Julie Halpern

“I know a flute player is technically called a "flautist," but something about it sounds a little sketchy, as does "pianist," so I will refrain.”

“I hardly think it wise to put the idea of flying into the heads of impressionable teenagers who are already battling the challenges of lunacy.”

“I'm probably the only person on earth who had to be committed to a mental hospital to find a date.”

“I did it." Who leaves a message like that? Who is so paranoid that they have to be so cryptic? If this wasn't day one of my Summer of Nothing, I might be in a hurry to figure this out. but first: breakfast.”

“Char bought a pack of clove cigarettes, claiming they tasted good, to which I ask why doesn't she just go suck on a clove so I don't have to inhale her perfumed second hand smoke?”

“When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!”

“Raisins again. I like raisins, but I have a habit of losing one or two on the floor every time I eat them. I always find them later and think they are: a) a mouse turd or b) a cockroach. Then I figure out it's a raisin and sigh with relief. This pretty much happens every time I find a lost raisin.”

“What if I have bad breath?' I asked.'Chew on some gum,' she said.'What if I can't find his tongue?''Back off on your tongue until you can feel his.''What if he throws up in my mouth?''Um, that would just be gross.”