R. A. Spratt

“Samantha, what have I told you?' demanded Mr. Green.'That I should be seen, and not heard, until I turn eighteen. When I can say 'Good-bye, I'm returning my key' before moving out of home.' chanted Samantha.”

“You can tell which ones are the artists,' Nanny Piggins said loudly, for she could be instructive when she chose to be. 'They are the useless-looking one wearing cardigans.' There were indeed several useless-looking, grouchy young men wearing cardigans among the crowd. And those who had heard Nanny Piggins's comment glared at her instead of glaring meaningfully into empty space like they normally did.”

“Nanny Piggins lost the Vegetable Peeling, Gutter Cleaning, and Long Division Explaining tests as well. She got caught telling Michael, 'Don't bother to learn that. Long division is a waste of brain space, when you can just buy a calculator.' Which is only the truth.”

“Yes, I know, because schools are cruel, illogical, and unfair. But the thing is, life is cruel, illogical, and unfair. That is why the education system works so well. If schools and teachers did a good job and inspired children and made them enthusiastic about every subject, they would only be sadly disappointed when they got out into the real world. Better to disappoint them when they're young. It is more important to learn to cope with disappointment than learn how to do long division." - Nanny Piggins”

“Do they ever ask pirates to come and speak to you at your school's career day?''No,' admitted Derek. 'They usually just have accountants come and tell us how accountancy is really exciting.''They let people come and lie to you?' asked Nanny Piggins. 'Your headmaster is a very immoral man.”

“Experience has taught me that it is always better to be well rested than to know what you are doing - Nanny Piggins”

“She crept around the house listening for breathing, chocolate eating, breaking porcelain, or any of the other peculiar little noises children make.”

“Derrick, Samantha, and Michael were all very good at avoiding being murdered. Nanny Piggins considered this to be one of the most important life skills.”