Rick Riordan

“Amos clapped his hands. “Khufu!”I thought he’d sneezed, because Khufu is a weird name, but then a little dude about three feet tall with gold fur and a purple shirt came clambering down the stairs. It took me a second to realize it was a baboon wearing an L.A. Lakers jersey.”

“Very well! It shall be as you say. But my son, pray this works.I am praying. I'm talking to you, right?Oh...yes. Good point. Amphitrite - incoming!”

“You're a stalker with hooves.”

“Have you ever noticed how parents can go from the most wonderful people in the world to totally embarrassing in three seconds?”

“Right," Sadie said. "And Set will just stand there calmly while I read him to death.”

“You know how hard it is to feel like an extreme falcon-headed combat machine when somebody calls you "chicken man"?”

“Immortals are constrained by ancient rules. But a hero can go anywhere, challenge anyone, as long as he has the nerve.-Chiron”

“He was dressed just like on TV, with lots of silver chains and bracelets, ripped jeans, and a black muscle shirt (Which was kind of stupid, since he didn't have any muscles).”

“Then she did something that really surprised me. She blinked back tears and put out her arms.I stepped forward and hugged her. Butterflies started turning my stomach into a mosh pit."Hey, it's... it's okay." I patted her back.I was aware of everything in the room. I felt like I could read the tiniest print on any book on the shelves. Annabeth's hair smelled like lemon soap. She was shivering.”

“Afterward, I had the last laugh. I made an air bubble at the bottom of the lake. Our friends kept waiting for us to come up, but hey-when you are the son of Poseidon, you don't have to hurry. And it was pretty much the best underwater kiss of all time.”

“Don't untie me," she said, "no matter what happens or how much I plead. I'll want to go straight over the edge and drown myself.""Are you trying to tempt me?""Ha-ha.”

“Okay," I said. "Just a normal afternoon and two normal people."She nodded. "And so...hypothetically, if these to people likes each other, what would it take to get the stupid guy to kiss the girl, huh?""Oh..." I felt like one of Apollo's sacred cows-slow, dumb, and bright red. "Um...”

“The end of the world started when a pegasus landed on the hood of my car. Up until then I was having a great afternoon. ”

“Stop running, you fools!" Kronos yelled. "Stand and ACKK!" That last part was because a panicked Hyperborean giant stumbled backwards and sat on top of him. The lord of time disappeared under a giant blue butt.”

“Seriously, who has monogrammed pajamas?”

“True, you're the weakest of us all, but you're still one of the five, and there is power in collecting the complete set."He paused, then grinned. "The complete Set! That's funny! Now let's consume your energy and entomb your soul, shall we?”

“Far, far below, red liquid bubbled. Blood? Lava? Evil ketchup? None of the posibilities were good.”

“I'll let you and Zia have some quality time," she told me. "Just the two of you and your coat.”

“We ran, plowing through another pile of peppers. [No, I didn't pick a peck of them, Sadie - just shut up.]”

“Wha-what?" Her eyes fluttered open. "Nothing," I shouted. "We're being followed by a slaying machine. Go back to sleep.”

“BAD COW!”

“Because Hope survives best at the Hearth.”

“I stared at the river far below. "Why did you park us on the mountain? Why not closer?"Bast shrugged, as if this hadn't occurred to her. "Cats like to get as high up as possible. In case we have to pounce on something.""Great," I said. "So if we have to pounce, we're all set.”

“Thoth's beak! You are impossibley stubborn.""Yeah, it's a gift.”

“Well," I said. "If you need me, I'll be outside, playing with sharp objects.”

“At first I was protecting you two because I promised. Now even if I hadn't promised, I would. You two are like kittens to me. I won't fail you again."I'll admit I got a lump in my throat. I'd never been called someone's kitten before.Sadie sniffled. She brushed something from under her eye. "You're not going to wash us, are you?”

“Curled up at the base of the scales, fast asleep, was the oddest monster I'd seen yet. It had the head of crocodile with a lion's mane. The front half of its body was a lion, but the back end was sleek, brown, and fat - a hippo, I decided. The odd bit was, the animal was tiny - I mean, no larger than an average poodle, which I suppose made him a hippodoodle.”

“In person, if possible, Anubis was even more drop-dead gorgeous. [Oh . . . ha, ha. I didn't catch the pun, but thank you, Carter. God of the dead, drop-dead gorgeous. Yes, hilarious. Now, may I continue?]”

“But Grover’s voice was already growing fainter. ‘Sweet dreams. Don’t let me die!”

“It's hard to enjoy practical jokes when your whole life feels like one.”

“She blinked. "Hmm? Oh, don't care. What did Anubis look like to you?""What did... he looked like a guy. So?""A good-looking guy, or a slobbering dog-headed guy?""I guess... Not the dog-headed guy.""I knew it!" Sadie pointed at me as if she'd won an argument."Good-looking. I knew it!"And with a ridiculous grin, she spun around and skipped into the house. My sister, as I may have mentioned, is a little strange.”

“And it was pretty much the best underwater kiss of all time.”

“I seriously needed an extra-strength magic pillow, because my ba refused to stay put. [And no, Sadie, I don't think wrapping my head in duct tape would've worked either.]”

“Tell you what," I said. "After the testing after the Demon Days, when things settle down -""Things won't settle down.""- I'm going to take you to the mall."She blinked. "The mall? For what reason?""To hang out," I said. "We'll get some hamburgers. See a movie."Zia hesitated. "Is this what you'd call a 'date'?"My expression must have been priceless, because Zia actually cracked a smile. "You look like a cow hit with a shovel.”

“What was I up to, you may ask? I certainly didn't want to meet Monsieur Evil again or creepy old Lord Salamander.”

“Another guy barked orders to a small army of brooms, mops, and buckets that were scuttling around, cleaning up the city."Like that cartoon," Sadie said. "Where Mickey Mouse tries to do magic and the brooms keep splitting and toting water.""'The Sorcerer's Apprentice,'" Zia said. "You do know that was based on an Egyptian story, don't you?”

“The Temple of Dendur," Zia said. "Actually it was built by the Romans - ""When they occupied Egypt," Carter said, like this was delightful information. "Augustus commissioned it.""Yes," Zia said."Fascinating," I murmured. "Would you two like to be left alone with a history textbook?”

“I thought maybe she'd whisk us off by magic, or at least hail a taxi. Instead, Bast borrowed a silver Lexus convertible."Oh, yes," she purred. "I like this one! Come along, children.""But this isn't yours," I pointed out."My dear, I'm a cat. Everything I see is mine." She touched the ignition and the keyhole sparked. The engine began to purr. [No, Sadie. Not like a cat, like an engine.]”

“Our baboon was going completely sky goddess - which is to say, nuts.”

“Who are you?" he asked."I'm a shabti, of course!" The figurine rubbed his dented head. He still looked quite lumpish, only now he was a living lump. "Master calls me Doughboy, though I find the name insulting. You may call me Supreme-Force-Who-Crushes-His-Enemies!”

“I just love family meetings. Very cozy, with the Christmas garlands round the fireplace and a nice pot of tea and a detective from Scotland Yard ready to arrest you.”

“Lookin up at the huge baboons, I wondered if Khufu had some sort of secret baboon code that would get us in. But instead he barked at the statues and cowered heroically behind my legs.”

“Do you give up?" Shezmu bellowed."No!" I yelled. "No, we don't give up. We will name you. Just . . . Gosh, you're quite well muscled, arn't you? Do you work out?”

“So you've got no name?" I asked. "They couldn't think of one ugly enough?"The creature snarled, stepping over the unconscious policeman."Set animal is too hard to say," I decided. "I'll call you Leroy."Apparently, Leroy didn't like his name. He lunged.”

“I disobeyed Ra's wishes, and so he ordered my onw father, Shu-""Hang on," I said. "Shoe?""S-h-u," she said. "The god of the wind.""On." I wished these gods had names that wearn't common household objects. "Go on, please.”

“Zia," I said, "that's a goddess. She defeated Bast. What chance do you have?"Zia held up her staff and the carved lion's head burst into flames - a small red fireball so bright, it lit the entire room. "I am a scribe in the House of Life, Sadie Kane. I am trained to fight gods.”

“Amos sipped his coffee. "Sorry if that distubed you. Khufu's very picky. He only eats foods that end in -o. Doritos, burritos, flamingos."I blinked. "Did you say-""Carter," Sadie warned. She looked a little queasy, like she'd already had this conversation. "Don't ask.”

“Nut shrugged. "Set had always been Set, for better or worse. But he is still part of our family. It is difficult to lose any member of your family . . . is it not?”

“Now, now," Bast said. "It's not so bad.""Right," I said. "We're stuck in Washington, D.C. We have two days to make it to Arizona and stop a god we don't know how to stop. And if we can't, we'll never see our dad or Amos again, and the world might end.""That's the spirit!" Bast said brightly. "Now, let's have a picnic.”

“Ah, Mastery of the Five Elements!""Is that the one we want?" I asked."No, but a good one. How to tame the five essential elements of the universe - earth, air, water, fire, and cheese!""Cheese?”