Tahereh Mafi

“A handful of letters doesn't always make a word, love.”

“I hear Warner laugh.I see him smile.It's the kind of smile that transforms him into someone else entirely, the kind of smile that puts stars in his eyes and a dazzle on his lips and I realize I've never seen him like this before. I've never seen his teeth--so straight, so white, nothing less than perfect. A flawless, flawless exterior for a boy with a black, black heart. It's hard to believe there's blood on the hands of the person I'm staring at. He looks soft and vulnerable--so human. His eyes are squinting from all his grinning and his cheeks are pink form the cold.He has dimples.He's easily the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.And I wish I'd never seen it.”

“And I'd really appreciate it if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper. Because it's stupid,”

“I'm not blind, okay? On a purely physical level? Yeah, you're pretty sexy-- and that suit you have to wear all the time doesn't hurt. But even if you didn't have that 'I kill you if I touch you' thing going on, you are definitely not my type. And more importantly, I'm not some perverted asshole," he says. "I take my job seriously. I get real shit done in this world, and I like to think people respect me for it.”

“Because a quiet night is not the same as a silent one, a firm man is not the same as a steady one, and a bright light is not the same as a brilliant one.”

“I wish I could put his words in my pocket just to touch them once in a while and remind myself that they exist.”

“I saw the world and its lack of compassion, its harsh, grating judgment, and its cold, resentful eyes.”

“You’ll be fine. You didn’t even break anything. You messed up your knuckles and your brain freaked out a little and basically you just fell asleep for three days. I don’t call that an injury,” he says. “I call that a god- damn vacation.”

“And he leans in, so carefully. Breathing and not breathing and hearts beating between us and he's so close, he's so close and I can't feel my legs anymore. I can't feel my fingers or the cold or the emptiness of this room because all I feel is him, everywhere, filling everything and he whispers"Please."He says, "Please don't shoot me for this.”

“We don’t have to do anything at all to die.We can hide in a cupboard under the stairs our whole life and it’ll still find us. Death will show up wearing an invisible cloak and it will wave a magic wand and whisk us away when we least expect it. It will erase every trace of our existence on this earth and it will do all this work for free. It will ask for nothing in return. It will take a bow at our funeral and accept the accolades for a job well done and then it will disappear.Living is a little more complex. There’s one thing we always have to do.Breathe.In and out, every single day in every hour minute and moment we must inhale whether we like it or not. Even as we plan to asphyxiate our hopes and dreams still we breathe. Even as we wither away and sell our dignity to the man on the corner we breathe. We breathe when we’re wrong, we breathe when we’re right, we breathe even as we slip off the ledge toward an early grave. It cannot be undone.So I breathe.I count all the steps I’ve climbed toward the noose hanging from the ceiling of my existence and I count out the number of times I’ve been stupid and I run out of numbers.”

“It sounds crazy, to think that I cared so much without ever talking to you.”

“We are synonyms but not the same.”

“I want to know where to touch you, I want to know how to touch you.”

“I'd appreciate if you'd grow the hell up and stop walking around like the world crapped on your only roll of toilet paper.”

“It's raining today. The sky is weeping for us.”

“But being around so much love has managed to thaw my frozen parts into something human. I feel human. Like maybe I could be part of this world. Like maybe I don't have to be a monster. Maybe I'm not a monster. Maybe things can change.”

“I need to remember never to get too comfortable.”

“There are secrets everywhere. There are answers nowhere.”

“I wondered if your eye color meant you saw the world differently. If the world saw you differently as a result.”

“I didn't dare get close to people. I couldn't risk it.”

“The human imagination is often disastrous when left to its own devices.”

“You've been on the edge of insanity your entire life, haven't you? So many people called you crazy you actually started to believe it. You wondered if they were right. You wondered if you could fix it. You though if you could just try a little harder, be a little better, smarter, nicer - you thought the world would change its mind about you. You blamed yourself for everything.”

“I have a heart, says science, but I am a monster, says society.”

“For one infinite second I feel free.”

“Hello. World.You will forget me.”

“Oh, so now you’re abusing the crippled kid, huh?” Kenji takes a moment to steady himself before punching Adam in the arm. “Save your angst for the battlefield, bro. You’re going to need it.”

“I wish someone would remind me how to breathe.”

“Then what's happening right now? Because something is happening right now and it doesn't feel okay," he says, his voice catching.”

“The books...they helped keep me from losing my mind altogether.”

“Of course I remember you." My voice is a strangled whisper. I squeeze my eyes shut. "You were the only one who ever looked at me like a human being.”

“I don't know much about anything in this world but I do know how to read the book written in his eyes.”

“Impossible is such a stupid word.”

“We're running out of time, he said. As if time were the kind of thing you could run out of, as if it were measured into bowls that were handed to us at birth and if we ate too much or too fast or right before jumping into the water then our time would be lost, wasted, already spent.”

“What a beautiful disaster.”

“I've developed a reputation as cold, unfeeling monster who fears nothing and cares for less. But this is all very deceiving. Because the truth is, I am nothing but a coward.”

“Ich denke immer wieder über Regentropfen nach.Sie fallen vom Himmel, stolpern über ihre Füße, brechen sich die Beine, vergessen ihre Fallschirme, wenn sie heruntertaumeln, einem ungewissen Ende entgegen. Als entleere jemand seine Taschen über der Erde. Dem es egal ist, dass die Regentropfen zerplatzen, wenn sie auftreffen, dass sie zerspringen, wenn sie den Boden erreichen, dass die Menschen die Tage verwünschen, an denen die Tropfen so dreist sind, an ihre Tür zu klopfen.Ich bin ein Regentropfen.”

“Regentropfen erinnern mich daran, dass Wolken einen Herzschlag haben.”

“And even if the world hates me, even if they never stop hating me, I will never avenge myself on an innocent person. If I die, if I am killed, if I am murdered in my sleep, I will at least die with a shred of dignity. A piece of humanity that is still entirely mine, entirely under my control. And I will not allow anyone to take that from me.”

“We are synonyms but not the same.Synonyms know each other like old colleagues, like a set of friends who've seen the world together. They swap stories, reminisce about their origins and forget that though they are similar, they are entirely different, and though they share a certain set of attributes, one can never be the other. Because a quiet night is not the same as a silent one, a firm man is not the same as a steady one, and a bright light is not the same as a brilliant one because the way they wedge themselves into a sentence changes everything.They are not the same.”

“And I do. I do wonder, I think about it all the time. What it would be like to kill myself. Because I never really know, I still can't tell the difference, I'm never quite certain whether or not I'm actually alive. I sit here every single day. Run, I said to myself. Run until your lungs collapse, until the wind whips and snaps at your tattered clothes, until you're a blur that blends into the background. Run, Juliette, run faster, run until your bones break and your shins split and your muscles atrophy and your heart dies because it was always too big for your chest and it beat too fast for too long and you run.Run run run until you can't hear their feet behind you. Run until they drop their fists and their shouts dissolve in the air. Run with your eyes open and your mouth shut and dam the river rushing up behind your eyes. Run, Juliette.Run until you drop dead. Make sure your heart stops before they ever reach you. Before they ever touch you.Run, I said.”

“Because a quite night is not the same as a silent one,a firm man is not the same as a steady one, and a bright light is not the same as a brilliant one because of the way they wedge themseleves into a sentence changes everything.”

“You sick piece of shit," Adam says to him, his voice low, measured."Such unfortunate language." Warner shakes his head. "Only those who cannot express themselves intelligently would resort to such crude substitutions in vocabulary.”

“I didn't sleep at all last night, my heart and mind plagued and conflicted and I cant feel my limbs, I cant taste the food I'm not eating and I cant see straight, I cant focus on the things I'm supposed to be hearing. All I can think about are all the casualties and Warner's lips on my neck, his hands on my body, the pain and passion in his eyes and the many possible ways I could die today. I can only think about Warner touching me, kissing me, torturing me with his heart and Adam sitting beside me, not knowing what I've done.”

“I don't know what I was expecting.Maybe I thought I'd catch him trying to break a hole in the wall or maybe he'd be plotting the demise of every person at Omega Point or I don't know I don't know I don't know anything because I only know how to fight an angry body, an insolent creature, an arrogant monster, and I do not know what to do with this. He's sleeping.”

“He looks away.And he smiles.Its the kind of smile that makes me forget how to do everything but blink and blink and I don't understand what's happening to me. I don't know why I cant convince my eyes to find something else to focus on.I don't know why my heart is losing its mind.”

“I think I must be smiling at him because he's smiling at me, but he's smiling like he might be petrified; he's breathing like he's forgotten he's supposed to, looking at me like he's not sure how to do this, hesitating like he's unsure how to let me see him like this. Like he has no idea how to be so vulnerable.But here he is.And here I am.”

“He's dangerous, electric, impossible to contain. His body is rippling with an energy so extraordinary that even when he's calmed down it's almost palpable. It has a presence.”

“Adam leans into my ear. I feel the soft whispers of his breath just before he begins to speak."You guys are disgusting, you know that, right?"I look up, startled, and find Kenji frozen midmovement, his spoon halfway to his mouth, his head cocking in our direction. He gestures with his spoon at our faces. "What the hell is this? You guys playing footsie under the table or someshit?”

“I turn to face him. "Listen, I'm grateful you're going to help me train now-really, I am. Thank you for that. But you can't go around proclaiming your fake love for me-especially not in front of Adam-and you have to let me cross this room before the breakfast hour is over, okay? I hardly ever get to see him."Kenji nods very slowly, looks a little solemn. You're right. I'm sorry. I get it.""Thank you.""Adam is jealous of our love.""Just go get your food!" I push him, hard, fighting back an exasperated laugh.”

“The truth," he says, "is a painful reminder of why I prefer to live among the lies.”