Mitch Hedberg

“I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.”

“I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.”

“I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.”