Warsan Shire

“I’m not sad, but the boys who are looking for sad girls always find me. I’m not a girl anymore and I’m not sad anymore. You want me to be a tragic backdrop so that you can appear to be illuminated, so that people can say ‘Wow, isn't he so terribly brave to love a girl who is so obviously sad?’ You think I’ll be the dark sky so you can be the star? I’ll swallow you whole.”

“You think I’ll be the dark sky so you can be the star? I’ll swallow you whole.”

“On the night of our secret wedding when he held me in his mouth like a promise until his tongue grew tired and fell asleep, I lay awake to keep the memory alive. In the morning I begged him back to bed. Running late, he kissed my ankles and left. I stayed like a secret in his bed for days until his mother found me. I showed her my gold ring, I stood in front of her naked, waved my hands in her face. She sank to the floor and cried. At his funeral, no one knew my name. I sat behind his aunts, they sucked on dates soaked in oil. The last thing he tasted was me.”

“You want me to be a tragic backdrop so that you can appear to be illuminated, so that people can say ‘Wow, isn’t he so terribly brave to love a girl who is so obviously sad?’ You think I’ll be the dark sky so you can be the star? I’ll swallow you whole.”

“I belong deeply to myself.”

“you can't make homes out of human beingssomeone should have already told you that”

“My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude.”

“all those nights with the phone warming the side of my face like the sun.”

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.”

“if you gave me half a moon of a chancei wouldkiss the incisors out of your mouth, cleanand hold them in my own, like chippings from an old mugthenpray my tongue intoa bowl of holy waterand ask god to neverleave you thirsty.”

“for the fifth time this monthyou say you’re going to leave himhe calls you a cunt over the phonethen walks the three miles to your houseand kisses your mouth until the word is justa place on your body.i don’t know what brings broken people togethermaybe damage seeks out damagethe way stains on a mattress halo into one anotherthe way stains on a mattress bleed into each other.”

“i gut fruit with my mouthpush tongue into black belly of papayapeel lychee with teethbite into ripe pearsuck on stone of mangoall of this, over the kitchen sinkbarefootmiddle of wintersticky hands pushing hair away from facemoaning into sweet fleshthe whole timeyour name flat against the roof of my mouth.”

“the year of letting go, of understanding loss. grace. of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. the year of humanity/humility. when the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. everyone i’ve met this year, says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. the year i broke open and dug out all the rot with own hands. the year i learnt small talk. and how to smile at strangers. the year i understood that i am my best when i reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. the year of sugar, everywhere. softness. sweetness. honey honey. the year of being alone, and learning how much i like it. the year of hugging people i don’t know, because i want to know them. the year i made peace and love, right here.”

“every mouth you’ve ever kissedwas just practiceall the bodies you’ve ever undressedand ploughed in towere preparing you for me.i don’t mind tasting them in the memory of your mouththey were a long hall waya door half opena single suit case still on the conveyor beltwas it a long journey?did it take you long to find me?you’re here now,welcome home.”

“i learn urgentlythe architecture of lossthen find you again.”

“two people who were once very close canwithout blameor grand betrayalbecome strangers.perhaps this is the saddest thing in the world.”

“make lovelike you have nosecretslike you’venever been left never been hurtlike the worlddon’t owe you a singlewretchedthing.”

“i give myself five days to forget you.on the first day i rust.on the second i wilt.on the third day i sit with friends but i think about your tongue.i clean my room on the fourth day. i clean my body on the fourth day.i try to replace your scent on the fourth day. the fifth day, i adorn myself like the mouth of an inmate.a wedding singer dressed in borrowed gold.the midas of cheap metal.tinsel in the middle of summer.crevice glitter, two days after the party.i glow the way unwanted things do,a neon sign that reads;come, i still taste like someone else’s mouth.”

“your mouth is a lonely place but i keep coming back.”

“you were like an ulcer on the inside of my cheek that my tongue could not stop touching.loving you was like watching a stranger clean a week old wound; i felt sick, but i wanted more.”

“you are a horse running aloneand he tries to tame youcompares you to an impossible highwayto a burning housesays you are blinding himthat he could never leave youforget youwant anything but youyou dizzy him, you are unbearableevery woman before or after youis doused in your nameyou fill his mouthhis teeth ache with memory of tastehis body just a long shadow seeking yoursbut you are always too intensefrightening in the way you want himunashamed and sacrificialhe tells you that no man can live up to the one wholives in your headand you tried to change didn't you?closed your mouth moretried to be softerprettierless volatile, less awakebut even when sleeping you could feelhim travelling away from you in his dreamsso what did you want to do lovesplit his head open?you can't make homes out of human beingssomeone should have already told you thatand if he wants to leavethen let him leaveyou are terrifyingand strange and beautifulsomething not everyone knows how to love.”

“how far have you walked for men who’ve never held your feet in their laps?how often have you bartered with bone, only to sell yourself short?why do you find the unavailable so alluring?where did it begin? what went wrong? and who made you feel so worthless?if they wanted you, wouldn’t they have chosen you?all this time, you were begging for love silently, thinking they couldn’t hear you, but they smelt it on you, you must have known that they could taste the desperate on your skin?and what about the others that would do anything for you, why did you make them love you until you could not stand it?how are you both of these women, both flighty and needful?where did you learn this, to want what does not want you?where did you learn this, to leave those that want to stay?”

“you must wear it like she wears disappointment on her faceyou must hide the surprise of tasting other men on your lipsyour mother is a woman and women like her cannot be contained.you find the black tube inside her beauty case, where she keepsyour fathers old prison letters,you desperately want to look like herfilm star beauty, you hold your hand against your throatyour mother was most beautiful when sprawled out on the floorhalf naked and bleeding.you go to the bathroom to apply the lipstick,somewhere no one can find youyour teeth look brittle against the deep red slicknessyou smile like an infant, your mouth is a woundyou look nothing like your motheryou look everything like your mother.you call your ex boyfriend, sit on the toilet seat and listen tothe phone ring, when he picks up you say his name slowhe says i thought i told you to stop calling meyou lick your lips, you taste like years of being alone.”

“We blame you for floodsfor the flush of bloodfor men who are also wolvesand even though you could pullthe tide in by its hairwe tell people that we walked allover youwe blame you for the nightfor the darkfor the ghostsyou cold unimaginable thingfollowing us home,we use youto see each others frailnaked bodies beneath your blue light,we let you watch; youswollen against the glassbreath a halo of steamas we move against one anotherwet and desperatelike fish undera waterlogged sky.”

“i don't know when love became elusivewhat i know, is that no one i know has itmy fathers arms around my mothers neckfruit too ripe to eat, a door half way openwhen your name is a just a hand i can never holdeverything i have ever believed in, becomes magic.i think of lovers as trees, growing to andfrom one another searching for the same light,my mothers laughter in a dark room,a photograph greying under my touch,this is all i know how to do, carry loss around untili begin to resemble every bad memory,every terrible fear,every nightmare anyone has ever had.i ask did you ever love me?you say of course, of course so quicklythat you sound like someone elsei ask are you made of steel? are you made of iron?you cry on the phone, my stomach hurtsi let you leave, i need someone who knows how to stay.”

“You are terrifying and strange and beautiful, someone not everyone knows how to love.”

“give your daughters difficult names. give your daughters names that command the full use of tongue. my name makes you want to tell me the truth. my name doesn’t allow me to trust anyone that cannot pronounce it right.”

“With you, intimacy colours my voice.even ‘hello’ sounds like ‘come here'.”