Michael Ian Black
Michael Ian Black is a popular comedian who began his career with "The State," a sketch comedy troupe he co-founded at New York University in 1988, which went on to have a successful run on MTV. He then co-created the Comedy Central television series "Viva Variety," a fake European variety show.
From there, he appeared on several television shows before landing the role of Phil Stubbs, the quirky bowling alley manager on NBC's "Ed," which ran for almost four seasons. His next project was "Stella," a television show he co-created with Michael Showalter and David Wain, which ran on Comedy Central. Black has appeared in several films and is a popular contributor to VH1's "I Love the..." series.
In 2005, he wrote and directed his first film, "Wedding Daze," which starred Jason Biggs and Isla Fisher. His screenplay "Run Fat Boy Run," starring Simon Pegg and Thandie Newton, came out in 2007. Black is also a stand-up comedian, who regularly tours the country. His first album of stand-up comedy, "I Am a Wonderful Man," was released in 2007, and his first book of humorous essays, My Custom Van (and 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays That Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face) came out in 2008. His first children's book, Chicken Cheeks was released in January, 2009. His latest project is "Michael and Michael Have Issues," a comedy series premiering in July 2009 on Comedy Central. Black is married and has two children.
“Cluelessness is not an attractive quality in a man.”
“You know how Burger King often employs mentally handicapped people to wipe down tables at their restaurants? What those people are to Burger King, paralegals are to lawyers. It's the lowest job you can possibly get and still technically be considered in the legal profession”
“When I am at work, that is my time to work. The workspace is not the appropriate arena for us to discuss your problems. When I am there I need to be left undisturbed to check what people are saying about me on Twitter.”
“When he moves, he gives the impression of somebody leaning into the wind, or charging a hill, as if the world with all of its troubles can be tamed if only enough force and energy are brought to bear.”
“Spirituality has always felt to me as private as sexuality. We don't go waving our wieners all over the place and we shouldn't wave our gods around either.”
“You keep your gods in your backyard and I'll keep my lack of God in mine.”
“If I had three wishes for my country, they would be these: keep fighting, keep moving forward, and don’t act like a douchebag.”
“I am not opposed to religion. Far from it. I’m for anything that gives people peace. That’s why I am also for hot tubs and compact discs of whale songs. Anything that soothes the soul is fine by me.”
“Her lips remind me of kite strings and I find myself thinking about panda bears. Panda bears do not fly kites, I tell myself. 'I thought you were dead,' she says.Maybe if you taped a kite to a panda paw and scared the panda so that it started running, the kite might start to lift off.”
“If I have any faith at all, I guess that's it. Faith in the small love that keeps our family together.”
“...Even to me, a sufferer, 'depression' seems like a fetid load of weaselly claptrap, a cheap and easy excuse for not participating in life.”
“Choose hope over fear.”
“Marriage felt like a fading American institution, as relevant to me as the Elks Club. Plus, I considered myself punk rock, and punk rockers don't believe in boring societal conventions like marriage. We prefer boring societal conventions like punk rock.”
“I am not a music snob. If anything, my musical taste is bad by any critical standards. My favorite song of all time is "Come On Eileen" by Dexys Midnight Runners. A close second is "MMMBop" by Hanson. So I am not out there claiming any musical superiority, but Creed really does suck. Bad music, pretentious lyrics, and a messianic front man. Also they are from Florida. No good rock music has ever come from Florida. Undoubtedly, there will be legions of offended readers who think to themselves, What are you talking about! Such-and-such band is from Flordia and they're freaking awesome! No, whatever band you are thinking of, if they are from Flordia, they suck. Not as much as Creed, but they still suck.”
“Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.”
“Why does Lewis Black have so much hatred for goodness? I do not know. Because I am not a trained psychologist, I think it would be unethical for me to attempt to analyze him. But based upon his feelings regarding candy corn, I think it is safe to assume that he hates freedom, hates himself, and wants to fuck his mother.”
“Did my fingering turn you gay? I hope not.”
“I hope you die....P.S. If you do die, I'm going to go to the funeral and finger your corpse.”
“If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.”
“The truth is I feel bad about calling you a whore. I don't know anything about your personal life; my judgment was based on nothing more than a general whorish vibe you give off.You look like you'd screw any squirrel that came your way. You look like you'd even screw the knothole in that tree where you live. But this is all speculation on my part, based on nothing more than your aforementioned whorish vibe and sleazy demeanor. Maybe I'm wrong about you. If so, I apologize.But I really don't think I am.”
“How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.”