Philip Ardagh

“If anyone had appeared in just a pair of boxer shorts or swimming trunks, the womenfolk would have had "an attack of the vapors" and the menfolk would have exploded in a rage at the indecency of it. What exactly "an attack of the vapors" was is unclear, because there is no such thing as womenfolk anymore, and there is certainly no such thing as an attack of the vapors.”

“Clean shoes are no indication of clean feet, especially if worn on the head.”

“There's never a good time to tell someone that you don't really exist.”