Marie Sexton

“Appropriate is boring”

“Our one employee came warily out of the back. He was always skittish with me, and if Lizzy wasn't around, he made a point of keeping his distance. I think he was expecting me to make a pass at him. He was seventeen, had stringy black hair,bad skin, and probably weighed a buck five soaked wet. I didn't have the heart to tell him he wasn't my type.”

“First, you don't have to be smart to read books. Lots of idiots read books. Trust me, the ability to read does not necessarily mean the ability to think.”

“Jared was completely gone now, holding his stomach and laughing so hard that tears were running down his face. Matt turned on him and snapped, "It's not funny," which only made Jared laugh harder."Any of you guys strict about top or bottom?" Angelo asked, "'Cause if so, you'll screw it all up-""Literally," Cole said."And we'll have to start all over." Angelo turned to Matt. "If you got a strong preference you better say so now.""Lay it all out, so to speak," Cole said."On the table." Angelo said."For all to see.""Zach does like to watch," Angelo said, winking at me, and I was relieved that with the direction the conversation was going, nobody took him seriously."Then it's settled!" Cole said. "Who's going where with whom first? Zach, I think you're up." He winked at me. "Or you soon will be.""Oh dear God," Mat moaned, hanging his head. "I knew I shouldn't have come.""Don't worry about it a bit," Cole said. "I'm sure Zach can coax at least one more out of you."Jared laughed so hard, I was amazed he managed to stay in his chair.”

“You sayin' you want to go?""Don't you?""Hell no!""Okay,I'll tell Matt and Jared that they can go to Paris without us."The only response was stunned silence, and I finally turned to smile at him. "Do you want to reconsider?" I asked."The wedding's in Paris?""Yep."His dark eyes were huge, and I could see so much in them. He was excited, almost giddy. I could see it bubbling up in him, but he was trying t stay calm and not get his hopes up. "Can we afford Paris?""No," I said, "but it doesn't matter. Cole's footing the bill."He grabbed my shirt and pushed me back against the countertop, almost as if he was going to kiss me, but stopped short, looking into my eyes. "Are you serious?""Would I lie to you about something like this?""No.""Do you think I'd make it up just to tease you?""No.""Yes."He backed up a step. "Yes what?"he asked.I could hardly keep from laughing that I'd finally managed to turn the tables on him with his own backward form of communication. "Yes, I'm absolutely serious. Cole offered to fly us all to Paris."...His expression was so full of hope, I thought it was a good thing I hadn't tried to say no. He put his hand against my cheek and looked into my eyes. "Tell me what you want to do."All I had to do was tell him the truth. I brushed his hair out of his eyes and said, "I want to do whatever will make you happy."He smiled at me, the huge, excited smile of a child who woke up from his nap to find himself in Disneyland. "I want to go to Paris.""Okay," I said as I leaned down to kiss him. "Then you will.”

“What the hell happened to your leg?" Ang asked him. Matt looked down at his shin, which was scraped and oozing and seemed to be caked in mud. "Crashed.""Crashed what?" Ang asked. "My mountain bike. We just got back.""You crashed, then what? Rolled in dirt?"He laughed. "Something like that actually. It's not a successful ride if you don't bleed." He must not have noticed the look of horror on my face, because he asked, suddenly enthusiastic, "You guys ride?"Angelo and I just looked at each other, and he seemed to realize that was a "no." "Too bad. Well, make yourselves at home. Beer's in the fridge. I have to get cleaned up. Kickoff's in ten minutes.""Football?" Angelo asked. Matt looked at his as if he had just asked if the sky was really blue. "Yeah! First game of the regular season!" We just stared blankly at him, and he just laughed and disappeared down the hall. Angelo looked at me with a smile on his face. "Four fags watchin' football. Must be pretty fuckin' cold in hell right now.”

“Wanna hang out for a bit?" "You tryin' to get in my pants now that you know I'm queer?" he asked in an impudent tone. "No!""Yeah.""Yeah, what?""Yeah, I wanna hang out." He smiled over at me.”

“Oh God! You asked Jared for lube?""Yeah. Why not?""It just seems weird."He shook his head at me and smiled. "When we first met, I thought you were an uptight prep.""And now?""Now I know you're an uptight prep." He pressed closer. "Cute, though.""I though you were a punk.""And now?""I think you're amazing.""Zach?""Yeah?""Shut up a d kiss me.”

“His arms went around my waist. "I been meanin' to tell you, Zach-I want a raise. And that's not a sexual innuendo.""I'll see what I can do."His lips brushed min, and he smiled. "I lied.""You don't want a raise?""It was a sexual innuendo.""I think I love you." The words were out of m mouth before I knew I was going to say them. I wanted to take them back immediately. If talking about moving in together sent him into a full blown panic attack, there was no telling what the L-word was going to do to him. He froze, just for a second, and I braced for the worst, but he just smiled and simply said, "I know.”

“First thing Monday morning, Ruby came in. She seemed upset. "Zach, I've had a vision," she said immediately."Was it a dream," Angelo began suddenly, with a wicked grin on his face, "where you see yourself standing in sort of sun-god robes on a pyramid with a thousand naked women screaming and throwing little pickles at you?"Ruby and I both gaped at him. "Of course not," Ruby said with disgust, "Why would you even ask something like that?""Just wonderin'." He was facing her, But he held up a DVD case, facing me. 'Real Genius'. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean. Ruby shook her head at him and then turned back to me. "There was a bird. It tried to land in your hands, but a giant horse scared it away."As usual when Ruby announced her visions, I had no idea how to respond. I just smiled. "That's fascinating."She nodded sagely. "I hope you're nat planning any horse riding this weekend."Before I could answer, Nero Sensei burst through the doo, breathless. "Do any of you own the blue convertible parked at Jeremy's?"Which meant another kid had pucked off the balcony."Hope the top wasn't down," Angelo said lightly.Sensei shook his head as he headed back out the door. "No, but it's a soft top, and Tim had cranberry juice before class. It's gonna stain."Ruby followed Nero out the door. Angelo turned to me. His eyes were sparkling and he was grinning from ear to ear. "Best job I ever had," he said. and I had to smile back.”

“Uh, do you want a job?""I got one.""Oh." I wasn't sure why I had assumed he was unemployed. "Okay.""Sure.""Sure, what?""I want a job.""You just said you already had a job.""I do. I got two. But if you're hirin', I'll quit one off 'em. It hella sucks anyway."I didn't know what "helasux" was, but i wasn't about to ask. "Can you organize all these movies?""Easy.""When can you start?"He smiled at me. "Now.”

“Heathers!" I said triumphantly. "I think I've got that one here somewhere.""Hey. Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no-fags allowed policy?""What?""The answer is, 'They seem to have an open door policy on assholes, though, don't they?'"I just stood there, trying to figure out if he was calling me a fag or an asshole or both, and he rolled his eyes at me again."It's a line from Heathers, man.”

“Zach, it doesn't matter which talking heads the Republicrats put up as their candidates. Either way you're voting to maintain the status quo. Is that what you want?""Ummm....""Are you pro-choice?""Sure, I guess." Abortion's not something a gay man has to think about often."And you must be in favour of allowing gays to marry?""Of course." But I'd have to be dating someone first, right?"And you believe in the decriminalization of marijuana?""I suppose." There was no way i was going to to argue with a man who sold bongs for a living on that one."Don't you think you should be able to vote against our out-of-control welfare state without having to vote against those basic rights? Basic rights which should be protected by our constitution?""Well-""Have you even read the constitution, Zach?""I don't think so," I admitted in surprise.He shook his head at me. "Neither has the president, Zach. Think about that."He left a stack of pamphlets on the counter and headed for Ruby's. It was going to be a long campaign season.”

“What's your pick?""Jesus Camp""Never heard of it, Is it a slasher flick?"'It's a documentary." We all laughed but he didn't seem to be joking. "I'm telling you, if that movie doesn't scare you, nothing will."Jared looked at hi in astonishment. "A documentary about religion?""It's not about religion. It's about fanaticism. Not the same thing."Angelo was looking thoughtful, and I knew we'd have a copy by the end of the month.”

“I been in plenty of fights and even more almost-fights. It's all about posturin'. You just gotta act tough.""What if it didn't work? What if he took a swing at you?""Sensai say, 'Big like door, swift like glacier'.”

“Hey, Angelo?""What?""You wanna hang out some time?""You Think I got nothin' better to do?""It was just a thought, never mind.""Yeah""Yeah, what?""Yeah I wanna hang out some time, see you tomorrow Zach”

“He also wasn't sure where to go to avoid running into some type of surfer gang. He'd seen Point Break and while he suspected it was nothing but Hollywood bullshit, he didn't exactly want to find out the hard way he was wrong.”

“I think you want very much to make this black and white--to make us all out to be sinners or saints. But it's just not that simple. I think what you need to accept is that, just maybe, we're all something else. Maybe we're all something in between.”

“He'd tried so hard to fight his fear, but there was a something liberating about giving up the battle and recognizing his fear was part of him. It wasn't something to be exorcised. It wasn't something to be obeyed. It needed only to be acknowledged.”

“Has it ever occurred to you," she asked Rachel, "that the constitutional amendment protecting your right to follow Mormon doctrine is the same amendment that's supposed to protect everybody else from being forced to live according to your religious beliefs?”

“Church doctrine has no place in secular law. You can't take away people's rights to meet your own religious criteria.”

“I loved him. It was a painful realization - so painful that it took my breath away - discovering that I was totally in love with this man who would never love me back.”

“He loved Jaime. He loved him so much sometimes he thought he must certainly be losing his mind. It was hard to believe his heart could go on beating minute after minute, day after day, when it felt so distorted and huge and fragile.”

“I have a sudden urge to pitch a tent in the back yard tonight.”

“You can’t control what others think. The only thing you can control is yourself. Some people will look down on you for your choices in life, no matter what they are. You can’t do anything about that. The only thing you can do is decide how to live your own life. And to hell with everybody else”

“Holy fucking understatement of the year, Batman”

“Technology had failed me. We could put a man on the moon and make computers that fit in my back pocket, but I still couldn't strangle anybody via telephone. Life really was a bitch.”

“The number of people who believe a thing has no bearing upon its truth.”

“You already are the guy I deserve.""No, Zach," he said, shaking his head. "I'm just the guy you love.”

“I understand addiction now. I never did before, you know. How could a man (or a woman) do something so self-destructive, knowing that they’re hurting not only themselves, but the people they love? It seemed that it would be so incredibly easy for them to just not take that next drink. Just stop. It’s so simple, really. But as so often happens with me, my arrogance kept me from seeing the truth of the matter.I see it now though.Every day, I tell myself it will be the last. Every night, as I’m falling asleep in his bed, I tell myself that tomorrow I’ll book a flight to Paris, or Hawaii, or maybe New York. It doesn’t matter where I go, as long as it’s not here. I need to get away from Phoenix—away from him—before this goes even one step further.And then he touches me again, and my convictions disappear like smoke in the wind.This cannot end well. That’s the crux of the matter, Sweets. I’ve been down this road before—you know I have—and there’s only heartache at the end. There’s no happy ending waiting for me like there was for you and Matt. If I stay here with him, I will become restless and angry. It’s happening already, and I cannot stop it. I’m becoming bitter and terribly resentful. Before long, I will be intolerable, and eventually, he’ll leave me. But if I do what I have to do, what my very nature compels me to do, and move on, the end is no better. One way or another, he’ll be gone. Is it not wiser to end it now, Sweets, before it gets to that point? Is it not better to accept that this happiness I have is destined to self-destruct?Tomorrow I will leave. Tomorrow I will stop delaying the inevitable. Tomorrow I will quit lying to myself, and to him. Tomorrow.What about today, you ask? Today it’s already too late. He’ll be home soon, and I have dinner on the stove, and wine chilling in the fridge. And he will smile at me when he comes through the door, and I will pretend like this fragile, dangerous thing we have created between us can last forever.Just one last time, Sweets. Just one last fix. That’s all I need.And that is why I now understand addiction.”

“We walked in the door, and I was stunned by the sterile emptiness of the place. Most of the tiny living room was taken up by one of those giant strength-building home gyms you see on TV. In addition to that, there was one metal folding chair, an old wooden end table (being used as a coffee table, in front of the one chair), and a TV sitting on a milk crate. And it was the cleanest bachelor pad I had ever seen. “Wow. Nice place. The prison cell motif is really working for you. Very feng shui.”

“Jared?” His fingers were playing gently in my curls. “Yes?” I was more than halfway asleep, perfectly warm and content, back in my own bed. With him. “Say it for me.” “You’re heavy.” “No.” “You’re a manipulative bastard.” “No.” He was laughing. “You’re right.” He gave one hard tug on my hair. “That’s not it either.” “I love you?” He sighed contentedly. “That’s the one.”

“I'm a mess," he said, halfway joking but halfway not. "I'm demanding and temperamental and I'm terribly high maintenance."I laughed without even meaning to. "Do you honestly think I don't know all that by now?""Then how could you possibly love me?"I held him tighter, kept kissing his neck. "How can I not?”