Robert Benchley

“If there is a streak of ham anywhere in an actor, Shakespeare will bring it out.”

“After an author has been dead for some time, it becomes increasingly difficult for his publishers to get a new book out of him each year.”

“Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.”

“A great many people have come up to me and asked how I manage to get so much work done and still keep looking so dissipated.”

“Central Park is the grandiose symbol of the front yard each child in New York hasn't got.”

“New York - The city where the people from Oshkosh look at the people from Dubuque in the next theater seats and say "These New Yorkers don't dress any better than we do.”

“As the storm came nearer I began to realize that I hadn't made the most of my three years' immunity. In fact, I hadn't done a single thing about cleaning up my life. I was, if anything, an even more logical target for lightning than the last time I was in range. And thunderstorms don't creep up on you at seven o'clock in the morning in a non-thunderstorm country for nothing, you know. I lined up a rather panicky schedule of reforms...But as the storm suddenly petered out and went off in the other direction nothing much has come out of it yet. I may have three years more, and these things can't be rushed.”

“The problem of what to wear while lolling about the house on a Sunday afternoon is becoming more and more acute as the fashions in lolling garments change. The American home is in danger of taking on the appearance of an Oriental bordello.”

“The free-lance writer is one who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.”

“One, two, three / Buckle my shoe.”

“The only cure for a real hangover is death.”

“Streets flooded. Please advise.”

“I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.”

“We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.”

“One of the easiest forms of pretense to break down is the pretense of enthusiasm for exotic foods. Just bring on the exotic foods.”

“Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. ”

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

“It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.”

“Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.”

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.”

“Every boy should have two things: a dog and a mother who lets him have one”

“I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.”

“Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.”

“There are two kinds of travel: first class and with children.”

“Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.”

“There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.”

“The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.”