Julia Hoban

“I bought you something" Willows blurts out."You bought...What?"Willow closes her eyes for a second. She's a little surprised she's going to give it to him after all, but there's no going back now. She has to."At the bookstore." She reaches into her bag again, and pushes the package across the table towards him.Guy takes the book out of the bag slowly, Willow waits for him to look disappointed, to look confused that she would buy him such a battered, old-"I love it when used books have notes in the margins, it's the best," Guy says as he flips through the pages. "I always imagine who read it before me." He pauses and looks at one of Prospero's speeches. "I have way too much homework to read this now, but you know what? Screw it. I want to know why it's your favorite Shakespeare. Thank you, that was really nice of you. I mean, you really didn't have to.""But I did anyway," Willow says so quietly she's not even sure hears her.Hey," Guy frowns for a second. "You didn't write anything in here.""Oh, I didn't even think...I, well, I wouldn't even know what to write," Willow says shyly."Well, maybe you'll think of something later," he says.Willow watches Guy read the opening. There's no mistaking it. His smile is genuine, and she can't help thinking that if she can't make David look like this, at least she can do it for someone.”

“Every lineament of the girl's wasted body is a testament to her inner turmoil. Willow can only imagine what kind of pain she must be in to destroy herself that way. She knows there's something ironic in her compassion for the other girl, but she can't help feeling that this utter mortification of the flesh is far worse than anything that she herself has done.”

“Willow sees her before any of the others. A walking skeleton, the victim of some terrible wasting disease, like something out of the history books, a death camp survivor. It takes Willow a moment to realize that the girl is none of those things. She's just a girl, a girl like Willow, who's chosen to inflict terrible pain on herself. Only this girl's weapon isn't a razor, it's starvation.”

“She watches as the blood springs from the cut she's making, but it doesn't change anything. Not this time. She swipes again, deeper. Now she feels pain, but will it be enough?”

“Es difícil guardar un secreto cuando lo llevas escrito por todo el cuerpo”

“This time she is the one who leans forward. She is on her knees in front of him, grasping his shirt collar, pulling him close to her. He is clearly as startled by this as she herself is, but he allows himself to be drawn in. Their mouths meet, she moves even closer still until she is sitting on his lap takes his hands from her waist and puts them on her breasts, does everything but devour him, desperate to see if she can have something beyond her bondage with the razor.Pictures of the accident start writhing beneath her closed lids, competing for attention with the image she holds of his face. A tidal wave of emotion threatens to engulf her. She is suddenly back in the basement with the bookcases. "I can't." Willow pushes him away. "I can't"Willow claps her hands over her ears in a vain attempt to drown out the dreadful sounds of the accident. She jumps up, wheels away from him, fumbles in her pocket for the razor that she always keeps there. But just as she's preparing to slice, to save herself, to end the nightmare visions, Guy's hand clamps down on hers He pulls her down on the floor again roughly."No." He's shaking his head. "Not here. Not now. Not with me around." "I have to." Willow is gasping. "Just let me do it!""All right then, you can cut yourself, but not like this, not like some concerned animal. You have to do it in front of me."Willow doesn't flinch as she presses the blade into her flesh. She stares at Guy, aware that although she is fully clothed, she is completely bare before him. It hurts. It hurts badly, and within seconds the pain is swirling through her like an opiate, completely crowding out everything else."Oh my god. Oh my god!" Now Guy is the one who is clapping a hand over his mouth. "Stop it! I can't watch!" He grabs the razor and flings it around the room, grabs her arm and stares at the blood, grabs her and crushes her close.Willow is so close that once again she's sitting in his lap. She's so close that they might as well be sharing the same breath."You won't let yourself feel anything but pain?" He holds her more tightly than she would have thought possible. She watches with half closed lids as he wipes the blood on her arm with his shirttail. Now that she's numbed herself, she'd like nothing more than to stay there with him, like this, forever. She just stays there like that, for as long as she possibly can.”

“She starts to roll down her sleeve, but Guy stops her. He holds her arm, looks at her cuts, traces the pattern of her razor marks with his hand."Don't, it's..."Willow stops speaking as he bends his head and kisses her scars.She knows she should tell him to stop, but she can't because she wants him to go on forever. She knows too that she will probably pay for this feeling with other less pleasurable ones, but still she can't bring herself to pull her arm away.”

“And I was right to be...to become a cutter, because maybe you think this doesn't look so bad, that girls cry, that people cry, but you'd be wrong, you'd be so wrong, anything...anything at all...would feel better than this does. I'm...sorry." She tries to catch her breath. "I'm sorry to be putting you through this...""Willow, you haven't put me through anything.”

“Can I...Can I...""You can do anything." She shivers as his hands move over her body, but this time it is wholly unmixed with fear and she cannot believe how wonderful it feels.---I've...had something in my wallet ever since I knew...Well, ever since I hoped that there would be a time when I would need to...protect you like this.""And when was that?""If I answer that, then will you stop talking?""Yes." "I will because your answers are so perfect.""I saw you try and take care of someone that you thought was weaker than yourself, I couldn't believe that someone who had been through what you;d been through could be that...well, generous, and thoughtful...”

“But...Well, have you ever done this with anyone else?""Never." He pulls her down so that she is lying on the window seat."Good." Willow is surprised that shy as she indeed is, she isn't embarrassed to be naked in front of him. Maybe this is because in every other important way she had already been."Have you?" Guy lies down on his side next to her."No!""Good." He kisses her hair, her face, her neck.”

“It /is/ painful, she flinches involuntarily, but it is Guy who cries out. "I'm sorry! Did I hurt you?! I didn't mean to but..."Willow covers his mouth with her hand. "Only for a second," she assures him. "Only for a second." And she realizes that this is true. Pain has somehow transformed into pleasure, and that pleasure is better than any pain could ever be.”

“Isn't that interesting.""Hmmmm?""When you blush, it doesn't stop at your collarbone.”

“I guess what scares me the most now is the thought that I won't be able to protect you”

“If it all looks good on the surface, I'll know I've failed at life”

“If you go, then I'll miss you.. terribly”

“I need a Kleenex.” She sniffs.Guy disengages his hands from hers, takes the hem of hissweatshirt, and wipes her nose with it.“That’s romantic,” she says, embarrassed.“Well, it is sort of, because I wouldn’t do it for anybody elsein the world.”

“Her brother is crying, he is wretched and broken. Though his sobs are barely audible, he is weeping with absolute and total abandon. Such a naked display of emotion is both alarming and frightening.”

“You couldn't really say that something that hurts so badly feels good exactly. It's more that it just feels right. And something that feels so right just couldn't be bad. It has to be good.”

“It's hard to keep something a secret when it's written all over you body.”

“If she let herself, she’d drown in a world of pain”

“...if this is not a happy ending, it is perhaps a happy beginning.”

“...her hand closes on smooth metal. Her fingers test the sharpness of the edge. Perfect. It's a fresh blade. The girls' voices rustle in her head. Their clamoring pushes out all rational thought. She rolls up her sleeve. The bite of the blade kills the noise. It wipes out the memory of those staring faces. Willow looks at her arm, at the life springing from her. Tiny pinpricks of red that blossom into giant peonies.”

“We'd already talked in the stacks, and I knew you were different from any other girl I'd met. And you told me that your parents were dead, and I thought that you were so . . . lost and vulnerable. So when I saw you in the physics lab . . . and I saw you try and take care of someone that you thought who had been through what you'd been through; could be that . . . well, generous, and thoughtfull . . ." Guy said."But you hardly knew me." said Willow"I know . . . I didn't know that we'd even talk again, or that if we did, if we'd get along, or maybe you were seeing someone else . . . I just knew that the way you tried to protect someone's life that, especially given your situation . . . I just . . . I though that you had to be the most special girl I would ever meet . . .”

“I just figured out why someone would want to make the first mirror... I think some lover wanted his beloved to see how she appeared to him. He wanted her to be able to see herself the way that he did.”

“oh brave new world that has such a person in it.”

“Well, sometimes I worry that my whole life will be based about what's comfortable and easy. I'll care too much about what makes me feel good to ever really reach for anything. And then I worry that even if I do, I won't succeed.”

“It's hard to keep a secret when it's written all over your body... ”

“—Acabo de comprender por qué alguien quiso hacer el primer espejo. Willow parpadea sorprendida. Eso no era en absoluto lo que estaba esperando. —¿Por qué? —Imagino que un hombre enamorado deseaba que su amante supiera como era ella para él. Quería que ella fuera capaz de verse tal y como él la veía.”