Oscar Levant

“First I brush my teeth and then I sharpen my tongue.”

“I'm controversial. My friends either dislike me or hate me”

“On Ira Gershwin: I remember when he was given the manuscript of a novel written by a woman friend who had hopes of having it published. To his astonishment it turned out to be the dirtiest, most pornographic book he had ever read. When the lady mentioned that she intended to use a nom de plume, Ira suggested she call herself Henrietta Miller.”

“Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.”

“You can't possibly hear the last movement of Beethoven's Seventh and go slow. (Oscar trying to talk his way out of a speeding ticket)”

“Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.”

“I'm going to memorize your name and throw my head away.”

“Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome.”

“When I can't sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.”

“So little time and so little to do.”

“The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.”

“It's not what you are, it's what you don't become that hurts.”

“I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.”

“A pun is the lowest form of humor—when you don't think of it first.”

“Underneath this flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.”

“What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.”

“In some situations I was difficult, in odd moments impossible, in rare moments loathsome, but at my best unapproachably great.”

“Happiness isn't something you experience, it's something you remember.”

“There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.”