Peter Cook

“I saw an advertisement the other day for the secret of life. It said 'The secret of life can be yours for twenty-five shillings. Sent to Secret of Life Institute, Willesden.' So I wrote away, seemed a good bargain, secret of life, twenty-five shillings. And I got a letter back saying, 'If you think you can get the secret of life for twenty-five shillings, you don't deserve to have it. Send fifty shillings for the secret of life.”

“As I looked out into the night sky, across all those infinite stars, it made me realize how insignificant they are.”

“1. Total domination of the world by 1958.2. Domination of the astral spheres quite soon too.3. The finding of lovely ladies for Spotty Muldoon within the foreseeable future.4. GETTING A NUCLEAR ARM to deter with.5. The bodily removal from this planet of C. P. Snow and Alan Freeman and their replacement with fine TREES.6. Stopping the GOVERNMENT from crawling up our pipes and listening to all we say.7. Training BEES for uses against foreign powers, and so on.8. Elimination of spindly insects and encouragement of lovely little newts who dance about and are happy.9. E. L. Wisty for GOD.”

“I may have done some other things as good but I am sure none better. I haven't matured, progressed, grown, become deeper, wiser, or funnier. But then, I never thought I would. (Peter Cook about Beyond the Fringe)”

“I met a man at a party. He said "I'm writing a novel" I said "Oh really? Neither am I.”

“I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly”

“Everything I've ever told you, including this, is a lie.”

“One of the ways to avoid being beaten by the system is to laugh at it.”

“I've always wanted to be an expert on tadpoles; I've always fancied being a tadpole expert. It's a wonderful life if you become an experty tadpoleous, as they are known in the trade. You get invited out to all the smart parties and social gatherings. When smart people are making out their lists for the dinner parties, they say, 'Now, who can we have to make up the ten? A tadpole expert would be very nice. He could sit next to Lady Sonia.”

“Job was what you'd technically describe as a loony.”

“All right, You Great Git, You've asked for it. I'll cover the world in Tastee-Freez and Wimpy Burgers. I'll fill it with concrete runways, motorways, aircraft, television, automobiles, advertising, plastic flowers, frozen food and supersonic bangs. I'll make it so noisy and disgusting that even You'll be ashamed of Yourself! No wonder You've so few friends. You're unbelievable!”

“I am blind -- but I am able to read thanks to a wonderful new system known as 'broil' . . . I'm sorry, I'll just feel that again.”

“I've always been after the trappings of great luxury. But all I've got hold of are the trappings of great poverty. I've got hold of the wrong load of trappings, and a rotten load they are too, ones I could have very well done without.”