Lesley Kagen

“So might I suggest at your earliest convenience that you pay a visit to the Okins Funeral Salon to make arrangements?""Why'd I wanna do that?" she says so damn snippy."Because on my return visit you can count on my beatin' the ever-lovin' shit outta you with a rusty shovel. Twice.”

“Let bygones be bygones because everybody knew that forgiveness was divine.”

“His mean justified his end.”

“THINGS TO DO THIS SUMMER1. Make Father Mickey lose his black Irish temper.2. Wear a turtleneck, take in a deep breath and get strangled.3. Mary Lane takes the picture.4. Practice getting away.5. Sally puts the pedal to the metal.6. Randa Rhonda Rendezvous”

“Can you see the fireworks from Heaven?”

“Since Troo was in her office at least once a week for doing one bad thing or another, Sister told me she's thinking of having the chair in the corner of her office engraved permanently with Troo's name. (If she bothered to look at the back, she could save a few bucks. Troo stole a penknife out of the Five and Dime last summer.)”

“Troo's a little in front of me bouncing a red rubber ball that she 'borrowed' from the playground shed. She's warming up to play that A my name is Annie and I come from Alabama with a carload of apples game. When she gets to the letter f, her name will be Fifi and she will come from where else but France. I refuse to repeat what she will have a carload of.”

“...[Joseph] and the Virgin Mary got turned away from the inn and had to go sleep in the manger. (Not with the manager, like Troo says.)”

“Troo hits the hay every night like a bale falling out of our old barn loft.”

“When I was sure she was asleep, I got up and went into Mother's room and pulled her yellow nightie out from the bottom drawer of her dresser, and then I got Daddy's Timex from the dressing table and put it on my wrist. After I said my prayers and told Daddy I was sorry like I did every night, I laid down at the foot of Mother's bed and drifted off to the sound of rain that was strong enough to be good for the crops, and tried and tried to remember the last time I felt safe.”

“Eddie's ma, that would be Mrs. Callahan, her husband got killed last winter over at the Feelin' Good Cookie Factory. They had an open casket at the funeral so you could see dead Mr. Callahan, who hadn't looked that great in life and looked even worse in death. Especially after that cookie press got to him. But Mr. Becker from Becker Funeral Homes had done a nice job fluffing Mr. Callahan's face back out again so he ended up looking like one of those waxy mannequins that you pay a dime to see up at the Wisconsin state Fair.”

“Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer... If one of those bottles should happen to fall, there'd be how many bottles of beer on the wall?”

“If we could find Sara's body, we'd probably get a reward and our pictures in the newspaper like Mary Lane did when she called in that fire she set.”

“--I wouldn't throw that cat out of bed.--When did you get a cat?”

“My arms were covered in scratches and had bled a little so I licked my finger and cleaned them off and thought God would have done a better job if he made blood taste like Three Musketeers bars.”

“Nobody can get at your heart once it's lying six feet under.”

“Memories are so two-faced. One minute they're hugging you like a long-lost friend, the next minute they're ripping you apart like your worst enemy.”

“...And he shouldn't have talked to Mama in the hurtful ways he did neither. Calling her despicable names because she wanted to do things her own independent way instead of his. He uses his silver tongue like a sword. Nicking away at your heart, cutting word by cutting word. Maybe silence really is golden.”

“I know from vast experience that fear talks a lot louder than courage. I need to listen to that other voice inside me, that faint one that's struggling to be heard.”

“People can be so cruel to the different.”

“If only. -- You got to admit, standing alone those words are pretty awful, but married together like that, they must be two of the saddest in the English language.”

“I know some first-class Negroes. I also know some second-rate white people.”

“When you least expect to recall something, a memory can pop up like an uninvited guest on your doorstep.”

“...things happen when you least expect them. Things that can change your whole life.”

“...things can happen when you least expect them so you always gotta be prepared. And pay attention to the details. The devil is in the details.”

“Life, it is not simple like a garden, where flowers are always flowers and weeds are always weeds.”

“Ethel Jackson was the cool side of my pillow when I had a fever.”