Lola Salt

“Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.”

“Those bastards at the casting agency said I couldn't play Edward Cullen. Well, I'm going to show them. I'm making my own movie. And I'm going to star in it.''You're remaking Twilight?''Yes.”

“This isn't just any shirt,' he told her. 'This shirt was worn by he-who-must-not-be-named in the first of the Twilight films.'Lara's mouth fell open. She blinked several times. What was he talking about? Voldemort wasn't even in Twilight.”

“Due to budget constraints I've rewritten the script, condensing all four of the Twilight Opuses into one epic screenplay. We'll shoot it over two days. I cut out New Moon,' he added quickly, 'Edward's not in it that much. And I also took out the bits in Italy, as well as all the fight scenes. Those are too expensive to film. And there are no wolves in it either...the CGI would have blown the budget.”

“He took her around the place, pointing out the hybrids and divulging a few of their clients. Lara could barely believe so many celebrities she knew were actually sick and in need of medical marijuana. She tried to make a mental note of their names but knew she'd forget them later, given that she'd already forgotten her own middle name.”

“Where did you get them? Are they Stuart Weitzman? Prada Summer Collection?''Um, New Look, I think,' Lara told him.”

“Don't be frightened,' he murmured into her ear. 'I will protect you.'Lara sighed deeply. A Prince - promising to protect her. Yes please.”

“He was trying to buy his way into her knickers. She was enormously insulted......but it was rather sparkly...It was rather like having a bowling ball attached to her arm. She could live with that though.”

“CP,' she hissed, more urgently now. 'We're only pretending for goodness sake. Just pretend I'm Jakey G and you're Heath Ledger. Go for it!”

“She didn't know what a goji berry was, but it sounded like something Amazonian tribesmen might eat when they wanted to talk to their ancestors and embark on an inner voyage into some sort of unicorn-infested netherworld. Whatever worked.”

“Would you like some sacred chocolate?' a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara's side. 'They've very special chocolates,' she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara's direction. 'They're raw and sweetened with Stevia.'Stevia, huh? Lara grabbed a chocolate truffle and popped it into her mouth, winking at the girl. She hoped the 'stevia' would kick in soon, because frankly, it looked like these women were having a better time than she'd had in ages.”

“I hope you'll stay for Blissology?' the man suddenly said, grabbing for her hand.'For what?'Davidoff smiled serenely at her. 'I'm a holistic escort. I have a PHD in Blissology from the Maharishi Kundalini University of Carlsbad. I'm about to hold a session.''Right,' said Lara. 'What do you do exactly?''Well, I interpret our human purpose by looking at quantum physics, an individual's astrological alignments and the I Ching.''And what does that mean exactly in English,' she questioned, feeling herself zoning out.”

“Don't you want to find your purpose?'Lara glared at her. 'Right now my purpose is to get the hell out of here and then I'll figure the rest of it out the normal way; by drinking vodka. Or maybe I'll read Eat, Pray, Love all the way through...”

“Somehow, perhaps because of the way he spoke in a manner reminiscent of Jack Bauer from 24, Lara calmed down. She repeated his words in her head. Wait. Assess. Intel. Yes, OK, that sounded sensible. Then the hysterical coward in her reared up unannounced and she tried to run for the door again.”

“Pirates?' Lara gasped. 'But we're not at sea. How can they be pirates?' Weren't pirates supposed to wear eye-patches, feather earrings and lots of black eye-liner, and say 'arrrrr' a lot? Or was that just Johnny Depp? Lara was confused.”