Sue Limb

“Geographically, Jess's backside was a mountain range. The sun rose over it -eventually. Huge birds of prey nested on its craggy heights and hunted in its shadows. It wouldn't have been so bad if Jess's bum had been balanced by a nice big bosom. Jennifer Lopez, Britney Spears, and Serena Williams were designed with this pleasing sense of balance. But geographically, Jess's boobs could not balance her bum at all. Her chest was the kind of featureless plain upon which airports are constructed.”

“Jess began to wish she had worn a modest top that covered her up as far as- well, as far as her eyebrows. She wished she had at least rehearsed dancing in front of her full-length mirror before leaving home. She feared that her newly buoyant boobs might be getting rather out of hand. Bonnie especially - the left one - was beginning to feel a bit free-range, and it did seem a little drafty across her chest. Jess also began to worry that, in shaking up the soup so violently, she might somehow make it boil over.”

“I'm really sorry, Jess, but she's going to have to have your room.''My room?' exploded Jess. 'There's a perfectly good spare room upstairs!''Yes, but you see, darling, Granny can't manage stairs quite so easily anymore. Since Grandpa died and she had that fall, you know- well, her house is too much for her to manage on her own. [...] Granny has to be on the ground floor, love. She can use the groundfloor loo, and we'll convert the old coal shed at the back into a bathroom.'Jess was too furious to speak. No, wait, she wasn't. 'Where am I supposed to sleep then?' she snapped. 'Out on the pavement?”

“Jess and Flora met in a cafe. Unfortunately, their part of town was completely lacking in style, and the only place open on Sundays was a little religious charity place that sold snacks made by poor people in Africa. 'God!' growled Jess, trying to free her teeth from a cereal bar made of tree bark, gravel, and superglue. 'Is this actually food or some kind of building material?”

“Fred just shrugged enigmatically. 'What? Just a load of girls going to the toilet? Personally I prefer wildlife videos.”

“Gran! Gran?' yelled Jess, racing upstairs. She looked everywhere. Nothing. No aged person. Only Rasputin, looking startled and disapproving. 'Where's Gran, Rasputin? For goodness' sake! Have you eaten her?' cried Jess. Rasputin looked shocked and innocent.”

“Fred, Fred, Fred, I'm sick of hearing about him!' snapped Jess's mum. 'He rang the other day, and straight away you were off out to meet him. Haven't you got any dignity? Any pride? Or will you just run off out at the beck and call of any Tom, Dick, or Harry?''Well, I wouldn't cross the road to see Tom or Dick, but if it was Prince Harry, well, now you're talking!' she said. Granny laughed. Mum looked cross and ran her fingers through her hair in a tragic and fatigued way.”

“Jess actually dreaded having a boyfriend, because of having to tell her mum. Perhaps she would just avoid it until her mum eighty or something and in an old-people's home, and then Jess, who would by then be about fifty, would drop by and casually remark, "Oh, by the way, Mum, I've got a boyfriend." And even then her mum would probebly hurtle out of her wheelchair and smack her hard across the face, crying "You trash! You whore! Get outta my house--I mean, my room!" It was hard sometimes, being the daughter of a radical feminist who hated men. ”

“Virgo: Your teddy bear will reveal that he is pregnant and will require counseling. ”

“The box room. No bigger than a coffin. It would be like being buried. Maybe she wouldn't keep her Barbies after all. She would make a huge bonfire in the back garden. She would burn her clothes. She would burn all her old toys (except for her old teddy bear Rasputin, obviously—he was more of a guru and personal trainer than a toy). She would burn her CDs and her CD player. She would burn all her makeup. She would shave all her hair off and burn that. She would wear only a pair of Oriental black pajamas. She would sleep in the box room on a small mat made out of rushes. The only item in the room would be a plain white saucer for her tears. Then they'd be sorry.”

“Useless, idle, exploitative male chauvinist drone!”