Laughter is a universal language that brightens even the dullest days. To bring a smile to your face and lighten your mood, we’ve gathered a curated collection of the top 107 humorous quotes. Whether you need a quick pick-me-up or a clever line to share, these witty sayings are sure to tickle your funny bone and remind you not to take life too seriously. Dive in and enjoy a dose of humor that’s perfect for any occasion.
1. “I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.” - Woody Allen
2. “Rhett: If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.” - Rowena Cherry
3. “Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand.” - Kurt Vonnegut
4. “If I'm out of my mind, it's all right with me, thought Moses Herzog.” - Saul Bellow
5. “Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” - James Thurber
6. “You're not allowed to call them dinosaurs any more," said Yo-less. "It's speciesist. You have to call them pre-petroleum persons.” - Terry Pratchett
7. “A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.” - Friedrich Nietzsche
8. “To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.” - Oscar Wilde
9. “The advantage of being married a long time was that one could argue without the necessity of the other's actual, physical presence.” - William Browning Spencer
10. “The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.” - Oscar Levant
11. “Hello, IT... Have you tried turning it off and on again?... OK, well, the button on the side. Is it glowing?... Yeah, you need to turn it on.... Err, the button turns it on.... Yeah, you do know how a button works, don't you?... No, not on clothes... I'm sorry, are you from the past?” - Graham Linehan
12. “Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."No, I'm not," said Ani.Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?” - Shannon Hale
13. “I said breathe. Not do a fish-out of-water imitation.” - Karen Marie Moning
14. “[Kirk] paced back toward his command chair, all eyes on him. "He must have a weakness.""Certainly," Chekov said. "Is he not basically humanoid? He could be poisoned, phasered, stabbed-"Kirk sneered. "Without killing him, Ensign."With a shrug, Chekov turned quietly back to his console, pulling his hands from his lap and placing them on the controls.” - Dave Galanter
15. “Ah, but surely you must now be saying, "waitaminute, tuna fish would go bad if you kept it in your pocket for weeks and weeks without refrigerating it."To that I simply say: You obviously haven't read Professor P.S. Schackman's informative book How to Keep Tuna Fish in Your Pocket for Weeks and Weeks Without it Going Bad. I suggest you read it before complaining about the tuna situation again.” - Jason Carter Eaton
16. “If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth” - J.A. Saare
17. “The lot of the brideto be wed before beddesired until rotten.The lot of the authorto be read before bedadmired then forgotten.” - Roman Payne
18. “He once told me that an August evening was "as hot as three toads in a Cuisinart," a comparison that left me blinking two days later.” - Dean Koontz
19. “If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called "Damn It".” - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
20. “Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.” - Arthur Wellesley Wellington
21. “I don't want to be a genius-I have enough problems just trying to be a man.” - Albert Camus
22. “We're on a mission from Glod.” - Terry Pratchett
23. “You don't scare me, Cadence Jones. I've lived with crazy, I've ridden with crazy, I've vacationed with crazy, I've visited crazy in various hospitals, I've sat in on therapy sessions with crazy. Frankly, I think women who don't have major emotional disorders are really very dull.” - MaryJanice Davidson
24. “I got swirling eyes and the capacity to shatter windows with my bare voice. Tod got teleportation and invisibility. The supernatural world is so far from fair.” - Rachel Vincent
25. “I don't want any gay people hanging around me while I'm killing kids. I just don't want to see it.” - Bill Hicks
26. “Well, you may abuse me, be angry with me if you like," Porfiry Petrovitch began again, "but I can't resist. Allow me one little question (I know I am troubling you). There is just one little notion I want to express, simply that I may not forget it.” - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
27. “Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.” - Jane Austen
28. “Hypocrite: The man who murdered his parents, and then pleaded for mercy on the grounds that he was an orphan.” - Abraham Lincoln
29. “Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is.” - Horace Walpole
30. “When the bishop farted we were amused to hear about it. Should the ploughboy find treasure we must be told. But when the ploughboy farts... er... keep it to yourself.” - Kingsley Amis
31. “Accentuaute the positives - medicate the negatives.” - Amy Sedaris
32. “Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.” - Jess C. Scott
33. “I regret that I didn’t realize that actually they’ve got no power over you at school — it’s all just a trick to indoctrinate you into being a conditioned, tame, placid citizen. Rebel, children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.” - Russell Brand
34. “If you really want space on public transport you should carry some pornography from the 1970s and a pair of children's safety scissors, then delicately cut out all the eyes of the glamour models whilst whistling. Every now and again mutter, 'Why are women more beautiful when they are eyeless?' You will be able to stretch out, though this can have ramifications such as ending up on a police list or being run out of town.” - Robin Ince
35. “I often arrive at quite sensible ideas and judgements, on the spur of the moment. It is when I stop to think that I become foolish.” - Jerome K. Jerome
36. “It is very strange, this domination of our intellect by our digestive organs. We cannot work, we cannot think, unless our stomach wills so. It dictates to us our emotions, our passions. After eggs and bacon it says, "Work!" After beefsteak and porter, it says, "Sleep!" After a cup of tea (two spoonfuls for each cup, and don't let it stand for more than three minutes), it says to the brain, "Now rise, and show your strength. Be eloquent, and deep, and tender; see, with a clear eye, into Nature, and into life: spread your white wings of quivering thought, and soar, a god-like spirit, over the whirling world beneath you, up through long lanes of flaming stars to the gates of eternity!” - Jerome K. Jerome
37. “I’m Sam Donovan.” “I know who you are. Mrs. Kulavich told me. I’m Jaine Bright.” “I know. She told me. She even told me how you spell your name.” Now, how on earth had Mrs. Kulavich known that?” - Linda Howard
38. “Mr. Brundy, you are no doubt as well acquainted with my circumstances as I am with yours, so let us not beat about the bush. I have a fondness for the finer things in life, and I suppose I always will. As a result, I am frightfully expensive to maintain. I have already bankrupted my father, and have no doubt I should do the same to you, should you be so foolhardy as to persist in the desire for such a union. Furthermore, I have a shrewish disposition and a sharp tongue. My father, having despaired of seeing me wed to a gentleman of my own class, has ordered me to either accept your suit or seek employment. If I married you, it would be only for your wealth, and only because I find the prospect of marriage to you preferable –but only slightly!- to the life of a governess or a paid companion. If, knowing this, you still wish to marry me, why, you have only to name the day.”Having delivered herself of this speech, Lady Helen waited expectantly for Mr. Brundy’s stammering retraction. Her suitor pondered her words for a long moment, then made his response.“’ow about Thursday?” - Sheri Cobb South
39. “Now to me, Edith looks like something that would eat her young.” - Dorothy Parker
40. “I’d spend hours in HMVs, Virgin Megastores and second-hand record shops staffed by greasy-haired 40-year-olds dressed as 20-year-olds, listening to contemporary music of every genre – Britrock, heavy maiden, gang rap, brakebeat. And I came to a startling but unshakeable conclusion: no genuinely good music has been created since 1988.” - Alan Partridge
41. “I remembered that Beethoven's symphonies had sometimes been given names... they should have call [the Fifth] the Vampire, because it simply refused to lie down and die.” - Alan Bradley
42. “You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my “warped” label with pride.” - Jessica Park
43. “REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.” - Demetri Martin
44. “In my time first cousins did not meet like strangers. But we are learning modesty from the Americans, and old English ways are too gross for us.” - Joseph Sheridan Le Fanu
45. “I am on the divorce detox diet. I only eat younger men” - Erla-Mari Diedericks
46. “These things sneak up on him for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency.” - Margaret Atwood
47. “Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.” - Groucho Marx
48. “If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.” - Lynne Truss
49. “I'm talking to a journalist and I really have nothing to say anymore, this is already uncomfortable. I feel the pain coming already. The brutal pain, when one day I should read your edit of whatever I say, because no matter what I say, no matter how I say it, no matter its tone, its frequency range, its decibel level or the way in which I put the words together, no matter my intentions and no matter the truth. What I'll read one day will be a chastised, manipulated abortion of your misunderstandings, your manipulations, your agenda and your amateur use of the English language.” - Vincent Gallo
50. “The only thing worse than fighting a giant scorpion was fighting a giant scorpion who was trying to protect her young.” - Suzanne Collins
51. “Now I know this is going to seem counter to every instinct that you have, but I'm going to ask you to sit still, or I'll put you in the trunk.” - Anna White
52. “But a cock does not enter a hen… it enters a…meow-meow!” - Faraaz Kazi
53. “If you count sheep before you go to sleep, are you barrrrr'd from dreams?” - Benny Bellamacina
54. “Maxim 37: There is no "overkill." There is only "open fire" and "reload."-The Seventy Maxims of Maximally Effective Mercenaries” - Howard Tayler
55. “mystery is not founded in ignorance, mystery is founded in imagination” - S. Spencer Baker
56. “Wherever I am, there's always Pooh,There's always Pooh and Me.Whatever I do, he wants to do,"Where are you going today?" says Pooh:"Well, that's very odd 'cos I was too.Let's go together," says Pooh, says he."Let's go together," says Pooh.” - A.A. Milne
57. “What happened?" he asked brusquely, interrupting me. "What do you mean, what happened?""I sensed your fear, heard you call out my name.""I...no, I didn't." Stone Wall, I told myself. Great Wall of China, around my thoughts."The Great Wall of China isn't going to do it, Violet. Come on, tell me what happened.” - Kristi Cook
58. “Look!" Hawkeye said. Duke looked where Hawkeye was pointing. In one corner, kneeling on the dirt floor with his elbows on his cot, a Bible in front of him, his lips moving slowly, and oblivious to all about him, was Major Jonathan Hobson."Jesus," Hawkeye said."It don't look like Him," Duke said.” - Richard Hooker
59. “Do you know what she did today?" He leaned confidentially across the table, pointing at the dishes in the sink. "She went to the market and left all the breakfast dishes there and said she'd do them later. I know what she wanted. She expected me to do them. Well, I'll fool her. I'll leave them just where they are.” - Ayn Rand
60. “Our problems started in Dallas, when the fire-breathing sheep destroyed the King Tut exhibit.” - Rick Riordan
61. “Removing his helmet, Edward knelt by the stream called Swillgate, a name that effectively quenched any desire to drink from its depths.” - Sharon Kay Penman
62. “In his essay,Agastya had said that his real ambition was to be a domesticated male stray dog because they lived the best life.They were assured of food,and because they were stray they didn't have to guard a house or beg or shake paws or fetch trifles or be clean or anything similarly meaningless to earn their food.They were servile and sycophantic when hungry;once fed,and before sleep,they wagged their tails perfunctorily whenever their hosts passes,as an investment for future meals.A stray dog was free,he slept a lot,barked unexpectedly and only when he wanted to,and got a lot of sex.” - Upamanyu Chatterjee
63. “I remember one incident which bears upon this part of the treatise. The gentleman who gave it to me had asked to see my tobacco-pipe; he examined it carefully, and when he came to the little protuberance at the bottom of the bowl he seemed much delighted, and exclaimed that it must be rudimentary. I asked him what he meant."Sir," he answered, "this organ is identical with the rim at the bottom of a cup; it is but another form of the same function. Its purposes must have been to keep the heat of the pipe from marking the table upon which it rested. You would find, if you were to look up the history of tobacco-pipes, that in early specimens this protuberance was of a different shape to what it is now. It will have been broad at the bottom, and flat, so that while the pipe was being smoked the bowl might rest upon the table without marking it. Use and disuse must have come into play and reduced the function its present rudimentary condition. I should not be surprised, sir," he continued, "if, in the course of time, it were to become modified still farther, and to assume the form of an ornamental leaf or scroll, or even a butterfly, while in some cases, it will become extinct.” - Samuel Butler
64. “Darling, whose book is this to be?""Ostensibly yours, my sweet""I see -- rather like my life since I met you?""Yes darling” - John Wyndham
65. “You can get anywhere in Pakistan if you know people, even into jail.” - Salman Rushdie
66. “A halo is a cock ring for the soul.” - Corey DuFour
67. “Your lifeline...oh, the burning stick. Right." Leo resisted the urge to set his hand ablaze and yell: BWAH HA HA!” - Rick Riordan
68. “Meg's face clouded, and I wondered if she was going to rain the way people do sometimes.” - Ray Rhamey
69. “She stopped and looked at him when she heard a low growl."You've kissed someone?"Sally tried to hold back the snort of laughter that bubble out. "Of course. I'm eighteen, Costin. Only having kissed one guy by eighteen is pretty darn conservative.""I don't want to know about this guy," Costin frowned. "He won't hold a candle to my kisses anyway.” - Quinn Loftis
70. “The year was dying early, the leaves were falling fast, it was a raw cold day when we took possession, and the gloom of the house was most depressing. The cook (an amiable woman, but of a weak turn of intellect) burst into tears on beholding the kitchen, and requested that her silver watch might be delivered over to her sister (2 Tuppintock’s Gardens, Liggs’s Walk, Clapham Rise), in the event of anything happening to her from the damp. Streaker, the housemaid, feigned cheerfulness, but was the greater martyr. The Odd Girl, who had never been in the country, alone was pleased, and made arrangements for sowing an acorn in the garden outside the scullery window, and rearing an oak.” - Charles Dickens
71. “L'impiegato pieno di delicatezzaPersonaggi:IL CAPUFFICIOL'IMPIEGATO PIENO DI DELICATEZZALa scena rappresenta un ufficio. All'alzarsi del sipario IL CAPUFFICIO manda a chiamare L'IMPIEGATO PIENO DI DELICATEZZA e lo apostrofa con severità.CAPUFFICIOSignor Patellini come mai spesso non venite in ufficio?IMPIEGATOcon delicatezza: Commendatore, le dirò: temo sempre di disturbare.(Sipario)” - Achille Campanile
72. “As Danton sees it, the most bizarre aspect of Camille's character is his desire to scribble over every blank surface; he sees a guileless piece of paper, virgin and harmless, and persecutes it till it is black with words, and then besmirches its sister, and so on, through the quire.” - Hilary Mantel
73. “But take heart: For every phalanx of nerds who die there are always a few who succeed. Not long after that horrific murder, a whole pack of revolutionary nerds ran aground on a sandbar on the southeast coast of Cuba. Yes, it was Fidel and Revolutionary Crew, back for a rematch against Batista. Of the eight-two revolutionaries who splashed ashore, only twenty-two survived to celebrate the New Year, including one book-loving argentino. A bloodbath, with Batista's forces executing even those who surrendered. But these twenty-two, it would prove, were enough.” - Junot Diaz
74. “Arthur narrowly avoided tripping over his own skirt as he hurried out of the ladies’ powder room in full pursuit.” - Graham Moore
75. “One thing you'll learn when you're in the business of selling utter shite to the Great British Public is that there's really no bottom to where they'll go. Shit food, shit TV, shit bands, shit films, shit houses. There is absolutely no fucking bottom with this stuff. The shittier you can make it - a bad photocopy of a bad photocopy of what was a shit idea in the first place - the more they'll eat it up with a big fucking spoon, from dawn till dusk, from now until the end of time. It's too good.” - John Niven
76. “På stasjonen sto det også en samling innfødte og beundret båtene. Særlig spekulerte de på hva det betydde at det sto "Nettie" i baugen på skipperens kano. Idet vi skulle gå, hadde en språkkyndig mann oversatt ordet til norsk og var begynt å bøye det som et uregelmessig verbum.” - Esau Kessler John
77. “Why be ordinary when you can be extraordinary?” - Alan Dapre
78. “Red sky at night, the city's alight.” - Terry Pratchett
79. “Divorce is what husband and wife do together when they no longer wish to do anything together.” - John Spencer Yantiss
80. “I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.” - Joshua Donellan
81. “...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.” - Joshua Donellan
82. “...we've already had one horrible thing happen today, which means that if you think about it the odds of anything else horrible happening again in the next few hours should now be quite low.” - Joshua Donellan
83. “If water was beer I'd be a teetotaler” - Benny Bellamacina
84. “Valuable and ingenious he might be, thought Jack, fixing him with his glass, but false he was too, and perjured. He had voluntarily sworn to have no truck with vampires, and here, attached to his bosom, spread over it and enfolded by one arm, was a greenish hairy thing, like a mat - a loathsome great vampire of the most poisonous kind, no doubt. ‘I should never have believed it of him: his sacred oath in the morning watch and now he stuffs the ship with vampires; and God knows what is in that bag. No doubt he was tempted, but surely he might blush for his fall?’No blush; nothing but a look of idiot delight as he came slowly up the side, hampered by his burden and comforting it in Portuguese as he came.‘I am happy to see that you were so successful, Dr Maturin,’ he said, looking down into the launch and the canoes, loaded with glowing heaps of oranges and shaddocks, red meat, iguanas, bananas, greenstuff. ‘But I am afraid no vampires can be allowed on board.’‘This is a sloth,’ said Stephen, smiling at him. ‘A three-toed sloth, the most affectionate, discriminating sloth you can imagine!’ The sloth turned its round head, fixed its eyes on Jack, uttered a despairing wail, and buried its face again in Stephen’s shoulder, tightening its grip to the strangling-point.” - Patrick O'Brian
85. “Personal faintness, and an overpowering personal candour, were the distinguishing features of Mrs Billickin’s organization. She came languishing out from her own exclusive back parlour, with the air of having been expressly brought-to for the purpose, from an accumulation of several swoons.” - Charles Dickens
86. “I think cynicism often disguises itself as humour.” - Michka Assayas
87. “When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.” - Mark Twain
88. “I blame Doctor Who. Mr Spock. The Scooby Gang: both the ones in the Mystery Machine and the ones with the stakes. I've spent my life with stories of people who don't walk away, who go back for their friends, who make that last stand. I've been brainwashed by Samwise Gamgee.” - Andrea K. Höst
89. “Cops do this every day, rifling closets and digging through your dildo drawer.” - David Wong
90. “Did he know she could barely think, let alone speak, for awareness of proximity of his fingers?Of course he knew. He was a rake. This is what he did.” - Anne Gracie
91. “Boys don’t gossip.”“Pah! You don’t know us as well as you think.”This was a disturbing prospect.” - Jennifer Echols
92. “I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout
93. “But in every church there are people who, for reasons which seem sufficient to them, do not approve of their pastor and seek to harry him and bully him into some condition pleasing to themselves. The democracy which the Reformation brought into the Christian Church rages in their bosoms like a fire; they would deny that they regard their clergyman as their spiritual hired hand, whom they boss and oversee for his own good, but that is certainly the impression they give to observers.” - Robertson Davies
94. “Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.” - Stephen Colbert
95. “Don't try to outfox this chicken...” - Travis Berketa
96. “Edna restored the toffee to the centre of her tongue and sucking pleasurably, resumed her typing of Naked Love by Armand Levine. Its painstaking eroticism left her uninterested--as indeed it did most of Mr. Levine's readers, in spite of his efforts. He was a notable example of the fact that nothing can be duller than dull pornography.” - Agatha Christie
97. “Leo got up and brushed himself off. "I hate that guy". He offered Jason his arm like they should go skipping together."I`m Dylan. I`m so cool, I want to date myself, but I can`t figure out how! You want to date me instead? You`re so lucky!""Leo" Jason said "You`re weird” - Rick Riordan
98. “If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory!” - Mark Twain
99. “The pen is truly mightier than the sword. Unless you're holding a pen and the other guy's holding a sword.” - Dave Besseling
100. “When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each other.About Alex and Brittany.” - Simone Elkeles
101. “You look like a hot tamale.”“That’s not really a compliment.” - Simone Elkeles
102. “Conclusion: better to be a thinking monk than a postmodernthinker.” - Muriel Barbery
103. “Your dad's not dead." I winced. "In fact, isn't he some kind of big-shot union labor guy?" He nodded. "Yup. That's who they called. Dad confirmed he died this morning.” - KevaD
104. “Did you bring me a rat?""He has no time for rats, George.""No time for rats? That's just sad.” - Rick Riordan
105. “Actually, using the Daleks would be a masterstroke. Everyone loves Doctor Who - who wouldn't be thrilled by the sight of a real-life Dalek squadron rolling down the high street, glinting in the sun? The sheer excitement would genuinely make the accompanying loss of liberty seem worthwhile. To liven things up even more, our rasping pepperpot overlords would be colour-coded. Blue Daleks would deal with minor infractions, and would spend most of their time issuing warnings and administering minor shocks - but they'd also be chummy and approachable, and willing to pose for photographs with your nephew. Red Daleks, on the other hand, would be emotionless killing machines. Imagine the atmosphere outside a pub on a hot summer's day: a Red Dalek trundles past, and the convivial hubbub suddenly fades to a whisper. Everyone stiffens. And then he turns the corner and a communal sigh of relief goes up, and the drinking continues and the jukebox plays louder and louder... community spirit lives again. Admit it: it'd be fantastic.” - Charlie Brooker
106. “Many people claim coffee inspires them, but, as everybody knows, coffee only makes boring people even more boring.” - Balzac
107. “There is much to discover that's not on the back cover!” - E.A. Bucchianeri
