Scott Adams

“You can never underestimate the stupidity of the general public”

“If you’re going to create, create a lot. Creativity is not like playing the slot machines, where failure to win means you go home broke. With creativity, if you don’t win, you’re usually no worse off than if you hadn’t played.”

“Intelligence is a measure of how well you function within your level of awareness.”

“The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.”

“Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.”

“You can change only what people know, not what they do.”

“If you spend all your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts.”

“Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.”

“When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.”

“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrationalthings in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is theprinciple behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”

“Caring about the quality of your work causes stress. Stress can kill you. Maintain good health by remembering that the stockholders are complete strangers who have never done anything for you.”

“The main difference between marketing and fraud is that criminals have to pay for their own alcohol.”

“There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the proper application of fonts and color.”

“Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.”

“The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.”

“Always remember that as long as other people are gullible, there's no limit to what you can achieve. ”

“The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.”

“Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.”

“Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.”

“Es gibt zwei Arten von Menschen: intelligente und attraktive Leute wie Sie [...] und die sechs Milliarden Idioten, die uns im Weg herumstehen.”

“If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.”

“The best you can hope for in a relationship is to findsomeone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It isfutile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someonewho is capable of significant change; that sort of personexists only in our imaginations.”

“The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.”

“Be careful that what you write does not offend anybody or cause problems within the company. The safest approach is to remove all useful information”

“Have you ever noticed that things that don’t kill you make you weaker? And great minds don’t think alike. If they did, the patent office would only have about fifty inventions. I started getting suspicious when I cried over spilt milk and the cashier took it off my bill.” - Wally”

“How did people steal before computers? - Dogbert”

“Our system requires a continuous supply of highly capable people who are so disgruntled with their jobs that they are willing to chew off their own arms to escape their bosses.”

“The best things in life are silly.”

“When did ignorance become a point of view?”

“Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple effect with no logical end.”

“Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo”

“The source of all unhappiness is other people. As soon as you learn tothink of other people as noisy furniture, the sooner you will be happy.- Wally's Keynote Speech”

“I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.”

“What does it mean to be yourself?” he asked. “If itmeans to do what you think you ought to do, then you’redoing that already. If it means to act like you’re exemptfrom society’s influence, that’s the worst advice in theworld; you would probably stop bathing and wearing clothes.The advice to ‘be yourself’ is obviously nonsense. But ourbrains accept this tripe as wisdom because it is more comfortableto believe we have a strategy for life than to believewe have no idea how to behave.”

“I should have written that down. - Dilbert”

“I get mail; therefore I am.”

“Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.”

“Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there”

“Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto”

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”

“Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.”

“If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy.”

“I love you like a fat kid loves cake!”

“You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.”

“The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.”

“Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt.”

“The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it.”