Susan Forward

“Enmeshment creates almost total dependence on approval and validation from outside yourself. Lovers, bosses, friends, even strangers become the stand-in for parents. Adults like Kim who were raised in families where there was no permission to be an individual frequently become approval junkies, constantly seeking their next fix.”

“In families like Fred's, much of a child's identity and his illusions of safety depend on feeling enmeshed. He develops a need to be a part of other people and to have them be a part of him. He can't stand the thought of being cast out. This need for enmeshment carries right into adult relationships.”

“Föräldrakärlek är den enda kärleken där det slutliga målet måste vara skillsmässa. En mor som sätter värde på sonens strävan efter oberoende och uppmuntrar honom att skiljas från henne när han behöver det ger honom mycket viktiga verktyg för att handskas med livet. När modern är villig att låta sonen etablera sin egen identitet genom att låta honom ta risker på egen hand och låta honom göra sina egna misstag, och ändå finns till hands om han skulle behöva henne, bidrar hon till att skapa en människa som har förtroende för sig själv och sin förmåga.Den förkvävande modern hindrar och begränsar i stället sonens utveckling genom att styra honom för mycket och få honom att känna sig oduglig och hjälplös.”

“Alla barn längtar att känna sig trygga, skyddade och älskade av sina föräldrar. De behöver också få lov att växa upp och bli oberoende. Paradoxalt nog kan människor bli oberoende vuxna bara om deras behov av beroende blev fyllt när de var barn. Om deras behov av beroende inte fylldes finns det en värkande tomhet inom dem, och den känslan bär de med sig in i vuxenlivet.”

“She was battered incessantly, regularly, all the time. I'm not saying 24 hours a day, but the incidents of battering were extraordinarily high.”

“Reality CheckHis lying is not contigent on who you are or what you do. His lying is not your fault. Lying is his choice and his problem, and if he makes that choice with you, he will make it with any other woman he’s with. That doesn’t mean you’re an angel and he’s the devil. It does mean that if he doesn’t like certain things about you, he has many ways to address them besides lying. If there are sexual problems between you, there are many resources available to help you. Nothing can change until you hold him responsible and accountable for lying and stop blaming yourself. The lies we tell ourselves to keep from seeing the truth about our lovers don’t feel like lies. They feel comfortable, familiar, and true. We repeat them like a mantra and cling to them like security blankets, hoping to calm ourselves and regain our sense that the world works the way we believe it ought to. Self-lies are false friends we look to for comfort and protection—and for a short time they may make us feel better. But we can only keep the truth at bay for so long. Our self-lies can’t erase his lies, and as we’ll see, the longer we try to pretend they can, the more we deepen the hurt.”

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.”

“MAKING THE LIE MAKE SENSE:When denial (his or ours) can no longer hold and we finally have to admit to ourselves that we’ve been lied to, we search frantically for ways to keep it from disrupting our lives. So we rationalize. We find “good reasons” to justify his lying, just as he almost always accompanies his confessions with “good reasons” for his lies. He tells us he only lied because…. We tell ourselves he only lied because…. We make excuses for him: The lying wasn’t significant/Everybody lies/He’s only human/I have no right to judge him.Allowing the lies to register in our consciousness means having to make room for any number of frightening possibilities:• He’s not the man I thought he was.• The relationship has spun out of control and I don’t know what to do• The relationship may be over. Most women will do almost anything to avoid having to face these truths. Even if we yell and scream at him when we discover that he’s lied to us, once the dust settles, most of us will opt for the comforting territory of rationalization. In fact, many of us are willing to rewire our senses, short-circuit our instincts and intelligence, and accept the seductive comfort of self-delusion.”

“When your lover is a liar, you and he have a lot in common, you're both lying to you!”