Neil Leckman

“Some people like to push my buttons!!! I just wish they would give them back...”

“I try not to have personal problems, I do that by telling everyone about them!!!”

“If I have a pocket full of rainbows am I an optimist, or a guy with wet pants and really large pockets?”

“If I have multiple personalities will I taste better to a zombie, or is the effort simply wasted? I've talked it over with myself, and neither of us could agree if that is true or not!!!”

“They used to say, "A penny for your thoughts". I have heard that zombies will pay up to $5 a pound for your brains. Inflation even affects the dead!!!”

“The man said, "The toy cars are a dollar a piece". The boy thought about that a moment and asked, "How much for the whole thing?”

“Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see the blank stare?”

“So you like to stretch the truth?" he asked me. "Stretch, fold, spindle, staple or cut, whatever it takes to get it to fit just right".”

“I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!!”

“They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me...”

“Have you ever had a large spider in the tub, figuring you'll wash it down the drain you turn on the shower, and set it to hot?Only to have the stupid thing grab onto the edge of the drain and hiss at you!!”

“I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.”

“Quickly look down, now you tell me, when you were little did you ever imagine that you'd be wearing those shoes? Mind blowing isn't it?”

“How many boxs of Fruit Loops do you need to smash to be considered a cereal killer?”

“Cheech and Chong Vs. HAL"I can't do that Dave.""Dave's not here, man""That does not compute. Dave""No man, Dave isn't here!!"..."I'm sorry Dave but that is incorrect""No man, Dave's not here!!""Daisy, daisy,.... I'm self terminating now Dave....""No man, dave's not.....Is he gone?”

“I remember a bully once telling me that he was going to beat the stuffing out of me. After numerous blows it was evident to both of us that I didn't have any!!”

“I don't know why they call them Cheerios, I ate an entire box and didn't feel any happier!!”

“I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!”