Woody Allen

“Muerte (Una comedia)KLEINMAN: ¿Vas... vas a matarme?MANIACO: Naturalmente. Es mi especialidad.KLEINMAN: Estás... estás loco.MANIACO: Claro que estoy loco. ¿Crees que una persona cuerta andaría por ahí matando gente? Y no robo a nadie. Es la verdad. Jamás me he llevado un centavo de una sola víctima. Ni si quiera un peine de bolsillo.KLEINMAN: ¿Por qué lo haces entonces?MANIACO: ¿Por qué? Porque, estoy loco.KLEINMAN: Pero pareces una persona normal.MANIACO: No te fíes de la apariencia física. Soy un maniaco.KLEINMAN: Ya, pero yo me esperaba una silueta alta, negra, amenazadora...MANIACO: Esto no es una película, Kleinman. Soy un hombre como tú. ¿Qué quieres que tenga, colmillos?”

“Muerte (Una comedia)Tienen que comprender que yo no puedo competir con un asesino demente. Un maniaco tiene la fuerza de diez hombres y yo tengo la fuerza de medio...A menos que me estén utilizando como señuelo”

“Muerte (Una comedia)KLEINMAN: ¡Oh, no, no pienso quedarme aquí solo! ¡Estás de broma! ¡Hay un loco suelto por ahí! ¡Yo no me entiendo bien con los locos! Soy un individuo muy lógico.AL: El plan no permite que estemos juntos.KLEINMAN: Mira, no hagamos de esto un idilio. No tenemos que estar juntos nosotros. Con doce hombres fuertes cualesquiera me conformo.”

“Muerte (Una comedia)Anna: Mientras no se trate de algo agradable, ningún momento es el adecuado”

“La puta de MensaMire, Kaiser, soy fundamentalmente un intelectual. Uno se puede buscar todas las furcias que quiera, claro. Pero mujeres inteligentes de verdad...no resultan fáciles de encontrar a corto plazo.”

“Los personajes femeninos de Lovborg: una evaluaciónDORF: Oh, Netta. ¡Todo está perdido! ¡Perdido!NETTA: Para un hombre pusilánime, tal vez, pero no para un hombre que tenga...valor.”

“Los pergaminos Normas y ProverbiosLos malvados de corazón probablemente sabrán algo”

“I read in self-defense.”

“Anything worth knowing cannot be understood by the human mind.”

“Creo que la vida tiene sentido y que todas las personas, ricas y pobres, morarán al final en la ciudad de Dios. Porque, desde luego, Manhattan se está volviendo inhabitable.”

“Aunque sigue siendo discutible que la pena de muerte sirva como disuasorio, los estudios demuestran que la probabilidad de que los criminales reincidan se reduce casi a la mitad después de la ejecución.”

“Desde el punto de vista epistemológico, hacer dieta es discutible. Si todo lo que existe está sólo en mi cabeza, no sólo puedo pedir cualquier cosa en un restaurante, sino que también puedo exigir que el servicio sea impecable. El hombre es el único ser capaz de no dejar propina al camarero.”

“In perpetrating a revolution, there are two requirements: someone or something to revolt against and someone to actually show up and do the revolting. Dress is usually casual and both parties may be flexible about time and place, but if either faction fails to attend, the whole enterprise is likely to come off badly.”

“It was great seeing Annie again. I realised what a terrific person she was and how fun it was just knowing her. And I thought of that old joke, you know. The guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." and the doctor says, "well, why don't you turn him in?" and the guy says, "I would, but o need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and, but, err, I guess we keep going through it because most of us need the eggs.”

“You know how you're always trying to get things to come out perfect in art because it's real difficult in life”

“Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?”

“The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.”

“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.”

“But it was I, yes I, who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!”

“No, thanks. I already own a penguin.”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot”

“The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

“I foresee death by culture shock.”

“Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively… But it wasn’t just intellectual experiences. They were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could ‘relate without getting close.’ For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack.”

“It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

“Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.”

“I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.”

“I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.”

“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

“I broke up with this girl, and they put me with a psychiatrist who said, 'Why did you get so depressed, and do all those things you did?' I said, 'I wanted this girl and she left me.'And he said,'Well, we have to look into that.'And I said, 'There's nothing to look into! I wanted her and she left me.' And he said, 'Well, why are you feeling so intense?'And I said, 'Cause I want the girl!' And he said, 'What's underneath it?' And I said, 'Nothing!'He said, 'I'll have to give you medication.'I said, 'I don't want medication! I want the girl!'And he said, 'We have to work this through.'So, I took a fire extinguisher from the casement and struck him across the back of his neck. And before I knew it, guys from Con Ed had jumper cables in my head and the rest was...”

“The most beautiful words in the English language are not 'I love you', but 'It's benign'.”

“Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.”

“The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.”

“I was in bed at my beach house, but could not sleep because of some fried chicken in the icebox that I felt entitled to. I waited till my wife dropped off, and tiptoed into the kitchen. I remembered looking at the clock. It was precisely four-fifteen. I'm quite certain of this, because our kitchen clock has not worked in twenty-one years and is always at that time. I also noticed that our dog, Judas, was acting funny. He was sanding up on his hind legs and singing, 'I Enjoy Being a Girl.' Suddenly the room turned bright orange. At first, I thought my wife had caught me eating between meals and set fire to the house. Then I looked out the window, where to my amazement I saw a gigantic cigar-shaped aircraft hovering just over the treetops in the yard and emitting an orange glow. I stood transfixed for what must have been several hours, though our clock still read four-fifteen, so it was difficult to tell. Finally, a large, mechanical claw extended from the aircraft and snatched the two pieces of chicken from my hand and quickly retreated. When I reported the incident to the Air Force, they told me that what I had seen was a flock of birds. When I protested, Colonel Quincy Bascomb personally promised that the Air Force would return the two pieces of chicken. To this day, I have only received one piece.”

“What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.”

“أريد أن أعيش في حياتي المقبلة "رجوعاً إلى الخلف" . حيث تبدأ ميتاً ، فتزيح الموت من الطريق ، ثم تستيقظ في دار للمسنين وتشعر أنك تصبح أفضل كل يوم. ثم يطردونك من دار المسنين لكونك قد أصبحت في صحة تامة ، فتذهب لجمع راتبك التقاعدي ،ومن ثم عند بدء العمل ، يهدونك ساعة ذهبية ويقيمون لك حفلة في اليوم الأول . تستمر في العمل لمدة أربعين عاما حتى تصبح شابا بما يكفي لتتمتع بتقاعدك . تذهب إلى الحفلات ، وتشرب الخمر ، وتصير - على وجه العموم - منحلاً ، ثم تصير على استعداد للإلتحاق بالمدارس الثانوية. ثم تنتقل إلى المدرسة الابتدائية ،ثم تصبح طفلا ، تلعب. الآن لا يوجد لديك مسؤوليات ، وتصبح طفلا رضيعاً إلى أن تأتي لحظة ولادتك ، وبعد ذلك تقضي آخر تسعة أشهر من حياتك عائماً في ظروف شبيهة بالمنتجعات الفاخرة ، مستفيداً من التدفئة المركزية وخدمة الغرف ،ويقل حجمك أرباعاً كل يوم ومن ثم ............ فوالاااااااا تنتهي حياتك كهزة جماع”

“You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.”

“I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”

“There's nothing like the discovery of an unknown work by a great thinker to set the intellectual community atwitter and cause academics to dart about like those things one sees when looking at a drop of water under a microscope.”

“Seja como for, as pessoas dedicadas à religião não querem reconhecer a realidade que contradiz o seu conto de fadas. Se realmente vivermos num universo sem Deus, elas perdem o emprego. O fluxo de dinheiro estagna.Por outro lado, há pessoas que escolhem viver a sua vida de uma forma completamente egocêntrica e homicida. Essas sentem que, se nada importa e elas podem fazer o que querem sem sofrer consequeências, vão fazê-lo. Mas também podemos ver as coisas de outra maneira: estamos nós e os outros todos, vivos e num barco salva-vidas, e temos de fazer as coisas da maneira mais decente possível para nós e para eles. A mim parece-me que esta seria uma forma de viver muito mais morale "cristã": reconhecermos a terrível verdade da existência humana e, perante isso, ainda escolhermos ser humanos decentes em vez de nos iludirmos sobre a existência de uma qualquer recompensa paradisíaca ou um qualquer castigo infernal. Parecia-me uma atitude muito mais nobre. Se há recompensa, castigo ou qualquer tipo de pagamento e agimos bem, então não estamos a fazer por razões muito nobres - os chamados princípios cristãos. É como os bombistas suicidas que agem alegadamente de acordo com princípios religiosos ou nacionais bastante nobres quando, na verdade, as suas famílias recebem uma recompensa em dinheiro e congratulam-se com um legado heróico - já para não falar da promessa de virgens para os perpetradores, embora me passe completamente ao lado como é que alguém prefere um grupo de virgens a uma mulher altamente experiente.”

“Las cosas no se dicen, se hacen, porque al hacerse se dicen solas!.”

“Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

“We laughed over it, and Hemingway punched me in the mouth.”

“All men fear death. It’s a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven’t loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same. However, when you make love with a truly great woman, one that deserves the utmost respect in this world and one that makes you feel truly powerful, that fear of death completely disappears. Because when you are sharing your body and heart with a great woman the world fades away. You two are the only ones in the entire universe. You conquer what most lesser men have never conquered before, you have conquered a great woman’s heart, the most vulnerable thing she can offer to another. Death no longer lingers in the mind. Fear no longer clouds your heart. Only passion for living, and for loving, become your sole reality. This is no easy task for it takes insurmountable courage. But remember this, for that moment when you are making love with a woman of true greatness you will feel immortal.I believe that love that is true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well, which is the same thing. And when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte, who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds. Until it returns, as it does to all men. And then you must make really good love again. Think about it.”

“Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.”

“The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.”

“Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.”