Tommy Cooper

“I belong to the secret six. It's so secret I don't even know the other five.”

“Two blondes walk into a building.You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.”

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.”

“A man walks into a bar, and he said OUCH, cause it was an iron bar.”

“I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already.”

“spoon, jar, jar jar spoon”

“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”

“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.”

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”