Robert Orben

“Do you realize what would happen if Moses were alive today? He'd go up to Mount Sinai, come back with the Ten Commandments, and spend the next eight years trying to get published.”

“Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected”

“Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

“I take my children everywhere. Unfortunately, they find a way home.”

“Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal? Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.”

“To err is human — and to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

“More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.”

“Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights! ”

“Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”

“There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.”

“A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that "individuality" is the key to success.”

“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”

“Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.”

“Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.”

“Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some smaller countries are neutral. ”

“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.”