior officers returned to the city, but the subalterns stayed to eat with the men. Since the executions had to continue without pause, the canteen had been set up farther down, in a hollow from which you couldn’t see the ravine. The Group was responsible for the food supplies; when the cases were broken open, the men, seeing rations of blood pudding, started raging and shouting violently. Häfner, who had just spent an hour administering deathshots, was yelling and throwing the open cans onto the ground: “What the hell is this shit?” Behind me, a Waffen-SS was noisily vomiting. I myself was livid, the sight of the pudding made my stomach turn. I went up to Hartl, the Group’s Verwaltungsführer, and asked him how he could have done that. But Hartl, standing there in his ridiculously wide riding breeches, remained indifferent. Then I shouted at him that it was a disgrace: “In this situation, we can do without such food!”

“Правото не ме интересуваше повече от търговията, пък и бях започнал да харесвам дантелата – това възхитително и съразмерно творение на човека. Когато купихме достатъчно станове, собственикът реши да отвори втора фабрика и ми повери ръководството й. Оттогава, в очакване на пенсията, заемам този пост. Междувременно се ожених, наистина с известно отвращение, но тук, на Север, бе по-скоро необходимо, начин да заздравя придобитото. Избрах я от добро семейство, относително хубава, добре възпитана, и веднага й направих дете, за да има с какво да се занимава. За нещастие роди близнаци, изглежда, е в семейството, моето, искам да кажа, на мен лично едно-единствено хлапе щеше да ми е предостатъчно. Шефът ми отпусна пари в аванс, купих удобна къща, немного далеч от морето. Ето как станах буржоа. При всички положения бе по-добре. След всичко, което се бе случило, имах нужда от спокойствие и редовност. Животът пречупи гръбнака на младежките ми мечти, а страховете ми бавно се разпиляваха от единия до другия край на германска Европа. От войната излязох като празен човек, единствено с горчивина и продължителен, като скърцащ между зъбите пясък, срам. Затова ме устройваше живот, съобразен с всички обществени условности: удобна обвивка, макар често да я приемам с ирония, а понякога и с омраза. С тази отмереност, надявам се, някога да достигна до благодатното състояние на Жером Надал и да „не склонявам на нищо, освен ако не склонявам на нещо“. Ето, че ставам книжен; това е един от недостатъците ми. Толкова по-зле за святостта, все още не съм се освободил от нуждите си. Понякога се случва да уважавам жена си, добросъвестно, почти без удоволствие, но и без прекалено отвращение, за да бъде мир в семейството. И много рядко, по време на командировки, си давам труда отново да се върна към старите си привички; но то е вече почти единствено за поддържане на хигиената. Загубих голяма част от интереса си към всичко това. Тяло на красиво момче, скулптура на Микеланджело, все едно: дъхът ми вече не спира. Както след продължително боледуване, когато храната остава безвкусна; дали ще е телешко или пилешко, какво значение? Трябва да се яде и толкова. Честно казано, твърде малко неща вече ме интересуват. Може би литературата, и то не съм сигурен дали не е въпрос на навик. Възможно е точно заради това да пиша спомени: да раздвижа кръвта си, да видя дали още мога да почувствам нещо, дали още мога поне малко да страдам. Интересно упражнение.”

“Blood transmits a propensity for heart diseases; if it also transmits a propensity for treason, no one has ever been able to prove it.”

“Olhei pela janela e vi como que um torso humano poisado entre os destroços: um soldado alemão, com as duas pernas arrancadas pela explosão, ria a bandeiras despregadas. Eu olhava e ele não parava de rir no meio de uma poça de sangue que alastrava pelo entulho”

“Please, mein Herr, shoot the children cleanly.”

“I was finally beginning to perceive that no matter how many dead people I might see, or people at the instant of their death, I would never manage to grasp death, that very moment, precisely in itself. It was one thing or the other: either you are dead, and then in any case there's nothing else to understand, or else you are not yet dead, and in that case, even with the rifle at the back of your head or the rope around your neck, death remains incomprehensible, a pure abstraction, this absurd idea that I, the only living person in the world, could disappear. Dying, we may already be dead, but we never die, that moment never comes, or rather it never stops coming, there it is, it's coming, and then it's still coming, and then it's already over, without ever having come.”

“A necessidade, já os gregos o sabiam, é uma deusa não só cega mas também cruel.”

“So what's the most atrocious thing you've seen?" He waved his hand: "Man, of course!”

“I have remained someone who believes that the only things indispensable to human life are air, food, drink and excretion, and the search for truth. The rest is optional.”

“If you ever managed to make me cry, my tears would sear your face.”

“If you were born in a country or at a time not only when nobody comes to kill your wife and your children, but also nobody comes to ask you to kill the wives and children of others, then render thanks to God and go in peace. But always keep this thought in mind: you might be luckier than I, but you’re not a better person.”