Rita Rudner

“I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.”

“When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.”

“I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.”

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?”

“My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.”

“I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.”

“My mother buried three husbands...and two of them were only napping.”

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”

“Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.”

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”

“When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always”

“Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?”

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”

“When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?”

“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. ”