Samantha Schutz

“Where are you and what you are doing is something you have done dozens of times before without having any problems.Recognize that you are going to get out of this- that you always get out of this, that you are going to live, that you won't go crazy.I am telling you that you will live, because you always live, because you are strong and beautiful.”

“But waiting is killing me. Don't they understand? Don't they remember what it feels like? I want to have things settled. I can't stand the idea of not knowing.”

“I have only a general sense of the pain, of not being able to control my body and my thoughts. All I ever wanted was to have control- to be in charge of myself and the rest of the world.”

“This hurts more than anything else because I cannot stop it.”

“I am in a house. I am in one room and my anxiety is in another. It's close. I can feel it. I can go to it. But I won't.”

“I am so close to the edge that I could vomit, so close that it would be easy to jump.”

“Protection does not come in a bottle. It is in me, in my actions, in my thoughts. I am the best medicine for myself. I am the cure and the disease.”

“I am fearful of romantic dinners,huge crowds, dusk -of normal things-afraid to be loved,the one thing I want most.Maybe it's because I don't think I deserve itbecause I am not that perfectlittle girl that I was supposed to be,well manicured and well groomed,because I have nervous breakdowns,and take pills,and keep moving on.”

“I can't believeno one else can hearI am screaminginside my head.Things are moving too fast. I am going to die.I am going to die. I am going to die.My hands are shaking.I try to squeeze them, try to make it stop,but now my fists are shaking,and this shaking is working it's way through me.It must look like I am having a fit.I want to let the scream out, but I think if I start, I'll never stop.It's not supposed to be like this.I am too young to die. I don't know how to make this end,and if it doesn't, I'll have to go to the hospital,be medicated, force-fed soft foods.I don't want to be that person.I am not that person.I am not. I am not.”

“When kids make gross face,parents say, "One dayyour face is going to stick like that."I'm afraid that one daymy panic's going to stickand it's going to be my entire life,every second,and there will be nothing else.”

“Death is the period at the end of a sentence.Someone gone, but still out there, is an ellipsis...or a question to be answered.”

“My heart is empty.But my brain -my brain is full. It races with thoughtsof what could have been.”

“I shut my eyesand see a pocket of darkness.I want to fold myselfflat and crisp,slip inside of itlike a sheet of paperinto an envelope.”

“I feelemptyconfusedhurtnumbdisorientedmadvulnerableinsignificantblurrytiredsweatyoverwhelmedtemporaryanxious”

“I wish i had been there to hold his hand,brush the dark hair away from his cloudy blue eyes..whisper to him over and over that he was loved..”

“I visit him a few times downtownwhile he paints.We talk about how he's going to Spainfor the fall semesterand he shows me a painting he didand points to this one part,a bridge, and tells me he thought of mewhen he painted it.It is so sadhow knowing somethingso smallcan make me so happy.”

“Most days I go home cryingand my dad tells mewelcome to the real world.”

“All bad nights come to an end.”

“Even the pigeons are dancing, kissing,going in circles, mounting each other.Paris is the city of love,even for the birds.”

“I am jealous of the little kidspinning around near the fountain.What would these people thinkif I were to start spinningwith my arms spread wide?A lunatic on drugs, probably.My greatest accomplishment here is not caring,letting go of other people's opinions.I am not wound as tight.I can let go,just no spinning yet.”

“All of a sudden the world opened upand it's doing it again now.In this garden there are so many stories,so many other problems besides mine.”

“I am trying to find myselfin all of the chaos,find something that I can call meinside the screams and insidethe 'you shoulds' and 'you have to bes.”

“It's weird to hear this again - to hear how I was perceivedby people before they got to know me.Some of the girls thought I was a bitch - aloof, distant - but now they see the truth.”

“I crave broken men.When I try to save other peopleam I trying to save myself?Am I covering up for my lack of strengthby putting people back together?I am tired.I want someone to save me - build an intricate weband place it beneath me in case I fall.”

“Most days it feels like I am watching a moviewhere the sound isn't in sync, the speed is all wrong.Either I'm moving too quicklyand the world is dripping along,or the world is moving too quickly, cosmic,and I'm oozing like a slugbarely able to pull my own weight.It's best if I keep movingbecause if I stopped and stood stillpeople would see me shaking.”

“She says it's like a switch - a big red PANIC switch - gets flipped in my headand I can't turn it off.She says we're going to figure outhow to turn it off.”

“I feel like a marionette - like someone else is pulling the stringsand I have no choice but to comply.”

“I have been telling myselfthat these feelings are new,but they aren't,I just didn't connect them before”

“When I try to save other people am I trying to save myself? Am I covering up for my lack of strength by putting people back together?”

“I want things so bad that I force them, push them until they tear.”

“I am the cure and the disease.”

“Where you areand what you are doingis something you have donedozens of times beforewithout any problemsRecognize that you are going to get out of thisthat you always get out of thisthat you are going to livethat you won't go crazyI am telling you that you will live,because you always live,because you are strongand beautiful.”