Rodney Dangerfield

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back”

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.”

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“Когато бях отвлечен като дете моите похитители изпратиха писмо на родителите ми "Платете 5000 долара или ви го връщаме”

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.”

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”