MaryJanice Davidson

“Getting back to the issue of the child," Tina said, harshing our buzz as visual, "I really think you should reconsider. He—"The phone rang. She picked it up, glanced at the caller ID."We're kind of busy," I said, a little sharply. The phone was a whole thing between Tina and me."But—""If it's important, they'll call back.""But it's your mother."I practically snarled. The phone, the fucking phone! People used it the way they used to use the cat-o'-nine-tails. You had to drop everything and answer the fucking thing. And God help you if you were home and, for whatever reason, didn't answer. "But I called!" Yeah, it was convenient for you so you called. But I'm in the shit because it wasn't convenient for me to drop everything and talk to you, on the spot, for whatever you needed to talk about.”

“Look, nobody's trying to kill me right now and that's just fine. If they don'tlike me, that's just how it goes. I got over needing people to LIKE me in tenthgrade, when I spied the captain of the cheerleading squad on her knees infront of the offensive line of the football team under the bleachers, one day after school. I figured that wasn't the life for me.”

“Majesty, I beg your forgiveness for the idignity you suffered and offer you the head of our enemy as—""Put that thing down," I said impatiently. "I can't talk to you when you're shaking his head like a damned maraca.”

“Kissing Sinclair was like making out with a sexy timber wolf— he was licking my fangs and nipping me lightly and growling under his breath and it was...oh, it was really something.”

“Here I am, just wandering down a deserted street in the middle of the night. I hope I don't run into any trouble. Goodness, that would just ruin my whole evening." I strolled and hummed, trying to project Innocent Victim.”

“I trudged around on the muddy river bottom for half an hour, patiently waiting to drown, before giving up and slogging my way back to shore.”

“Darling, I have a penis. Ergo I have no preferences.”

“You have attained maturity; display it for us, if you please.”

“Elizabeth Anne TaylorApril 25, 1974 - April 25, 2004Our Sweetheart, Only resting”

“He's all right. His hair is cute."Jonas froze, his lobster fork halfway to his mouth. " Oh my God, you're in love.""I'm not in love.""'his hair is cute'? You never say anything nice about anyone. Coming from you, cute hair is a mating call."" I talked to the guy for thirty seconds. And then he waved at me while i was in the tank.""Holy fuck, you're getting married, aren't you!"" Will you simmer. I certainly am not.”

“I walked in on my folks doing it doggy style less than four hours ago.""Waitress!" Jonas screamed, clicking his fingers madly. "Bring two!" then, more quietly,"You want a neck massage? A bedtime story? A bullet in the ear?”

“Fredrika Bimm, what do you think you're doing?""Freaking out. Losing my mind. Thinking about snapping your husband's spine. Squashing the urge to vomit. Wishing I had died at childbirth.""Oh, you say that when you don't get a prize in your Lucky Charms.”

“I'm rubber and you're glue," I told Satan, " and everything that bounces of me sticks to you.”

“It was scary how much she sounded like me sometimes. Maybe that's why she totally got on my nerves”

“It never failed—I'd buy a new journal, write like a madwoman for ten pages, then lose total interest in the process. Three months later, I'd start the whole process all over again. I think I just liked buying new notebooks.”

“I was so furious I was actually dizzy with it. There were so many bitchy, sarcastic observations to make, I was having a sarcasm stroke. "My God! You people! You're - you're so stupid you're making my eyeballs throb. They're throbbing, dammit!”

“It's nice to see you again, Laura.""Thank you, Mrs. T-""No, no, no. Please, my name is-""Mud," I suggested. "Mud Barfbag Taylor. Call her Asshat for short."~Laura, Antonia, Betsy”

“She couldn't tell where his pupils ended and the irises began; looking into those eyes was like looking into a well where children had drowned.”

“Did vampirism encourage Stockholm syndrome?”

“Hell couldn't be worse than a WalMart after midnight, right?”

“I slipped one of the shoes off, looked at the inside. Property of Antonia O'Neill Taylor. I knew it. My stepmother! The bitch meant to bury me wearing her cast off shoes!”

“Interesting shade #23 Lush Golden Blonde highlights. Heyyyyyy.... The woman in the awful suit was me! The woman in the cheap shoes was me!”

“I zoomed in on the shoe department like a blonde homing pigeon. Shoes, shoes everywhere! Ah, sweet shoes. I truly think you can take the measure of a civilization by looking at its footwear.”

“Delk shifted in his chair, the arrow point never wavering. "What do you want?""Oh, the usual.World peace, a pair of Christian Louboton heels, a perfect wedding.”

“It's inappropriate for the queen of the dead to be afraid ofghosts.”

“Never let your fiend off his leash unless there's lots of room to run (and no people around).”

“You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.”

“I fucking hate tomato juice! It’s like drinking red snot.”

“I could have gone to medical school, I said. Except for all the math and stuff.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you lack focus?”

“I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to be recognized. But I was kind of a prude about cheating on taxes, group sex, murder, and stuff.”

“Also,I loathe it when you refer to me as dude" Eric Sinclair to Betsy”

“Take your hands off her, Sinclair told the guy behind me, Or they'll write books about what I'll do to you.”

“There's more than one way for a girl to Google a cat.”

“They weren't moving. Perhaps I was dazzling then with my ineptitude. It had happened before.”

“I'm the wife of a king, and the mother of kings. And I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. So fuck off, Jack.- Queen Christina (The Royal Treatment)”

“Then she (Queen Christina) stood with the Prince and grinned like a monkey and waved like a fucked-up prom queen while about a thousand flashbulb went off in her face.”