Rick Riordan

“They know they’ve won,” Carter guessed. “They’re making a show of it.”“Yes,” Amos said.“Well, let’s blow up the boats or something!” I said.Amos looked at me. “Is that your strategy, honestly?”

“I headed towards the mountain, which was an almost irresistible beacon to my storm self. It glowed with heat, pressure, and turbulence—everything a little dust devil like me could want.”

“Imagine your body replaced by dust and vapor, and having a tingly feeling in your stomach without even having a stomach. Imagine having to concentrate just to keep yourself from dispersing into nothing.I got so angry, a flash of lightning crackled inside me.“Don’t be that way,” Amos chuckled. “It’s only for a few minutes.”

“Ever hold your hand over a torch (sorry, a flashlight for you Americans).”

“You need to be prepared to move.”“Why?” I sat up and looked out the windshield, straight into a raging sandstorm. “Oh…”

“Set’s storm is gathering,” Amos said with a twinkle in his eyes. “Shall we drive into is?”

“Doughboy, we need to talk.”Doughboy opened his wax eyes. “Finally! You realize how stuffy it is in there? At last you’ve remembered that you need my brilliant guidance.”“Actually we need to become a coat.”

“My glowing form was so heavy, its feet sank into the top of the tank.“Sekhmet!” I yelled.The lioness whirled and snarled, trying to locate my voice.“Up here, kitty!” I called.She spotted me and her ears went back. “Horus?”‘Unless you know another guy with a falcon head.”

“I will feast on enemies of Ra until my belly is full!”“Charming,” Sadie whispered.”

“We’re burning,” Sadie pointed out helpfully.“Noticed!” I yelled back.”

“How do we beat her? I asked.You pretty much don’t, Horus said. She is the incarnation of the sun’s wrath. Back in the day when Ra was active, she would have been much more impressive, but still. .She’s unstoppable. A born killer. A slaying machine—“Okay, I get it!” I yelled.”

“It’s my birthday, Horus insisted. Wish me happy birthday!“Happy birthday!” I yelled. “Now shut up!”

“We can’t make a portal—”“We’ve got a flying boat,” Carter offered.”

“You set us up!”“No! I swear—” Her face fell. “Mel. Mel must’ve told him.”“Right,” I grumbled. “Blame Mel.”

“Just my luck, on top of everything else I had to take baboon medicine.”

“Out my left, I saw baboon bum, out my right, my long-lost uncle Amos. Naturally, I decided to focus on the right.”

“More minions!” he shouted. “Come to me!”That couldn’t be good. Another round of giant crocs and we’d be dead.Why don’t we get minions? I complained to Horus, but he didn’t answer.”

“Thank Ra!” She exclaimed.“Yeah, I’m alive.”“No, I almost jumped in after you. I hate the water!”

“I looked back, but Bast and Sadie seemed fine. They were still staring at the water as if it were some amazing Internet video.”

“I caught Bast’s arm when she was a few steps from the bank.“Stay away from the water.”She frowned. “Carter, I’m a cat. I’m not going for a swim. But if you want to summon a river goddess, you really need to do it at the riverbank.”

“Yes, Horus said. I remember this place.It’s El Paso, I told him. Unless you went out for Mexican Food, you’ve never been here.”

“We’re on the moon,” Sadie murmured.“El Paso, Texas,” Bast corrected.”

“I blinked the sleep out of my eyes and realized my head was in Khufu’s lap. The baboon was foraging my scalp for munchies.“Dude.” I sat up groggily. “Not cool.”“But he gave you a lovely hairdo,” Sadie said.“Agh-agh!” Khufu agreed.”

“We don’t have much time. Mel will be out of the restroom soon.”“You’ve got a magician named Mel?”

“I didn’t know baboons could drive recreational vehicles, but Khufu did okay. When I woke up around dawn, he was navigating through the early morning rush hour in Houston, baring his fangs and barking a lot, and none of the other drivers seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary.”

“How flattering,” I grumbled. “My soul glows.”

“A long white ribbon shot out of the crack in the wall. The ribbon just kept coming, weaving itself into some kind of shape next to Anubis, and my first thought was, My god, he’s got a magic roll of toilet paper.”

“All I heard was the blood rushing through my ears, and the distant rumble and crackle of the Lake of Fire. (And Khufu scratching himself and grunting, but that was nothing new.)”

“I’m the god of funerals. I know every death custom in the world—how to die properly, how to prepare the body and soul for the afterlife. I live for death.”“You must be fun at parties,” I said.”

“His lion and hippo legs twitched. I wondered if netherworld monsters dreamed of chasing rabbits.”

“Anubis frowned. He locked his very nice eyes with mine. “You’re not dead.”“No,” I said. “Though we’re trying awfully hard.”

“Thanks for everything.”“As you wish,” the captain said. If axes could frown, I’m sure he would have.“Stay sharp,” Carter told him.”

“Someday, you will make an excellent guardian ba.”“Thanks,” I muttered. “Can’t wait to be poultry forever.”

“Keep a demon busy, I thought. Right. Maybe he fancies a game of Tiddlywinks.”

“Why are they so sad?” I asked.“Well, they’re dead,” Carter speculated.”

“Most people call it The Book of the Dead,” he told me. “Rich Egyptians were always buried with a copy, so they could have directions through the Duat to the Land of the Dead. It’s like an Idiot’s Guide to the Afterlife.”

“The baboon is driving,” I noted. “Should I be worried?”

“Me? I slept like the dead, which I hoped wasn’t a sign of things to come.”

“Khufu carefully picked out everything that ended with-o—Doritos, Oreos, and some chunks of meat. Buffalo? Armadillo? I was scared to even ask.”

“But how do we even get to the land of the dead?” I asked. “I mean…without dying.”

“I held out the painting of the cat and the snake.“It’s a cat and a snake,” Thoth said.Thank you, god of wisdom. You placed it for us to find, didn’t you? You’re trying to give us some sort of clue.”“Who, me?”Just kill him, Horus said.Shut up, I said.At least kill the guitar.”

“I must admit I’m impressed, Sadie. You controlled your magic and controlled Isis. And you, Carter, did well turning into a lizard.”

“Being turned into a lizard can really mess up your day.”

“I’ll distract them,” Carter said. “You search. The Trophy room is through there.”“Carter!”But the fool ran off to protect me. I hate when he does that.”

“This is Graceland. Home of the most famous musician in the world.”“Michael Jackson lived here?”“No, dummy,” Carter said. “Elvis Presley.”

“Maybe being home schooled, Carter didn’t realize that “test” is normally a bad thing.”

“You wrote this right?” he said. “It tells how to defeat Set.”Thoth unfolded the papyrus pages. “Oh, dear. I hate reading my old work. Look at this sentence. I’d never write it that way now.” He patted his lab coat pockets. “Red pen—does anyone have one?”Isis chafed against my willpower, insisting that we blast some sense into Thoth. One fireball, she pleaded. Just one enormous magical fireball?I couldn’t say I was tempted, but I kept her under control.“Since when does drool make you powerful?”

“On a basketball court, five players were in the middle of an intense game. They wore assortment of jerseys from different American teams, and they all seemed keen to win—grunting and snarling at each other, stealing the ball and pushing.Oh…and the players were all baboons.”

“One the next corner stood a cinder block restaurant with a hand-painted sign that read CHICKEN & WAFFLES. There was a queue of twenty people outside.“You Americans have the strangest taste. What planet is this?”

“You put the Set animal in your locker? Do you know how much strength that requires?”“Yeah,” I said. “I was there.”