Peter Cameron

“Ci sono cose che si perdono e non tornano indietro; non si possono riavere mai più, se non nella carta carbone della memoria. Ci sono cose a cui sembra impossibile rassegnarsi ma a cui rassegnarsi è inevitabile. Lo scorrere dei giorni leviga il dolore ma non lo consuma: quello che il tempo si porta via è andato, e poi si resta con un qualcosa di freddo e duro, un souvenir che non si perde mai. Un piccolo bassotto di porcellana delle White Mountains. Una marionetta del teatro delle ombre di Bali. E guarda: un calzascarpe d'avorio di un hotel a quattro stelle di Zurigo. E qua, come un sasso che porto ovunque, c'è un pezzetto di cuore altrui che ho conservato da un vecchio viaggio.”

“«Sono sicura che troverai qualcosa di adatto a te, James. Le cose si metteranno a posto da sole, vedrai. (…) E se per te andare all'università fosse proprio uno sbaglio, se effettivamente non dovesse piacerti come temi, beh, Non sarà stata un'esperienza sprecata. A volte le brutte esperienze aiutano, servono a chiarire che cosa dobbiamo fare davvero. Forse ti sembro troppo ottimista, ma io penso che le persone che fanno solo belle esperienze non siano molto interessanti. Possono essere appagate, e magari a modo loro anche felici, ma non sono molto profonde. Ora la tua ti può sembrare una sciagura che ti complica la vita, ma sai... godersi i momenti felici è facile. Non che la felicità sia necessariamente semplice. Io non credo, però, che la tua vita sarà così, e sono convinta che proprio per questo tu sarai una persona migliore. Il difficile è non lasciarsi abbattere dai momenti brutti. Devi considerarli un dono - un dono crudele, ma pur sempre un dono.»”

“Non ha senso entrare in contatto così con una persona e poi andare via. Non lo capisco. Lo strano è che io sono un asociale, ma quando entro in contatto con uno sconosciuto – anche se si tratta solo di un sorriso o di un cenno con la mano, che non credo sia considerato un vero contatto ma per me lo è – mi sembra che dopo non possiamo andarcene ognuno per la sua strada come se niente fosse. (...) Immagino la sua vita come una piramide, un iceberg di cui vedo solo la punta, la punta minuscola, ma sotto la superficie la piramide si allarga, si allarga verso il basso e nel passato, sempre più indietro, tutta la vita gli sta sotto, gli sta dentro, le mille cose che gli sono successe, e il risultato è quel momento, quel secondo in cui mi ha sorriso. (…) Credo che sia questo a farmi paura: la casualità di tutto. Persone che per te potrebbero essere importanti, ti passano accanto e se ne vanno. E tu fai altrettanto. Come si fa a saperlo? (…) Andandomene mi sembrava di abbandonarlo, di passar la vita, giorno dopo giorno, a abbandonare la gente.”

“Quasi tutti pensano che le cose non siano vere finché non sono state dette, che sia la comunicazione, non il pensiero a dargli legittimità. È per questo che la gente vuole sempre che gli si dica «Ti amo, ti voglio bene». Per me è il contrario: i pensieri sono più veri quando vengono pensati, esprimerli li distorce o li diluisce, la cosa migliore è che restino nell'hangar buio della mente, nel suo clima controllato, perché l'aria e la luce possono alterarli come una pellicola esposta accidentalmente.”

“Credo che nel mio cervello ci sia una specie di setaccio che impedisce un rapido (e tanto meno simultaneo) travaso dei pensieri in parole. Un po' come il filtro nello scarico della vasca da bagno; c'è qualcosa che trattiene i miei pensieri nel cervello, e così bisogna cavarli a forza, come quegli schifosi grovigli di capelli bagnati.”

“Le persone felici cucinano bene e creano cose eleganti. Chi è felice non ha voglia di mangiare carne in scatola e frattaglie tritate. Ha voglia di mettere un vestito che gli doni, non scarpe vecchie e golfoni. Forse lo stato d'animo non influisce sul clima, ma non è detto.”

“Odio quando qualcuno dice «Capisco». Non significa nulla ed è vagamente aggressivo. Ogni volta che lo sento in realtà mi suona come un «Vaffanculo».”

“Io mi sento me stesso solamente quando sono solo. Il rapporto con gli altri non mi viene naturale: mi richiede uno sforzo.”

“Il problema principale era che non mi piace la gente, e in particolare non mi piacciono i miei coetanei, cioè quelli che popolano l'università. Ci andrei volentieri se ci studiassero persone più grandi. Non sono uno psicopatico (anche se non credo che gli psicopatici si definiscano tali), è solo che non mi diverto a stare con gli altri. Le persone, almeno per quel che ho visto fino adesso, non si dicono granché di interessante. Parlano delle loro vite, e le loro vite non sono interessanti. Quindi mi secco. Secondo me bisognerebbe parlare solo se si ha da dire qualcosa di interessante o di necessario.”

“«È che non voglio andare all'università».«Ma perché?».«Perché penso che sia una perdita di tempo».«Una perdita di tempo! L'università?»«Sì» ho detto. «Almeno per me. Sono sicuro di poter imparare tutto quello che voglio leggendo i libri che mi interessano. Non vedo perché devo passare quattro anni - quattro anni molto costosi - a imparare un mucchio di cose di cui non mi importa niente e che quindi dimenticherò presto, solo per conformarmi a una norma sociale. E poi non sopporto l'idea di passare quattro anni a stretto contatto con gli studenti universitari. Tremo solo all'idea.»”

“It wouldn't kill you to get me an iced coffee.""No, but not getting killed doing something is not a very compelling reason to do it.”

“Interacting with other people does not come naturally to me; it is a strain and requires effort, and since it does not come naturally I feel like I am not really myself when I make that effort. I feel fairly comfortable with my family, but even with them I sometimes feel the strain of not being alone.”

“I'm working on a new problem: Find the value for N such that N plus everything else in your life makes you feel all right. What would N equal? Solve for N.”

“You're so young... Are you sure that's what you want your life to be, forever and ever? That job? That career? That girlfriend?”

“It was strange to see someone you have only known alone begin interacting with other people, for that somebody known to you disappears and is replaced by a different, more complex, person. You watch him revolve in this new company, revealing new facets, and there is nothing you can do but hope you like these other sides as much as you like the side that seemed whole when it faced only you.”

“I’m fascinated by lobotomies, the idea of opening up the brain and snipping around a bit and then closing it up again, like fixing a car or something. And the person wakes up and is a little stupid but stupid in a happy, untroubled way.”

“I’m not a sociopath or a freak (although I don’t suppose people who are sociopaths or freaks self-identify as such); I just don’t enjoy being with people. People, at least in my experience, rarely say anything interesting to each other. They always talk about their lives and they don’t have very interesting lives. So I get impatient. For some reason I think you should only say something if it’s interesting or absolutely has to be said.”

“It seemed that everyone else could mate, could fit their parts together in pleasant and productive ways, but that some almost indistinguishable difference in my anatomy and psyche set me slightly, yet irrevocably, apart.”

“I thought the best thing to do would be nothing, and in that way things couldn’t get any worse.”

“I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a roomful of obnoxious people.”

“New York is strange in the summer. Life goes on as usual but it’s not, it’s like everyone is just pretending, as if everyone has been cast as the star in a movie about their life, so they’re one step removed from it. And then in September it all gets normal again.”

“I always looked forward to being an adult, because I thought the adult world was, well—adult. That adults weren’t cliquey or nasty, that the whole notion of being cool, or in, or popular would case to be the arbiter of all things social, but I was beginning to realize that the adult world was as nonsensically brutal and socially perilous as the kingdom of childhood.”

“One man’s nonsense is another man’s sense.”

“I wish the whole day were like breakfast, when people are still connected to their dreams, focused inward, and not yet ready to engage with the world around them. I realized this is how I am all day; for me, unlike other people, there doesn't come a moment after a cup of coffee or a shower or whatever when I suddenly feel alive and awake and connected to the world. If it were always breakfast, I would be fine.”

“I found the idea of being a librarian very appealing--working in a place where people had to whisper and only speak when necessary. If only the world were like that!”

“I often feel like I want to think something but I can't find the language that coincides with the thoughts, so it remains felt, not thought. Sometimes I feel like I'm thinking in Swedish without knowing Swedish.”

“Are you okay?' she asked me.Of course,' I said. 'Why wouldn't I be okay?'There are lots of reasons why you might not be okay.'There are lots of reasons why anyone might not be okay,' I said.”

“I hate when people say 'I see'. It doesn't mean anything and I think it's hostile. Whenever anyone tells me 'I see' I think they're really saying 'Fuck you'.”

“I don't think I could ever work in such a blatantly hierarchical corporate setting. I know that everyone in this world is not equal, but I can't bear environments that make this truth so obvious.”

“Just ignore him and he’ll go away, my mother used to say to Gillian when we were young and I bugged her. Just ignore him. All he wants is attention. In retrospect there seems to be something almost cruel about that—to simultaneously acknowledge and refuse someone’s desire for attention—especially a child’s. All he wants is attention, as if it’s bad to want attention, like wanting money or power or fame.”

“She had all the best things wrong with her—incest, insanity, drug addiction, bulimia, alopecia: you name it. All the perfect stuff for a memoir. She’s so lucky.”

“I only feel like myself when I am alone.”

“I don't know why I felt so closed and bitter and threatened by the things I did not like.”

“And the boys were all clean, their faces freshly and brutally shaved, their hair painstakingly gelled into exquisite apparent carelessness, with this electric feeling inside of them, which matched the feelings in the girls, that they were all ascending, moving into a future that could only improve them, and I wondered what it was like - the miracle, the stupidity of feeling that.”

“I felt this awful obligation to be charming or at least have something to say, and the pressure of having to be charming (or merely verbal) incapacitates me.”

“I think therapy is a rather misguided notion of capitalist societies whereby the self-indulgent examination of one's life supersedes the actual living of said life.”

“I actually grew fond of her in a nastily superior kind of way. For she was so completely artless and optimistic and clueless, she didn't care that she smelled bad or was fat or wore clothes unlike everyone else's, she had some weird disconnect with life that kept her constantly bubbling, and you knew she would go blithely through her long horribly boring life thinking every thing was just swell (the opposite of me).”

“A young man and woman walked past - a handsome young man and pretty young woman, the man in a seersucker suit and the woman in an old-fashioned summer dress - and they were walking a bit apart from one another with a space between them, and the man was looking straight ahead and the woman had her arms crossed against her chest, hugging herself, looking down at her feet, at her toes that peeked out the open fronts of her shoes, and they both had the same gleefully suppressed smile on their faces, and I knew that they were freshly in love, perhaps they had fallen in love having dinner in some restaurant with a garden or tables on the sidewalk, perhaps they had not even kissed yet, and they walked apart because they thought they had their whole lives to walk close together, touching, and wanted to anticipate the moment they touched for as long as possible, and they passed my without noticing me and Miro. Something about watching them made me sad. I think it was too lovely: the summer night, the open-toed shoes, their faces rapt with momentarily ramped-down joy. I felt I had witnessed their happiest moment, the pinnacle, and they were already walking away from it, but they did not know it.”

“Sometimes I envy religious people for the comfort of believing. It would make everything so much easier.”

“Most people think things are not real unless they are spoken, that it's the uttering of something, not the thinking of it, that legitimizes it. I suppose this is why people always want other people to say "I love you." I think just the opposite—that thoughts are realest when thought, that expressing them distorts or dilutes them.”

“People who have only good experiences aren't very interesting. They may be content, and happy after a fashion, but they aren't very deep. It may seem a misfortune now, and it makes things difficult, but well--it's easy to feel all the happy, simple stuff. Not that happiness is necessarily simple. But I don't think you're going to have a life like that, and I think you'll be the better for it. The difficult thing is to not be overwhelmed by the bad patches. You must not let them defeat you. You must see them as a gift--a cruel gift, but a gift nonetheless.”

“The first night Stephen and I slept together, he whispered numbers into my ear: long, high numbers -- distances between planets, seconds in a life. He spoke as if they were poetry, and they became poetry. Later, when he fell asleep, I leaned over him and watched, trying to picture a mathematician's dreams. I concluded that Stephen must dream in abstract, cool designs like Mondrian paintings.”

“Dr. Adler had instructed me to always say whatever I was thinking, but this was difficult for me, for the act of thinking and the act of articulating those thoughts were not synchronous to me, or even necessarily consecutive. I knew that I thought and spoke in the same language and that theoretically there should be no reason why I could not express my thoughts as they occurred or soon thereafter, but the language in which I thought and the language in which I spoke, though both English, often seemed divided by a gap that could not be simultaneously, or even retrospectively, bridged.”

“What if she was meant to be, or could have been, someone important in my life? I think that's what scares me: the randomness of everything. That the people who could be important to you might just pass you by. Or you pass them by. How do you know...I felt that by walking away I was abandoning [them], that I spent my entire life, day after day, abandoning people.”

“I knew my mother was right, but that didn't change the way I felt about things. People always think that if they can prove they're right, you'll change your mind.”

“But are you glad you went to college? Was it a good experience?” I suppose it was. Althought I can’t remember a single thing I learned. Except for Latin, and that’s only because the nuns literally beat it into us and I use it sometimes for the crossword.” There were nuns at Radcliffe?” Yes, it was all nuns.” Are you sure? At Radcliffe?” Maybe it was high school.” But you aren’t Catholic,” I said. “I don’t think you ever went to a parochial school.” Well, I distinctly remember nuns with sticks walking up and down the aisles as we recited Latin. Maybe it was a show I was in, but I doubt it because nuns don’t beat children in musicals.”