Jordan Krumbine
Jordan Krumbine is a Creative Wizard™ currently (and happily) bubbled in Hell's Waiting Room, where democracy, civil liberties, and old people go to die (also known as Florida). When not spinning short stories, drafting his next advertising-inappropriate novel, or quietly pounding out feature screenplays on-contract, he's working as a professional video editor and creative producer, playing with (and animating) LEGO, and not-so-silently begging for affection from his two motherfuzzers, Harvey Two-Cheeks and Crawl.
WHAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING:
"[Publishing companies] should be looking at [him] now."
(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)
"The quintessential 20-something Orlando experience. Anyone who's lived through their 20's in the Orlando area will see themselves in this book."
(Religiously Roasted Every Goddamn Day)
"Excellent writing [...] loved the story."
(Florida Girls, A Short Story)
"Engaging, post-modern deconstructionist thought and critical race theory [...] Krumbine uses the character Zaphod Zombie to explore the nihilistic philosophical proclivities of our age."
(Don't Call Me Zombie)
"I am not a reader, however I read this book over a series of my lunch hours at work and didn't want my lunch hour to end!"
(Don't Call Me Zombie)
"I didn't want to put it down."
(Don't Call Me Zombie)
"This took a turn I was not ready for ... made me sick in exactly the way I imagine you were going for!"
(#TextMe😘, A Short Story)
"Belle Delphine meets Saw."
(#TextMe😘, A Short Story)
"Creepier than Black Mirror."
(Pixel Perfect, A Short Story)
"Suspenseful, funny, poignant. Read now so you can say you were a fan from the beginning."
(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)
"I haven't read anything that funny for a long time. Really good stuff."
(Zombie Jesus Wants to Save Your Soul ... for Dessert)
"Wildly original."
(Zombie Jesus Wants to Save Your Soul ... and 6 Other Short Stories)
"Reads in a Raymond Chandler Noir style."
(Abraham Owens is Punched, Drunk, & All Out of F*cks!)
"Weirdest story every. Holy creativity, Batman!"
(Explorers of the Unknown vs the Geriatric Werewolves, a short story)
"The funniest yet most wholesome read I've had in a while. LOVED the dialogue."
(The Worst Zombie Apocalypse in the History of Ever)
“In case there was any doubt, there is a secret government agency that monitors all the things that normal government agencies vehemently deny any existence and subsequent involvement of. Such as extra-terrestrial life (like Mick Jagger), paranormal activity (like Justin Beiber), and the purely unexplainable (like Big Burger Boys). Regular government agencies have to deny the existence of this secret agency because, essentially, they don’t know that it exists.”
“You know your cat is fucking with you when she poops in the litter box and somehow manages to miss the litter.”
“sat down to write a book and instead left hilariously awesome comments across various statuses. You're welcome, Facebook.”
“Sam, just accept it. There is nothing funnier than penises randomly inserted in wildly uncalled for places in the sport of hilarious juxtaposition. Why else would we have the Washington Monument?”
“I had a nice, long, hot shower but didn't come up with any great ideas. What a waste.”
“––but I love her and we're meant to be together and she completes me and I never want to stick my penis into anything else ever again!”
“When in doubt: more coffee.”
“Make no mistake: it's not that I actively dislike you. That would take an effort on my part that I have absolutely no interest in exerting on behalf of such an insignificant little man such as yourself. No, I am indifferent towards you with absolutely no hope for an upgrade.”
“I just want you to know that most of the time, I have absolutely no fucking clue what I'm doing. I just happen to be good at making shit up as I go along.”