Megan Boyle

“If someone asks me where I bought something I’m wearing, I will usually say I don’t remember.”

“For about four years, I’ve been telling people I hate sour cream. One time I sent back nachos because they had sour cream on them. I started saying this because a friend I admire hates sour cream. I told him I hated it too so we could have a funny thing in common.”

“i want to fall backwards into a pit of bioluminescent pokémon”

“argued for an hour on the telephone. now looking at pictures of carbs”

“tom clancy probably wears a baseball hat when he has sex”

“shrimp and green peppers are shriveling in my refrigerator”

“i want to pull very long, multi-colored strings out of my brain and place them next to a bowl of doritos at a party”

“being sick feels like you're wearing someone else's glasses”

“i want to interrupt a game of magic the gathering by busting through a wall on a motorcycle”

“people like to see will smith reacting to aliens”

“i wish cats could float around your head”

“i could never be a sports writer, unless my assignment was to write 'sports sports sports sports sports' for three pages”

“Feel completely unable to do anything. Try to picture your life in five years. It really seems like you will be dead.”

“Something was comforting about strangers—it seemed like they would exist forever as the same, unknowable mass.”

“Anne has small superstitions which she uses to dispel anxieties. For instance, if she can make it to the fourth stain on the carpet by the time the elevator door closes, that means Nate has thought positively about her today, and there is a future where they know each other. It becomes a one-sided competition when a negative consequence is imagined: if she cannot touch two different kinds of tile with her feet by the time the toilet flushes, that means she said something crucially “wrong” in an email, and Nate will never contact her again. She doesn't keep track of which side is winning.”

“i wish i had 15-20 cats that would serve as a blanket, like if i moved they would adjust to my new position, that would be good”

“i had a dream that there were these huge indoor swimming pools called 'lobbies' that poor people used to do mass amounts of laundry”

“A 5’5”, 182-pound, 43-year-old man wearing khaki shorts and a UCLA sweatshirt runs to Nicolas Cage in a manner he will spend the rest of the night describing to his slightly bored but equally boring date as “ambushing.” No one else is on the street and Nicolas Cage is unable to avoid the man, who wants a picture with his “brand new Droid.” As the man, who actually seems to be vibrating and hovering in an almost hummingbird-like way, adjusts his stance for the third attempt at a picture his crotch lightly brushes Nicolas Cage’s upper thigh, causing his face to shift from “bemused resignation” to, strangely, “serene bliss,” for what will become the man’s inaugural Facebook profile picture.”

“i want to go to the gymand pretend the weight machines are drumsand play the longest drum solo on them”