Kirsty Eagar

“It's hard to explain, but it's related to me know that for every moment of beauty this place gives me, I probably miss a thousand more. And I want them all. I swear I'd live on the dunes if I could. I was born out of my time. I should have been around during the end of the eighteenth century, when the Romantic Era kicked off, and writers and artists were obsessed with nature: the ocean, the mountains, the sky. And they believed in following their own path, experimenting, not blindly obeying rules.I found a quote by Henry David Thoreau- "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life"...It made me cry. Urgency is so beautiful.”

“I don't want romance and stolen kisses and sweetness and hand holding. I want something so big it's like two planets colliding, with an aftershock that I feel for the rest of my life.”

“He's kissing me, quick desperate kisses, like I'm something he needs to live; and I'm kissing him back, crazy with the ache I feel for him, trying to kiss him better, trying to fix him. I'm touching his face, feeling the roughness of his beard, the wet of his tears, feeling the tremors passing through his body, hearing his ragged breathing. And each kiss is a failure. A failed attempt to escape from all that's happening. And I only know this when he slows, drawing it out, letting me taste regret, letting things linger. He pulls away, and I'm saying "Don't, don't, don't", trying to bring him back, kissing his face. But I've lost him.”

“This is its ancient soul, the quiet place, away from all its beats and rhythms. And my mind is unable to comprehend the sheer expanse of it. It’s as though I’ve suddenly blinked and found myself standing on a tightrope strung between two skyscrapers. I am paralysed by awe. The feeling you get when confronted by something infinite and inevitable and indifferent to you.”

“I am sick of playing games where you’re not allowed to show how you feel. I don’t have to play anymore. He just won.”

“That’s the thing. You think you’ve got balls, but when it comes down to it, you find out you’d do anything to save yourself.”

“I’m already moving towards the kitchen as I say this, because one thing I’ve learned is that you never, ever enter negotiations with a three-and-a-half-year old. It’s like negotiating with terrorists.”

“And what really struck me was that the woman still meant so much to Grandad after all of those years. She burned in his memory in a way that she never would have if he’d left his wife and sons for her. It got me thinking about how sometimes it’s the people we don’t get to have who stay with us the most.”

“Ultimately, he’s never been within reach. That’s the key to why I’m so caught up on him – I know that. I’m obsessed. And what feeds an obsession is not getting what you want.”

“If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s the wounded male ego. It’s as though Hollywood thinks I’ve got some choice in whether I like him or not. As if. I can’t change who I am.”

“And we’re both emotionally limping, because having old wounds re-opened is never fun, no matter how beneficial it might be.”

“I couldn’t bear to be talked about. Some girls are shiny-sharp enough to not be damaged, but I didn’t think I would be.”

“And that’s my problem. You can’t rely on anybody being around for you, because things change. Specifically, people die, or something comes up in their life, which you find out is actually quite separate to you.”

“Anna’s one of those people who get fired up about injustices in the world; quick to quiver with rage because other people don’t ignite like she does.”

“I feel like I’m somebody else tonight.”

“But I do agree with Mr Findlay about one thing: I am desperate to paint, so it’s probably time to start. Because you can plan all you want, but most of the time, the ideas come when you’re working. And no matter how much you try to control it, you’ll still paint it wrong before you paint it right.”

“Without wonder, you are dead and I am older. The girl in the mirror looks devastated. Like someone really has pushed a brick through her ribcage.”

“Yet, in the middle of all this grief, I realize there’s a part of me clinical enough to want to document it. People talk about artists like they’re these sensitive, delicate beings who don’t use the toilet, but I think the real ones are something else. They’re users. They’re mercenaries. They’re hunters. And they don’t let anything – other people, or themselves – get in the way of it.”

“The grief I’m feeling is heavy and raw, pressing down on me, breaking my chest apart. It hurts to even touch the edges of it. It’s to do with Grandad being gone. The loss of him, and the loss of me. I heard someone say once that grandparents are the guardians of our childhoods, and for the first time I really understand what that means.”

“I have been acutely aware of the noise of the wash. The slow, steady beat of those little waves lapping the shore sounds like the rhythm of an ancient heart. And I know that this place is old, so old time doesn’t matter.”

“I draw the light with my fingers, and it seems to spark in response. And it’s then that the magic of this place, this night beach, gets to me. Because that sparkling thing could be anything. A fallen star, a little buried sun. I feel like I’m a kid again. When there was so much to see. So much wonder.”

“Oh, stop it, I tell myself. Stop looking for links and meaning and explanations. What did De Chirico say? The world is a museum of strangeness.”

“Mum turns back to face the screen, and I realise I’m still nodding. Anxiety Girl in action. She has the power to nod until she makes the connection she so desperately needs, or until her head falls off, whichever comes first.”

“In normal families, unbroken families, the mother and the father are like two hands cupped together, and held by those hands are the children. In my family, the hands have pulled apart and the children have been dropped. If one parent isn’t looking after you, they just assume the other one is. You find out you don’t really belong anywhere.”

“At seventeen, I’m in-between. Staring at the carnival from a distance. Not sure if I want to go forward and become an adult; liking the view too much to turn back.”

“See, I know what they think about me. That I’m some project. And, yeah, I’ll accept their help. But I’m gonna pay my way. ’Cause you can’t let people like that give you anything. They think they own you then. And you know what? Nobody’s ever going to own me.”

“They’re never going to change. You gotta get that into your head. What they did up there? They’ll keep doing that forever. You know why? Because they’re withholders. That’s what power is all about. Not giving people what they want. So you know what that means? It means you’ve got to stop wanting. Stop wanting them to love you, or be proud of you, or whatever it is you’re after. ’Cause you’re not gonna get it.”

“Angry Girl has no cavity. She has teeth.”

“It’s always about the money. And the problem with that is: if the people who love you are always weighing up what you cost, then you’re never really sure who’s got your back.”

“Ridiculous really, when you think that I come from a broken home and I probably have low self-esteem. But the way I see it, people who go around spending themselves easily don’t have low self-esteem. They have really high self-esteem. If someone like me tried to live like that, there’d be nothing left. I don’t know. It’s complicated. The girls who roll with guys like this are gorgeous. Somehow that makes them immune to being reduced.”

“After a while I get the feeling that Mum and Brian aren’t home. Kane either. It’s because the house is making so much noise; ticking and creaking as it stretches in the sun. Acting like a house does when nobody’s around to see it. It must have forgotten about me.”

“The dogs were phantoms, signs and superstitions come to life, representatives of the moon. But sunlight burns the memory, leaving only a residue of its mystery, and I look for explanations.”

“It was the first time I realized that your mind can’t always be trusted. If it can’t make sense of what you’re seeing, it will come up with an alternative scenario for you.”

“It’s funny to me that power comes from sitting behind a desk. It should come from spending yourself.”

“Art is a kind of rapture. Surrender enough, you find truth.”

“It’s not love. It’s an obsession. And it’s not art. It’s a way of seeing things. A way to see the things that aren’t there.”

“Kind of hard to forget a bruise exists when you’re prodding at it.”

“As if the ocean cares that it’s been zoned residential – what the sea wants, the sea shall have.”

“She was thin like Kylie, but she had a manic energy like Shane, so it was probably drugs.That’s just the means though, the end result is the same. She was one of us. Her, Shane, Marty, Roger, Kylie, me.People being eaten alive from the inside out.”

“My father’s eyes can be the coldest place on earth.”

“When I come over the top of the dune I see the ocean and I feel like I’m seeing it for the first time.Today it’s blue, straight and simple. Raw blue.”

“Oi!’I drop in on him the first chance I get.Round three. There’s one coming on the inside and I start paddling for it. He starts for it too, telling me, ‘It’s mine, sunshine.’‘Get stuffed.’As I feel the surge take my board, he grins across at me. ‘Split it?’So we split the peak, he goes left and I go right, and I know, like me, he’s thinking, How good is this?”

“I bury my face in my hands. And then Ryan does such a nice thing. He wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me in against him. I can feel his body heat through his cotton T-shirt, and directly in front of me are the worn, faded knees of his jeans. But most of all, I can smell him. And he smells sandy-warm, like a beach. No one can see my face in there protected by his chest. Which is good because I can’t stop crying. I mean, I’m really going for the world record in terms of an inappropriate public breakdown. But it doesn’t matter, it just doesn’t matter. I’m sheltered.”

“But you’re happy, eh?’I blink at her, surprised. She’s right.My happiness is crunchy. Snapping, crackling and popping in the sun.”

“I stare at his forearms. I can make out a naked woman with a snake going up her vagina. She’s holding a knife, slitting her own throat. There are three playing cards on the back of his right hand: the Queen of Spades, the Jack of Hearts and the Joker. Red flames lick his elbow.There’s a watch tattooed on his left wrist with ‘Fuck Time’ inscribed on its face. Fuck o’clock.He’s not that tall, but his body is carefully cut. The lines of his face, his cheekbones and jaw, are sharp and precise. I can see the tufts of his blond underarm hairs and under them the ladder of his ribs. He’s beautiful, in the way that a knife is beautiful.”

“Have people been staring at you?’He frowns. ‘I don’t know. I guess so. I forgot it was there. Can you really notice it?’‘Well yeah, but … I think it’s great.’ To me, Danny rocking up to surf with graffiti all over his face is magic. I want to tell him that I think he’s precious, that the fact he talks to me is a gift. But of course you can’t say things like that to people”

“He’s still singing to himself, eyes closed, pretending, I think, that I’m someone else.I shout in his ear again. ‘So you can’t just lay down and die?’He doesn’t open his eyes, but he nods. ‘You can’t just lay down and die”

“If I was a sheep, I’d be black.”

“But of course when you've got it bad for somebody, you aren't really sane. You're a stalker and a groupie combined, and you do things even you don't want to try and understand.”

“You cant rely on anybody being around for you, because things change.”