Steve Kluger

“Oh, no. This has "marriage" written all over it. Travis, read my lips: remember that Fellini film with the prostitute who says that every new sunrise makes her a virgin? It doesn't work that way with me. Even the sun thinks I'm a slut.”

“Let's also not forget Wei's immortal words to him nine minutes after he was born, when she first stared into those big brown eyes: 'Oh, honey. Promise me you'll grow up to like boys. Because I don't want any other woman in your life except me.”

“Hucky was so dazzled by the view of the colored lights from Forty-seventh Street, he could only manage to ask me two questions: (1) "doesn't it look like Christmas?" and (2) "Why is that man peeing on the street?" So I told him (1) "Yes," and (2) "Because that's the way they do it in New York. But you have to have a license first." I had to lie through my teeth about the last part because I'd already jumped ahead to what he was planning when we got out of the cab.”

“ Ale Perez I can't imagine why anyone would choose to be male. It's just so unsubtle. Women only have to deal with breasts, which are what they are. They don't suddenly stand up whenever they feel like it and begin pointing at something they want. Augie Hwong You SO don't know what you're missing.”

“Ale Perez What happened to your right hand? TCKeller hucky made me finger-spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious untill he got it right. it took an hour and a half. i still can't hold a fork. what's the favour.”

“This week my son thinks he's the Supremes.All of them. So we can scratch "straight"off the list. At least I hope we can. As a gay kid he'll be a natural leader. Put him in a macho bullshit environment and he's going to have a hard time. I don't want that to happen. (Let's also not forget Wei's immortal words to him nine minutes after he was born, when she first stared into those big brown eyes: "Oh, honey. Promose me you'll grow up to like boys. Because I don't want any other woman in your life except me.")”

“. . . it's not just the people we love, but the people we let love us back who show us how high we can really soar.”

“What do you mean Taurus? he frowns. I'm not a Taurus.You were born on the cusp, I remind him. Jason merely shrugs.Shows what you know, Scotty, I was born in Ohio.I can take him anywhere but out.”

“My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.”

“Say 'Kenmore Square'," I insist."Kenmaw Sqway-ah.""Say 'Nothing could be finer than to be in Carolina.'" "Nothing could be finah than to be in Caroliner.'" "You're doing that on purpose." "I'm not. I sway-ah.”

“Romance isn't just about roses or killing dragons or sailing a kayak around the world. It's also about chocolate chip cookies and sharing The Grateful Dead and James Taylor with me in the middle of the night, and believing me when I say that you could be bigger than both of them put together, and not making fun of me for straightening out my french fries or pointing my shoelaces in the same direction, and letting me pout when I don't get my own way, and pretending that if I play "Flower Drum Song" one more time you won't throw me and the record out the window”

“Falling hard for somebody makes you do things you never thought you'd do before. Like pulling off an A in History or finally facing the truth about yourself”

“It doesn't matter what people thinks of you as long as you know that your heart and head are in the right place.”

“REAL LIFE vs THE MOVIESBreaking Up in the Movies:Boy #1: This isn’t working out, is it?Boy #2: Sort of not, huh?Boy #1: You can’t say we didn’t try.Boy #2: We sure did. Besides, we’re still best friends.Boy #1: Forever.Boy #2: This is terrific pasta.Breaking Up for Real:Boy #1: Are you asleep?Boy #2: Does it sound like it?Boy #1: I’m sorry about the tuna fish.Boy #2: It isn’t the tuna fish! It’s the last six months!Boy #1: You’re an asshole.Boy #2: Let go of my cock.”

“We make families of our own, Travis whispered in my arms on the last night we spent together. It starts with you and me and then it spreads. And whatever happens, there’ll always be a part of me that’s part of you. No matter what.”

“A first kiss after five months means more than a first kiss after five minutes.”

“And if Henry Higgins is not the most reprehensible character ever written for the stage, that's only because somewhere, somehow, someone is composing a musical biography of Ronald Reagan”

“Never, ever stop believing in magic, no matter how old you get. Because if you keep looking long enough and don't give up, sooner or later you're going to find Mary Poppins.”

“Even though I didn't notice it while it was happening, I got reminded in ninth grade of a few things I guess I should have known all along. 1. A first kiss after five months means more than a first kiss after five minutes. 2. Always remember what it was like to be six. 3. Never, ever stop believing in magic, no matter how old you get. Because if you keep looking long enough and don't give up, sooner or later you're going to find Mary Poppins. And if you're reall lucky, maybe even a purple balloon.”

“It would have served me right if I'd had a cerebral aneurysm on the spot. Instead, I forgot all about my foot--until we shoved the flat onto the stage. I think we broke my ankle. This is bullshit. I have finals to worry about.”

“T.C.: Um, actually you just said "I live in a parking lot." You didn't mean to do that.Lori: You've never seen traffic on Concord Street at eight o'clock in the morning.”

“Just because you discover that you may like somebody after all, it doesn't necessarily mean there's any attraction.”

“Communicating with the federal government is like talking to a computer that's crashing.”

“Ale: Are you manipulating me again?T.C.: Try not to fall for it. I dare you.”

“Like there's actually a need for Greenland. You can get ice at 7-Eleven.”

“Augie: Does everybody else know?T.C.: About my epitaph?Augie: About me being gay, you gink-head hoser-face!T.C. Not everybody. There's a night watchman at a Dunkin Donuts just outside of Detroit. He doesn't know yet.”

“Why do guys insist on wearing those odious jeans with their rear ends hanging down around their ankles? Do they really think it's hot?”

“Papa, I'm ashamed that you think women are so simple. We can make decisions for ourselves too, you know. I'm not a child or a baby anymore, so I'm allowed to speak my mind. And if you don't wish to hear it, just tell me so and I'll go into another room-but I'll speak it anyway. I want this for myself as much as I've never wanted the diplomatic corps and I'm going to get it-even if I have to do it alone. Excuse me.”

“Mr. Herbert DemarestAlexander Hamilton Jr. High2236 Bedford AvenueBrooklyn NYDear Mr Demarest, Then why don't you give him 'Withering Heights'? At least Heathcoat knew how to kick some ass.Chas. Banks3d Base”

“The only thing I know about Moses is him coming down from the mountain with the commandments and saying 'The good news is I got him down to 10. The bad news is adultery is still in.”

“Alexander Hamilton Junior High School-- SEMESTER REPORT -- STUDENT: Joseph MargolisTEACHER: Janet HicksENGLISH: A, ARITHMETIC: A, SOCIAL STUDIES: A, SCIENCE: A, NEATNESS: A, PUNCTUALITY: A, PARTICIPATION: A, OBEDIENCE: DTeacher's Comments:Joseph remains a challenging student. While I appreciate his creativity, I am sure you will agree that a classroom is an inappropriate forum for a reckless imagination. There is not a shred of evidence to support his claim that Dolley Madison was a Lesbian, and even fewer grounds to explain why he even knows what the word means. Similarly, an analysis of the Constitutional Convention does not generate sufficient cause to initiate a two-hour classroom debate on what types of automobiles the Founding Fathers would have driven were they alive today. When asked on a subsequent examination, "What did Benjamin Franklin use to discover electricity?" eleven children responded "A Packard convertible". I trust you see my problem.[...]Janet HicksParent's Comments:As usual I am very proud of Joey's grades. I too was unaware that Dolley Madison was a Lesbian. I assumed they were all Protestants.Thank you for writing.Ida Margolis”