Sharon E. Rainey

“Time heals even the deepest wounds.”

“The pain had to be great enough for me to accept my reality, to hope that something different, and hopefully better, was out there and to do whatever came next to reach that point. It seems clear and simple when I write it down on paper. But I also know just because something is simple, it does not mean it is easy.”

“I knew if I stayed where I was, nothing would get better; nothing would change. If I wanted to ease the pain, I had to try something different.”

“Through each crisis in my life, with acceptance and hope, in a single defining moment, I finally gained the courage to do things differently.”

“Acceptance doesn’t mean that life gets better; it just means that my way of living life on life’s terms improves.”

“I could accept my circumstances, my life, people, and even events around me, without giving my approval or releasing my control over such. I don’t have to like what happened; I just need to accept that it indeed occurred.”

“I call it an Aha! moment. It is the moment when I can hear, when I know, that an answer is being offered to me. All other sounds measurably fade, including the banter in my brain. It is when the answer travels from my heart to my head and says, “This is so.” No questions follow, no objections interrupt; just the recognition that I must listen and follow.”

“I was desperately searching for something to make sense; for the world to connect back with me.”

“As we each began our journey, we learned the importance of connecting, of laughing with one another (not at one another), of sharing our lives.”

“The routine helped the healing process. It gave me structure. It eliminated any sense of surprise, which at that point, I really didn’t want anymore surprises in my life. Routine gave me the foundation for creat- ing a healthier life.”

“Deep down inside of me, way down deep, in a place previously unknown; I heard it: a solid, honest, compassionate whisper. It was quiet, very quiet. But it was clear. And it was true. “If you go back into that house, you will never come back out.”

“I thought that day was the end of my life. It was the end of the world as I knew and understood it. I was taking another step into the unknown, again, onto a path unknown, grappled with fear and anxiety.”

“I wanted to live more than I wanted to die. I didn’t know how to live. I didn’t know how I would be able to live life on life’s terms. But I know God carried me to the end of that journey so I could start a new one. In those few days, God brought me to the point of willingness again, to start down a path with an unknown destination.”

“I believe that time period was a gift of God’s grace. I have no other way to explain why I did not die or suffer permanently disabling seizures.”

“I am not proud of this moment. It is not one I share with others often, and rarely have I done so. It was hard to live through then. And it is difficult to walk through now, 22+ years later. But this is the moment that lay to rest every doubt about whether or not I had a “problem.”

“If you stop drinking, I’ll stop taking Valium, and then we’ll see who’s who and who’s what.”

“Most teenage suicide attempts are cries for help; the teens survive, succeeding in bringing them the wanted attention. Mine was not a cry for help. I wanted to end my life and my misery.”

“I am, by God’s design, a “feeler.” Everything in the world I interpret with my feelings. I am hyper-sensitive to others’ hurtful words. I find it almost impossible to let what others say “just roll off my back.” I personalize too much of what anyone says to me. This is definitely not a good characteristic, but it is how God created me. I have worked very hard through the years to change this, with very little success.”

“Why did I want to die? Because living was just so damn hard, even at age 10. When all I had to do was get up in the morning and go to school, it was more than drudgery; it was excruciating.”

“I remember thinking I wanted to die rather than live through another February day of grayness; I didn’t tell anyone because I knew it wasn’t normal. And normal was all I ever wanted to be.”

“My body craved sunshine; winter felt like an addict’s withdrawal.”

“I thought by masking the depression with silence, the feelings might disappear.”

“I did the only thing I knew how to do: I built my own walls of silence to disguise my desperation and what later came to be recognized and diagnosed as depression.”

“No one gave me the secret decoder ring on how to make friends.”

“This is where life as I knew it changed. This is where a new feeling slowly, eventually, permeated every cell of my body, changing the way I took in the world. My perceptions, opinions, everything changed the year I moved from Texas to Virginia.”

“By first grade, my sense of worth was in direct proportion to what I learned and what I contributed back to the class. I had already become a human doing instead of a human being.”

“Most of all, I remember her laughing. It filled my ears. Her smile, her sparkling eyes, and her infectious laughter, along with the vistas, were limitless and unending and powerful.”

“Life is messy. Grit and grace come at us fast, side by side. Sometimes the grit becomes overwhelming and diminishes our spirit. What’s good seems lost and gone forever. This is a story about the pathway back to what’s beautiful, when the way back seems impossible.”

“I had to clear up my messy life. By letting go of the debris and filth, I have come to a deeper, more soulful beauty and clarity like an oasis in the desert. From that place of clarity, a vision of what I could have, what I could do, who I could be has emerged if I allow my heart to become a place of compassion, acceptance and forgiveness.”

“With each opportunity before me, God presented me with a choice. I could accept His offerings, His wisdom, His grace. Or I could choose to hold onto the pain, the anger and the resentment a little longer.”

“With each challenging situation, each nightmare— each new piece of grit embraced and transformed—I came through with a more loving family, deeper friendships, and an even more profound relationship with God.”

“I’m not ‘different’ from anyone else. Crises and tough emotional periods are the grit around which my inner self has been formed. Some, I have come through with more grace than others.”