Tara Brown

“Those smutty books sell because women wish their husbands had half the balls the men in those books do.”

“They don't know those places in me. Only he does. Only he has seen the darkness inside of me and turns into love and light.”

“The world in which we live is held together by love. The world in which we love is held together by fate. The world in which we die is of our own making. Death comes from hatred and man is the only creature who hates, stronger than he loves.”

“I smirk. There is no weird pillow talk and no pretending we're soft delicate people. No apologies, limits yes, but no shame.”

“He grabs my arm and pulls me into his embrace. I close my eyes and it's perfection. The kiss is needy and desperate even if it's closed mouth. It's the things we don't say. Words like, I needed you more than anything in the entire world and here you are. It's the sentences neither of us can say. Because neither of us likes grand gestures or big words. But the kiss says it all, the desperate tremble of his fearful lips against mine, speak volumes compared to the words we may or may not be able to say.”

“You are so lucky to have each other. I've never actually seen a man love a woman as much as he loves you, Sarah. I love your father and he loves me. We have survived a lot of things, but I know in my heart of hearts our love is not as intense as yours.”

“They don’t really know him, not the dark and scary parts, but then again they don’t know those places in me. Only he does. Only he has seen the darkness. Only he embraces the darkness inside of me and turns it into love and light.”

“I grip him. "Don’t leave me."He kisses my lips, "Never again. This isn’t me leaving you. This is me choosing you." He throws my words back at me.He kisses me once more and then pushes off. He leaves and doesn’t look back. I fight the urge to run after him.”

“I don’t want to be the china doll you glued back together. I don’t want to look whole from a distance, but when you get close enough you can see all the cracks."He runs a gloved hand down my cheeks, "The cracks make us who we are."I shake my head, "We can be better than this.”

“I will always be that guy's girl. I've made him so big in my mind that I can't even move around in there. It's not that I can even be with him. I just won't ever be without him. I'll never be whole without him.”

“We drive in silence until I need an answer, "What did he say to you at the elevator?" I look straight ahead when I ask."He thanked me for being there for you, even as a boy, when he could not protect you himself. He told me that I had his permission to love you.”

“They're normal. He's wearing a sweater and a polo and she's got on a blouse. The people who wore sweaters and blouses were the ones you wanted at the orphanage. I always wanted a sweater and a blouse. But they all knew who I was. No one wants that kid. God knows what's already been done to that kid or what they’ll do to the kids already in your house.”

“He's normal and squeaky and responsible. Shell would call him Vanilla. I like Vanilla. You know what you're getting into with it. You can add anything to it. It doesn’t spank you and make you like it.”

“Brandon has a shit-eating grin. I want to make him eat it. I know what's more realistic though. I'm going to get beaten up by a little boy.”

“In the ring Tink." Lance points at me.I sigh, "Lance…uhm…sir. My name is Sarah."He waves me off, "We all have nicknames here. I'll never remember Sarah. But with your hair in that bun, you look like Tinkerbell.”

“I still can't believe you kicked me.""I didn’t want to. I needed to."I glance at him as we leave the dorms, "Keep telling yourself that."He grins his cocky, shitty grin, "Keep telling yourself the paddle doesn’t turn you on."I snort and hate that he knows so much about me. My cheeks are on fire just hearing the word paddle.”

“Did you make the crawl of shame?"I open one eye and smirk, "What?"She pulls back the covers and plucks my t-shirt, "What is this?"I swallow and stretch and moan a little, "My…" I clear my throat, "Uhm...t-shirt."I make duck lips and watch her. She arches her eyebrow and shakes her head, pointing at my shirt and waggling her finger. "Nuh uh. No. I know all your dirty skeezy little orphan clothes and this shit isn’t yours." She bats her eyelashes blankly, "Spill bitch.”

“I laugh nervously and jerk my hand free, "I want the you that tilts his head back and eats the snow. I want the you that holds me and snuggles into me. I want him, but you hardly ever show him to me. I see a glimpse of him and then it's you that’s back." I point disappointedly. "I want the sweet guy who puts his hand out for me."His eyes fight something. His lips tighten, "He's in here too. I think there are a few of us.”

“What are you doing?" He asks looking intimidating.I shrug, "I want pancakes.""I'll make you pancakes."I laugh and turn around to walk backwards, "I don’t want your pancakes. I want normal pancakes. Not head game pancakes. Not maybe I'll make you happy or maybe I'll scare the shit out of you pancakes. You know?”

“He grabs my hands and lifts them up in the air. I grip the railing on the top of the bed."Don’t move those hands," he whispers into my nape. I nod and lick my lips. I'm on my tiptoes. My breath is catching and coming out spurts of rough air. His hands run down my arms. I shiver and pant. His lips brush the back of my neck. He sweeps my hair to one side, kissing down my shoulder blade. Heat and nerves battle low in my belly as his hands grip my hips, pulling me back to him."Don't let go of that railing, Sarah." His words are growled between kisses and licks. I hear the menacing threat in them.”

“He steps back and sits in the chair in the corner. His grin is smug and cocky. He sits with his legs spread, like before."Undress." He watches me.I take a deep breath and pull my shirt off, dropping it to the floor next to my jacket.”

“The door dings. I glance out and realize we are at the foyer again. A lady is standing there looking at us. She's holding a small shivering dog and they both look horrified. I follow her gaze to my shredded panties lying on the floor of the elevator.”

“The image of him standing in the elevator doors, in his silver dress shirt and dark-grey dress pants wiping me off his lips, is the sexiest and most devastating thing I've ever seen.”

“He stops kissing, but his lips stay touching mine, lightly, like a feather would. "I'm bad for you, Sarah. I won't ever be the gentleman you need.""Maybe I don’t want gentle."He pulls something from his dress pants and presses it into my hand. "And that is my fault.”

“I'm breathing out of my mouth and thinking things I have only seen on Netflix in the foreign-movie section.”

“I shake my head, "What can he do he hasn’t already done? What can anyone do to me that hasn’t already be done?" I turn and face her, "I don’t have any walls left, Shell. I'm like a single tree standing in a field for everyone to see. There is nowhere for me to hide.”

“How is he so rich and hot and normal?"I shake my head, "He's rich and hot, but he's not normal. I see a sickness in his eyes. They're broken like mine. Like a mirror with cracks in it but none of the glass has fallen out of the frame.”

“The dark is a quiet place. Reflection and contemplation are the only things to do in it. Well that, and imagine the worst things possible.I don’t have to reflect or contemplate or any of those things. I know what the worst things possible are. I know about the things that hide in the dark. Insanity is the least of them.”

“He steps forward and kisses my forehead. His breath is soft, devastating warmth on my face. He turns and leaves. He chooses survival over me. It's no different than what I have done. We are both just trying so hard to survive me.”

“He smiles and the world is okay. It feels like it grew a tiny bit. Like I let him into the small corner where I live. He grabs my hand, squeezing it and kisses the top of it, "Now stop trying to scare me off with talks of having kids and area rugs and shit. I'm not going anywhere.”

“I needed to see you." He repeats himself.I smile. I like that word, need. It's not want. He had no choice because it was a need to see me. I like that.”

“He clears his throat, "Have you considered he sees you as a girl at school? Not all girls are whole when you meet them. Sometimes you have to help them get there. Right now, you are a broken girl. That doesn’t mean that you'll always be broken. That doesn’t make you less of a girl." He clears his throat again, "I'll call the doc. She'll want to talk to you."The tears in my eyes don’t come out. They stay in there like tiny kaleidoscopes, trying to make the world the way I need it to be. My words don’t come right away either. I don’t hear the click on his end when I whisper, "I'm not broken." But he isn’t there. He never really is. He is the master of not being there.”

“Your negative actions will always speak over top of your kind words and only fools listen where the wise watch.”

“Her name is Muriel. I've never heard the name before and I'm afraid she is going to die in the crossfire and I will never hear the name again.She is twenty-three and has a sister in the breeder farms. She got taken on the way to the towns.”

“The tearing of the clothes haunted me in the beginning. The infected tore flesh and the others tore clothes and the sound could swallow you up.Now I see the greenery and listen to the sounds of the forest, and know I am safe. The forest is my friend. It was a tense relationship in the beginning, but it has earned my trust over time.”

“I close the door and click the lock. My stomach sinks. I know I'm in for the fight of my life.She is bait. If ever I've seen bait, she is it.”

“I can't help but laugh inside at how I still felt safer leaving through the backdoor, even though there is no front or back. There are only doors. They don't go anywhere anymore, because there is no direction.Nothing goes anywhere.”

“The world sits quiet, as if sighing and taking a long inhale after what seemed like forever with mankind and the noise pollution.”

“Sometimes the scariest things in life aren’t the Vampires and the Werewolves, sometimes there are things even God doesn’t want to know about. Which is why he created the Devil's Roses.”

“Vikings don't have faults, they have clubs.”