Tom Upton

“It wasn’t human nature to leave things alone. It was normal for people to try to fix things that didn’t need to be fixed; or, infinitely worse, trying to fix things that were broken, because some things are meant to be broken--”

“Maybe anything that anybody ever has is for now. What happened before is gone, and what will happen later is an illusion.”

“If everything is perfect, nobody has to say a word.”

“Some people are born to weirdness,” Jerry said, “and others have weirdness thrust upon them.”

“Apparently I couldn’t even pretend to be normal.”

“I figured it is always better to be unpopular by your own choice.”

“You have to figure that there is something seriously wrong with somebody who wants to enter a profession that deals with whether people are screwing enough. Dealing with spirits, spooks, and demons almost seemed normal.”

“All I did was offer to kill your dog, and the next thing I know I’m being judged.”

“Librarians are notorious snitches—don’t let anybody convince you otherwise.”

“You know, my main goal in life is trying not to end up in a straightjacket.”

“I have never been reduced to begging somebody to leave me alone, but in your case I’ll make an exception.”

“UNDERTAKER!” the head boomed. “BOY, DO I HAVE A JOB FOR YOU!”

“Poor kid-- all she’d wanted to do was get her teeth fixed. ”

“ "Well-- I don’t know-- the cops might not respond too well to you looking through their windows with a telescope."”

“Do you realize how hard it is to keep your mind clear when somebody’s telling you to keep your mind clear?”

“I just love things that serve a duel purpose.”

“I really should come with a warning label.”

“...It’s pretty simple, really: having fun can only led to having more fun-- it cannot led to injury, pain, or dismemberment.”

“We’re here to take over the world-- that’s why we’re starting here in Hamilton, Indiana-- the nerve center of the entire planet.”

“If you just go with the flow, no matter what weird things happen along the way, you always end up exactly where you belong.”

“I’ve always found wildlife very calming-- except when animals are eating each other, of course.”

“It was at this time that I formed one of my own insights: it was strange how intelligent people, like Raffles, without being asked, freely spout off their insights and actually expect less intelligent people, like me, to be interested.”

“Every time there was an unspoken promise that this would be the last time, but it would only be the last time until the next time.”

“An idiot will do anything, no matter how stupid, because he is afraid of what everybody will think of him if he does nothing. A genius, on the other hand, is content to do nothing, no matter what people think, if he can’t find anything worth doing.”

“Never believe what they say; they always lie. I have a saying: Whatever they say, do the opposite, and you’ll never go wrong.”

“It is not easy being trapped in a school that is caught between cornfields and cows.”

“Other than the voices in my head, I think I’m pretty normal.”

“...Life is much simpler if you don’t notice anything....”

“I don’t believe it! You’re still interested in the girl, despite the fact that she might be some kind of alien. Does this sickness of yours have any bounds?”

“Who in their right mind counts the tiles on the floor when they go visiting a neighbor?”