Kevin Hearne

“It's only a slight modification of causality.”

“Well o' course she's feelin' dandy! She's the mother o' God for the love o' Pete!”

“Sweet Honey of Dagda, now I was babbling.”

“Hopefully next time I won't be recovering from an assassination attempt, and then I'll do better.”

“Dude. If that was a Shakespearean quote duel, he just kicked your ass.”

“What do you know? She liked to be told she was scary. Kinky.”

“Am I not a fearsome enemy?""You frighten me primally.”

“Wow you need to get some sun.”“Shut up. I'm Irish.”

“I had privately changed 'This, too, shall pass' into 'You, too, shall die'.”

“Whoa. He had ghouls on speed dial. My lawyer kicks so much ass.”

“Winning ugly is still winning.”

“Anyone who's ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cholla knows there's a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.”

“When you're in the middle of a killing field and the fucking Chooser of the Slain tells you to do something, you do it.”

“The grin on his face wasn’t the affable, friendly sort; instead, it was the sociopathic rictus of the irretrievably, bug-fuckeringly insane”

“Awesome! I'd just bullied Jesus into doing a shot with me. Nobody would ever believe it, but I didn't care. We ordered the insanely expensive stuff, seventy-five dollars for a 1.75-ounce pour of premium Irish whiskey, because if you're doing a shot with Jesus, you don't buy him scotch.”

“On a Creep Scale from Hello Kitty to Cthulhu, I award it a FreddyKrueger. Granuaile MacTiernan”

“Gods can screw anything and anybody. For reference, see history.Atticus O'Sullivan”

“Heh. I think you made your point, Atticus.Gods Below, Oberon, that was horrendous! You just violated the Schwarzenegger Pun Reduction Treaty of 2010.What? No, that didn't qualify!Yes, it did. Any pun related to a weapon's destructive capabilities or final disposition of a victim's body is a Schwarzenegger pun, by definition. That's negative twenty sausages according to the sanctions outlined in Section Four, Paragraph Two.My hound whined. No! Not twenty sausages! Twenty succulent sausages I'll never snarf? You can't do that - it's cruelty to animals!You can't argue with this. Your pawprint is on the treaty, and you agreed that Schwarzenegger puns are heinous abominations of language that deserve food-related punishments for purposes of correction and deterrence.Auggh! I still say it's your fault for renting Commando in the first place! You started it!”

“Ye know what me Sean used to say, God rest his soul? He said, 'A friend will help ye move, Katie, but a really good friend will help ye move a body.”

“If you've got some hopelessly overmatched heroes fighting evil and some Imperial types marching, John Williams is your guy. You need a song to make people reach for a box of Kleenex, talk to Randy Newman. But if you want creepy atmospherics and spine-shivering chords to back up your casual death threats, you gotta bring in Danny Elfman.”

“Hamlet promised himself he’d throw down afterward, but I think perhaps when he said, “From this time forth, my thoughts be bloody, or be nothing worth!” the limits of blank verse weakened his resolve somehow. If he’d been free to follow the dictates of his conscience rather than the pen of Shakespeare, perhaps he would have abandoned verse altogether, like me, and contented himself with this instead: “Bring it, muthafuckas. Bring it.”

“Jesus "...It sounds like these guys would be filed under Assholes Who do Evil Shit in My Name.”

“That wasn't English she was speaking: it was the language of diplomacy.”

“There's a reason Bath & Body Works doesn't have a line of products called Huge Fucking Squirrel.”

“What's a fracking Cylon?”

“Turns out that once you kill a god, people want to talk to you. Paranormal insurance salesmen with special "godslayer" term life policies. Charlatan's with "godproof" armor and extraplanar safe houses for rent. But most notably, other gods...”

“That's right, there's free beer in Irish paradise. Everyone's jealous.”

“Now go and stake some vamps. Especially the sparkly emo ones.”

“I yawned and stretched luxuriously in the morning. I make noises when I stretch because it feels ten times better than stretching silently.”

“Icy glares from vampires are far icier than icy glares from people and when the vampire giving you an icy glare is originally from Iceland, you're confronted with the archetypal origin of the term, and you shouldn't be surprised if your core body temperature drops a few degrees.”

“Wooo!’ he said, slamming his shot glass down and coughing a bit. ‘That’s good stuff.’I agreed heartily. ‘Shall we do another one?’ I asked.‘Oh no,’ Jesus said quietly, his eyes growing round. ‘This is one of those situations where I have to stop and ask myself, what would I do?”

“People used to say obvious things ironically or as a form of understatement, but in the last few decades they seem to say it with a sense of discovery, and it worries me.”

“Yer a good lad, Atticus, mowin’ me lawn and killin’ what Brits come around.”

“When he said to give him the sword, I don’t think he meant for you to stick it in his guts.”

“I think "The Boondock Saints", because the Irish guys win. Plus the cat ends badly. It affirms my worldview and I feel validated.”

“He will spit you and roast you with rosemary, and we will all sample your flesh tonight. Tomorrow you will be shat out into the snow.Your diplomacy is bold and edgy, sir.”

“Aw, no. You’re taking us to that vegetarian place,aren’t you?It’s a coffee place. You can’t just automatically classify anything that isn’t a steak house as vegetarian.Yes, I can. This is America. You said Americans assert their own opinions as if they were facts and dismiss inconvenient facts as mere opinions.”

“Are you going to kick somebody’s ass?I don’t know. Maybe.Well, I’m not going to worry. I’ve watched you spar with that martial arts dummy in the backyard lots of times, and you always win.Thanks, buddy. I’ll see you soon.”

“I quietly cast camouflage on myself, which is the nearest I can come to invisibility. It binds my pigment to my surroundings, so that I become practically invisible when I remain still. People can see me if I move quickly, but if I imitate the Rock of Gibraltar they have to really know I’m there to spot me. I figured it was best: Naked women rarely welcome the approach of strange naked men, except in porn movies.”

“The Morrigan’s ideas of sport and mine varied widely. As a Chooser of the Slain, she tends to enjoy nothing so much as a protracted war. She hangs out with Kali and the Valkyries and they have a death goddesses’ night out on the battlefield.”

“I hoped you would consider it seriously instead of laughing at it.' 'Mr. Chamkanni said much the same thing in bed the first night home from the hospital”

“Tell her I am Peace Dawg but I think her cats are closely allied with The Man. I'm going to stick it to them.”

“Yes and I appreciate it. But this is going to be difficult enough without running my words through a filter of illiteracy.”

“Flidais nods in approval. “Respect for life. Good.”I want to ask where her respect for life is, why she thinks it is all right to treat animals like puppets and force me to kill one of them in some sort of sick game.”

“I have been around long enough to discount most superstitions for what they are: I was around when many of them began to take root, after all. But one superstition to which I happen to subscribe is that bad juju comes in threes. The saying in my time was, "Storm clouds are thrice cursed," but I can't talk like that and expect people to believe I'm a twenty-one year-old American. I have to say things like, "Shit happens, man.”

“I didn't respond, because naked people never win arguments.”

“Flidais clapped her hands in delight."Oh, I bet he nearly shat kine!"That made me laugh - I hadn't heard that expression in a long, long time. I refrained from telling her that the modern expression would be "he had a cow", because I liked the original better."Yes, the kine he nearly shat would have fed several clans.”

“What sealed the deal for me was that the cloak wouldn't come off without a generous donation of my tears. Those used to be almost impossible for me to summon, I admit, until I watched Field of Dreams. When Kevin Costner asks his dad at the end if he'd like to have a catch, I just completely lose my shit.”

“She thinks petting me is an honor. This is an unexpected position to take for a goddess of slaughter, but I applaud her defiance of convention.”

“You know how people are always threatenin' to shove this or that up someone's ass, but they never really do it? Well, now there's a new story gonna be told 'round the fire: 'How Coyote Shoved An Arrow Up A Fallen Angel's Ass.”