100 Quotes By Ilona Andrews

Ilona Andrews, the dynamic husband-and-wife writing duo, has enchanted readers around the globe with their spellbinding urban fantasy novels. Known for their compelling characters, intricate storylines, and sharp wit, their work offers a treasure trove of memorable quotes that resonate with fans. Whether it's a clever quip from Kate Daniels, an inspiring observation from the Innkeeper Chronicles, or the fast-paced humor of the Hidden Legacy series, each quote embodies the essence of their storytelling magic. Dive into this curated collection of the top 100 quotes by Ilona Andrews and rediscover the moments that captivated your imagination and stirred your soul.

1. “Oh my God, she was retarded and I was going to kill Jim.” - Ilona Andrews

2. “I glanced at Derek. The boy wonder didn't melt into a pile of goo, although his gaze was glued to Rowena's chest. Avoiding eye contact. Good strategy.” - Ilona Andrews

3. “I flexed my wrist, popped a silver needle into my palm, and offered it to him.'What's this?''A needle.''What should I do with it?'He'd walked right into it. Too easy. 'Please use it to pop your head. It's obscuring my view of the room.'- Kate & Saiman” - Ilona Andrews

4. “I've never seen such a collection of idiots in my whole life.' Doolittle shook his head. 'If you participate in this lunacy, y'all will get yourselves killed. Then don't come crying to me.'Now that would be a neat trick.” - Ilona Andrews

5. “If the lot of you survives, Curran will flay the skin off your backs," Doolittle said."That's what I always love about you, Doctor." Raphael grinned. "You're a cup-halfway-full kind of guy. All flowers and sunshine.” - Ilona Andrews

6. “Georgie, stop trying to resurrect the shoes. They were never alive in the first place.” - Ilona Andrews

7. “I had to give it him, to flatter and insult a woman in one propostition took talent.” - Ilona Andrews

8. “In there?'She nodded.'You want us to go into the tortoise?'Another nod.'It's alive.'Another nod.” - Ilona Andrews

9. “Nice plan. Take the gullible outsiders, walk them around for a bit, then feed them to the giant tortoise.” - Ilona Andrews

10. “You know," she said, stirring her tea, "the fastest way to get him off your back is to sleep with him. And tell him you love him. Preferably while in bed."I smirked and the tea almost came out of my nose. "He'd run like he was on fire.” - Ilona Andrews

11. “If you don't explain it all to me, I might strangle somebody." Of course, Raphael might like that...” - Ilona Andrews

12. “The Oracle rose. As one, the three witches bowed."See?" Bran jerked his thumb at the three women. "That's how a woman should treat a man. Next time you see me, I want you to do just like them.” - Ilona Andrews

13. “The decorator of Las Colimas must have been a great admirer of both early Aztec and late Taco Bell architectural styles.” - Ilona Andrews

14. “When life backs you into a corner and offers you no escape, when your friends, your lover, and your family abandon you, when you're at the end of your rope, panicked, alone, and losing your mind, you know you'd give anything to make your problems go away. Then, desperate and eager, you will come to Unicorn Lane, seeking salvation in its magics and secrets. You'll do anything, pay any price. Unicorn Lane will take you in, shroud you in its power, fix your problems, and exact its price. And then you will learn what 'anything' really means.” - Ilona Andrews

15. “On the other hand it was bad manners to look a gift horse in the mouth. Even if you're getting it from an overweight cracker in a fringe shirt.” - Ilona Andrews

16. “You know anything about investigative work?""Sure. Annoy the people involved until the guilt party tries to make you go away.” - Ilona Andrews

17. “I thought of telling him that if it wasn't for Oklahoman cowboys and Mexican whores having a bit of fun, there would've been no Texans, but that would be counterproductive.” - Ilona Andrews

18. “Finally, thank you very much to Jeaniene Frost and Jill Myles. This book does have sex in it. Please don't hit me anymore."~Ilona Andrews in the Acknowledgements section of Magic Bleeds” - Ilona Andrews

19. “He'd laugh in my face, then I'd slice him to ribbons and then he'd break my neck” - Ilona Andrews

20. “Any messages for me?" Usually I got one or two, but mostly people who wanted my help preferred to talk in person."Yes. Hold on." She pulled out a handful of pink tickets and recited from memory, without checking the paper. "Seven forty-two a.m., Mr. Gasparian: I curse you. I curse your arms so they wither and die and fall off your body. I curse your eyeballs to explode. I curse your feet to swell until blue. I curse your spine to crack. I curse you. I curse you. I curse you.” - Ilona Andrews

21. “The vampire leaned forward, tapping a scimitar claw. "Is that a lion with horns and a pitchfork?""Yep.""Is he carrying a moon on his pitchfork?""No, it's a pie.” - Ilona Andrews

22. “I paused with the pen in my hand. "He burst into flames?""He became engulfed in fire.""Was his buddy made out of orange rocks and at any point yell, 'It's clobbering time'?” - Ilona Andrews

23. “Juke glanced into her cup before tipping it down to her mouth. "Screw you!""Now come on, sugar, you know I don't swing that way.""Whatever!” - Ilona Andrews

24. “I'll call you," he repeated."If you call me, I won't pick up the phone.""You will wait by the phone for my call, and when it rings, you will pick it up and you will speak to me in a civil manner. If you don't know how, ask someone.” - Ilona Andrews

25. “When I'm with him, I can feel myself getting better. It's like he's picking up broken pieces of me and putting me back together, and I don't even know he's doing it. We never talk about it. We don't go to therapy. He just loves me and that's enough.” - Ilona Andrews

26. “I know you'll tell me to fuck off, but I think Curran loves you. Truly loves you. And I think you love him, Kate. That's rare. Think about it--if he really stood you up, why would he be so pissed off about the whole thing? You both can be assholes of the first order, so don't let the two of you throw it away. If you're going to walk away from it, at least walk away knowing the whole picture.""You're right. Fuck off. I don't need him," I told her.” - Ilona Andrews

27. “I also stole a small yellow doughnut from the box of Duncan's doughnuts in the rec room and fed it to the attack poodle in my office. He made a great production of it. First, he growled at the doughnut, just to show it who was boss. Then he nudged it with his nose. Then he licked it, until finally he snagged it into his mouth and chomped it with great pleasure, dropping crumbs all over the carpet.” - Ilona Andrews

28. “Some people got vicious Dobermans. I got a shaved attack poodle in a black sweater. His tough, spawn-of-hell image had taken a fatal blow, but at least he would be warm.” - Ilona Andrews

29. “Well, check this out. Mine is bigger.” - Ilona Andrews

30. “I've read your summary.""And?""It's not incompetent."Be still, my heart, so I don't faint from such faint phrase. "Did you expect it to be written in crayon?” - Ilona Andrews

31. “It's a party house.""I hope for your sake it's a very tame party." If he brought me to some sort of sex orgy, he would fly right through one of those pretty windows, headfirst.” - Ilona Andrews

32. “Next to me, Saiman smiled. "We all want what we can't have, Kate. I want you, you want love, and he wants to break my neck.” - Ilona Andrews

33. “And you expect me to commute two hours each way from the Keep to the Order." I kept my voice mild. "I suppose I won't be needing my job, my house, or my clothes anymore.""I didn't say that. Although let me get back to you on the clothes. It's still under consideration.” - Ilona Andrews

34. “ Dear rabbis, I'm so sorry, I nuked your circle dude. Here is his head as a souvenir. Yeah, that would fly.” - Ilona Andrews

35. “Hold your horses. I'm coming."..."From where I'm standing you're just breathing laboriously."The snow swam out of focus. "Breathing hard. Are you coming or just breathing hard. You've got to get your one-liners straight.” - Ilona Andrews

36. “...they tended towards the simple pleasures in life: drinking, whoring and fighting, preferably all three at once.” - Ilona Andrews

37. “Im's offspring stare at stars and make clocks that calculate useless happenings like the angle of a hawk's claws as it strikes its prey. They demonstrate their contraptions and everyone marvels. My children get drunk, confuse a herd of cows with an enemy regiment, and slaughter the lot, screaming like lunatics until the entire army panics.” - Ilona Andrews

38. “Getting a lecture on restraint from the woman who threw a hissy fit and blew up Babylon.” - Ilona Andrews

39. “When you want to take over a city, you have to destroy the illusion of safety it provides. You have to hit the large well-protected establishments, find the powerful people who run them and are viewed as invincible, and kill them. You want to destroy the morale first. Once the people's resolve is gone and everyone is scared for their own skin, the city is yours.” - Ilona Andrews

40. “You'll lose.""What makes you so sure?""You have no discipline. All you do is tear down shit down. My father is a bastard, but at least he builds things. You turn cities into smoking ruins and blunder about like some hyper child, smashing anything you see. And then you sit here and wonder, 'Why did all of my children turn out to be violet idiots? It's a mystery of nature,'.” - Ilona Andrews

41. “I know it may come as a shock, but it's sort of considered polite to wait for the consent of the woman. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if you don't wait, you may have to deal with pesky criminal charges like kidnapping and rape.” - Ilona Andrews

42. “ Hi, Your Majesty, we drugged your love muffin and then let her walk out into the dark, in the snow. Her apartment is destroyed and we're not sure where she is...” - Ilona Andrews

43. “Torch strode over and stared at the fiver"What's this?""Some change for you. Buy your flunkies some decent clothes." I dipped my fingers into the jar and smeared think fragrant paste on my face. Torch frowned, mirroring the expression on my aunt's face."Change?"Oh, for crying out loud. "It's money. We don't use coins as currency now, we use paper money." He stared at me. "I'm insulting you! I'm saying your poor, like a beggar, because your undead are in rags. I'm offering to clothe your servants for you, because you can't provide for them. Come on, how thick do you have to be?"He jerked his hand up. A jet of flame erupted from his fingers, sliding against the ward. I jerked back from the windows on instinct. The fire died. I leaned forward. "Do you understand now?" More fire. "What's the matter? Was that not enough money?” - Ilona Andrews

44. “Kate Daniels, deadly swordmaster. Fear my twitching pinkie.” - Ilona Andrews

45. “Tiny gold sparks flared in his irises. "You're in my rooms in my bathtub naked and you're still mouthing off."Did he expect anything different? "Hey, I didn't kick or punch you in the throat. I consider this progress. And you haven't choked me again, which is some sort of record for you...” - Ilona Andrews

46. “I'm counting to ten in my head.""Is it helping?""No.""It doesn't help me with you either. I used to life weights to alleviate frustration, but someone blowtorched my weight bench. How did you do it, by the way?""I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you.” - Ilona Andrews

47. “Rose pictured him standing at the boundary of the Ogletree house in that enormous fur cape, with a giant sword sticking over his shoulder, roaring at the top of his lungs and then being upset that nobody came out, and laughed.” - Ilona Andrews

48. “Our standard rate. A doubloon a day."It was generous. More than generous--some families would put him up for a week for a single coin."Half a doubloon a day," she said."No, you see, the idea behind bargaining is that you ask for a larger amount.” - Ilona Andrews

49. “Grandpa?" Declan raised his eyebrows."We keep him in the shed out back," Jack said helpfully. "So he doesn't eat dog brains.” - Ilona Andrews

50. “How are you?""Perfectly fine," he said."Are your ribs broken?""Probably not. Cracked at most. We fought very carefully.""Did this settle anything?""It made me feel better," he said, sitting up. "Did you see me kick him in the kidneys?""I saw.” - Ilona Andrews

51. “It became known that I had a rather fertile imagination, when it came to private activities."She stared. "What sort of private activities?"This time he did smile, and it turned his face wicked. "Disrobe, and I'll be happy to demonstrate.” - Ilona Andrews

52. “So, regarding that tidbit about your having a fertile imagination when it comes to private activities," she said, fighting off anxiety. "Was it another lie?""Depends on how you look at it. It's not exactly a lie, and if you come with me to the Weird, you'll find that rumors of my 'creativity' when it comes to bed games with the opposite sex do exist. I started them myself and managed them very carefully. The trick with rumors is to feed them once in a while, so they don't die.” - Ilona Andrews

53. “ I'll be busy for the next eight weeks, so let's set this for November 15th.MENUI want lamb or venison steak. Baked potatoes with honey butter. Corn on the cob. Rolls. And apple pie, like the one you made before. I really liked it. I want it with ice cream.You owe me one naked dinner, but I'm not a complete beast, so you can wear a bra and panties if you so wish. The blue ones with the bow will do.Curran,Beast Lord of Atlanta” - Ilona Andrews

54. “Aha," Andrea said. "I'm going to ignore that you just referred to yourself as 'sugar woogums'.” - Ilona Andrews

55. “Rene, you want us to find you-don't-know-who and to retrieve his you-don't-know-what for you-won't-tell-me-whom?” - Ilona Andrews

56. “Unfortunately, the Best Lord had condemned both vehicles as unsafe and instead I now leased a Pack Jeep I called Hector. Equipped with dual engines, Hector worked during magic or tech. He didn't go very fast, especially during magic, but so far he hadn't stalled on me either. As long as our high-speed chases stayed under forty-five miles an hour, we would be all set.” - Ilona Andrews

57. “Two hours. More than enough time to kidnap a man. Or to slice his throat, bury him in the forest, and steal his magic project. How the hell did de Harven fit into it? Did he surprise the thieves? Of course, Adam Kamen could've killed his uber-bodyguard and bolted with the goods. Because he was secretly a ninja, adept at mortal combat and vanishing into thin air. Yes, that was it. Case solved.” - Ilona Andrews

58. “I looked at him. "You really need to work on your threats. I can't tell if you're threatening me or inviting me for tea.” - Ilona Andrews

59. “Shane lowered his glasses on his nose and gave me his version of a severe stare.I leaned a little toward Luther. "Is this the part where I faint in fear?"Luther bit his lip. "He might also accept falling to your knees and holding your hands in humble supplication. Makes it easier for him to slap the cuffs on.” - Ilona Andrews

60. “I know it's late, but could you find a book for me? It's called The Slavs: Study of Pagan Tradition by Osvintsev."Barabas sighed dramatically. "Kate, you make me despair. Let's try that again from the top, except this time pretend you are an alpha.""I don't need a lecture. I just need the book.""Much better. Little more growl in the voice?""Barabas!""And we're there. Congratulations!” - Ilona Andrews

61. “Kid 1: *examining my gorgeous strawberry and blueberry pies*: Wow, Mom, your pies don’t look awful this time.Me (Ilona): ...~A little later~Kid 2: *wandering into the kitchen*Kid 1: Hey, you’ve got to see these pies. *opening the stove*Kid 2: Wow. They are not ugly this time.Kid 1: I know, right?” - Ilona Andrews

62. “They had picked up Julie's scent hit wolfsbane lost her and found her trail again at the crumbling Highway 23 except it was two hours old and mixed with horse scents. She was hitchhiking. Great. Awesome. At least she always carried a knife with her. When I relayed this to Curran he shrugged and said, "If she kills anybody we'll make it go away.” - Ilona Andrews

63. “They really kicked me out?" "Refunded the tuition and everything." Julie blinked a couple of times coming to grips with this tidbit. "So what happens now?" "I expect you'll be a bum. Homeless and jobless begging on the street for a crust of bread..." "Kate." "Oh, alright, I suppose if you come by the office once in a while I'll give you a sandwich. You can squat in the office on the floor when it gets too cold outside. We can even get you a little blanket to lie on...” - Ilona Andrews

64. “I hit him on the back of the neck. He submerged. Help. I've drowned the Beast Lord.” - Ilona Andrews

65. “He had the prettiest hair she had ever seen on a man: dark brown, almost black, and soft like sable, it fell down to his shoulders. She wondered what he'd do if she threw some mud in it. Probably kill her.” - Ilona Andrews

66. “A forest," William said, his expression distant. "Where the ground is dry soil and stone. Where tall trees grow and centuries of autumn carpet their roots. Where the wind smells of game and wildflowers.""Why, that was lovely, Lord Bill. Do you ever write poetry? Something for your blueblood lady?""No.""She doesn't like poetry?""Leave it."Hehe. "Oh, so you have a lady. How interes--” - Ilona Andrews

67. “You say the sweetest things. And that spaghetti perfume you're wearing is to die for. No hobo could resist."She snarled. Heh.” - Ilona Andrews

68. “Failure happened. The trick was to accept the risk and try anyway.” - Ilona Andrews

69. “She surveyed the carnage behind him. "Did you have fun?"He showed her his teeth. "Yes.” - Ilona Andrews

70. “You call that evening the odds? You demolished them."Demolished. He liked that. "I left you one.""I noticed.""I promised to share," he told her. "Manners are very important in the Weird. Lying would be quite impolite.” - Ilona Andrews

71. “William's eyes glowed like two amber coals. She met his gaze and flinched. No emotion reflected in the amber, only intelligence, cruel in a way the eyes of a hunting Mire cat were cruel. She saw no worry, no softness, no thoughts at all, only waiting. He seemed barely human now, not a man but some feral thing, knitted of darkness and biding his time for an opportunity to pounce.” - Ilona Andrews

72. “She put her hand on her hip. "Where are you going?""To the boat. You called me Lord Bill again. That means we're cool."Cerise slapped her forehead with the heel of her hand and followed him.” - Ilona Andrews

73. “Some women waited for a night in shining armor. She, apparently, had ended up with a knight in black jeans and leather, who wanted to chase her down and have his evil way with her.” - Ilona Andrews

74. “Life was too short and ended too suddenly. If you didn't take advantage of what you had today, tomorrow it might be ripped from you.” - Ilona Andrews

75. “Slowly the reality of the situation sank in. He got his ass kicked, learned nothing, and got saved by a dumb dog and an old lady. If he lived long enough to report to Nancy back in Adrianglia, he would have to gloss over this part.” - Ilona Andrews

76. “Behind him Kaldar nudged Urow's youngest son. "Bet you he lasts at least thirty seconds.""Um..." Gaston looked at him. "No he won't.""Bet me something.""I don't have anything."Kaldar grimaced. "Pick up that rock."Gaston swiped the rock off the ground. "Now you have a rock. I bet this five bucks against your rock."Gaston grinned. "Deal.” - Ilona Andrews

77. “You said he was a soldier. You don't suppose...?""Oh, Gods." Ignata blinked. "You think something could be wrong down there?"All of them looked at William, who chose this precise moment to slide the wet shirt back on his back, which required him to flex, raising his arms. "That would be a shame," Cerise murmured.” - Ilona Andrews

78. “It depends. If I don't let you in, will you huff and puff and blow my house down?" She had no idea. "I'm more of a kick the door open and cut everyone inside to ribbons kind of wolf.” - Ilona Andrews

79. “How is it different?"He rolled his head back, sable hair falling down on his shoulders. "With Rose I knew what to say. I could take a step back and talk to her. I remembered all the crap from the magaznies. It was easy.""And with me, it's hard?" Why? Because she was a swamp girl? And how did the magazines fit into it?William looked away from her. "I don't like it when you're away. If I don't see you, I can't settle down. If I see you talking with another man, I want to claw his throat out. And none of the things you're supposed to say fit."Oh, this had to be good. "What sort of things?"He sighed. "The lines. Like, 'You're my everything,' or 'Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” - Ilona Andrews

80. “It could be worse," he said finally. "Efrenia married an arsonist. Jake's wife is a kleptomaniac. I suppose, a psychopathic spree killer isn't that odd of a choice, considering.” - Ilona Andrews

81. “Kaldar picked up a rock and tossed it into the clearing. It landed between two wards. A green stem shot out of the ground, and a hail of needle-thin thorns peppered the soil, striking sparks off the rock. "You got any money on you?""No."Kaldar grimaced. "What do you have?"William made a mental inventory of some twenty-odd items he'd pulled out of the Mirror's bag of tricks and hid in his clothes this morning. Not much he could part with. "A knife," he said. "Fine. I'll bet my knife against your knife that I can walk through there unharmed.” - Ilona Andrews

82. “This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.” - Ilona Andrews

83. “An evil spark flared in his eyes. "Trade: raccoon for some answers.” - Ilona Andrews

84. “Did I hurt you in the parking lot?""No, m'lady. I fell, so I could put a tracker on your car."Great.” - Ilona Andrews

85. “Kaldar smiled at her. Now there was a work of art. If she were just a girl and he were just a man, and they met at a party, that smile would've guaranteed him a date. The man was hot. There was no doubt. But right now, all it would get him was a solid punch in those even teeth. Audrey laughed. "Aren't you sweet? Tell me, do girls usually throw their panties at you when you do that?"He grinned wider, and she glimpsed the funny evil spark in his eyes. "Do men throw money when you do your little Southern belle?” - Ilona Andrews

86. “Oh, I don't know. I might grow on you."She furrowed her pretty eyebrows. "Like a cancer?""Like a favorite vice.” - Ilona Andrews

87. “At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!” - Ilona Andrews

88. “The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs.""You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?""Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.” - Ilona Andrews

89. “Ask a man how much a dollar is worth, and he'll tell you, 'Almost nothing.' Try to take a dollar away from him, and you'll get yourself a fight.” - Ilona Andrews

90. “You're right, my problems are the biggest problems ever," George said. "No, honestly, it's horrible to be me. I'm rich, talented, and I make girls cry.""How do you make girls cry, exactly?"George turned to her. His blue eyes widened. His lovely face took on a forlorn, deeply troubled expression. He leaned forward, and, in a theatrical whisper, said, "My past is tragic. I wouldn't want to burden you with it. It's a pain I must suffer alone. In the rain. In silence.” - Ilona Andrews

91. “Audrey turned to him, a sly little spark hiding in her eyes. "THe only man who gets to call me'love' would be waking up next to me after a very, very fun night. Fun night. Oh yes."Guess what?" She leaned closer. "You will never be that man.” - Ilona Andrews

92. “Breaking into the house in the middle of the night just wasn't his style. He did his best work in plain view, and, usually, his tongue was doing most of it.Now that was an interesting thought. Heh.” - Ilona Andrews

93. “When walking into the lair of the dragon after robbing his hoard, the least you could do is hold you head high [...]” - Ilona Andrews

94. “Just stay close to us. If we get in trouble, we'll kill everything.” - Ilona Andrews

95. “Wiggles hissed as I crossed the floor toward the throne. She fixed me with her empty hateful eyes and smelled the air, her long tongue shiveringthrough the slit of the lipless mouth. Nice to see you too, sweetheart. Remember my cattle prod?” - Ilona Andrews

96. “You will not pass!” Roman thundered.Great. Now he had decided he was Gandalf.” - Ilona Andrews

97. “The rage of the Beast Lord was a terrible thing to behold. Some people stormed, some punched things, but Curran slipped into this icy, bone-chilling calm. His face hardened into a flat mask, and his eyes turned into a molten inferno of pure gold. If you looked at it for longer than two seconds, your muscles locked, your knees shook, and you had to fight to keep from cringing. It was easier to look at the floor,but I didn’t. Besides, he wasn’t angry with me. He wasn’t even angry with Kate. He was angry with Anapa. I had no doubt that if he could’ve gotten a hold of the god at that moment, he would’ve broken him in half.“It’s only ribs,” Kate told him. “And they’re not even broken. They are fractured.”“And the hip,” Doolittle said. “And the knee.”There you go. Don’t expect mercy from a honeybadger.“How long do you need to keep her?” Curran looked to Doolittle.“She can go to her quarters, provided she doesn’t leave them,” Doolittle said. “I can’t do anything else with the magic down. She must stay down until I can patch her up.”“She will.” Curran reached for Kate. “Hey, baby. Ready?”She nodded. Curran slid his hands under her and picked her up, gently, as if she weighed nothing.“Good?” he asked.She put her arm around him. “Never better.” - Ilona Andrews

98. “At first glance you looked at Kate and thought “fighter,” maybe merc. Five inches taller than me, she was all muscle—well, and some boobs—but mostly muscle. She moved like a predator and when she got pissed off, she exhaled aggression, like hot breath on a winter evening. Still, men looked, until they saw her eyes. Kate’s eyes were crazy. It was that hidden-deep crazy that told you that you had no idea what the hell she would do next but whatever it was, the bad guys wouldn’t like it.” - Ilona Andrews

99. “If you can't make it go away, wait it out.” - Ilona Andrews

100. “Beautiful I would never be. Striking, that I could manage.” - Ilona Andrews