Laughter is truly the best medicine, and sometimes all it takes is a clever quote to brighten your day. We've gathered a curated collection of the top 115 hilarious quotes that are sure to bring a smile to your face and lighten any mood. Whether you need a quick pick-me-up or want to share a laugh with friends, these witty and funny sayings are perfect for every occasion. Get ready to enjoy some humor that’s guaranteed to brighten your day!
1. “This is the sixty-nine," I told him, presenting the magazine in front of him. I put my fingers -- two of them -- on the action, so that he would not overlook it. "Why is it dubbed sixty-nine?" he asked, because he is a person hot on fire with curiosity. "It was invented in 1969. My friend Gregory knows a friend of the nephew of the inventor." "What did people do before 1969?" "Merely blowjobs and masticating box, but never in chorus.” - Jonathan Safran Foer
2. “I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say.” - Marshall McLuhan
3. “I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.” - Oscar Wilde
4. “I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman.--Detective Sam Kage in A Matter Of Time (vol 2 or part 4)” - Mary Calmes
5. “Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.” - Shaquille O'Neal
6. “The better organized the state, the duller its humanity.” - David Mitchell
7. “As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing.” - J.R. Ward
8. “She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope." "Never be afraid to hope," Rohan said gently. "It's the only way to begin." -Rohan to Win” - Lisa Kleypas
9. “It would take more than long-stemmed roses to change my view that you're a despicable cowardy custard and a disgrace to a proud family. Your ancestors fought in the Crusades and were often mentioned in despatches, and you cringe like a salted snail at the thought of appearing as Santa Claus before an audience of charming children who wouldn't hurt a fly. It's enough to make an aunt turn her face to the wall and give up the struggle.” - P.G. Wodehouse
10. “Hat head is a sad affliction wherein the chosen hat and the selected hairstyle are grossly incompatible. The unfortunate combination results in a condition that can be hidden only with the application of another hat.” - Stephanie Pearl-McPhee
11. “Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.” - George Carlin
12. “A mere redrawing of borders, a change in governments, those things can never faze a Jewess with a good supply of hand wipes in her bag.” - Michael Chabon
13. “In small towns, news travels at the speed of boredom.” - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
14. “To ugly ducklings everywhere,Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans” - Zoë Marriott
15. “There's a name for people with an interest in the moon," Alex said. "They're called lunatics.” - Anthony Horowitz
16. “There are all kinds of psychological disorders in the West that don't exist in Asia.” - Amy Chua
17. “The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.” - Jodi Picoult
18. “Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.” - Chelsea Handler
19. “When does he ever think?" Richard straddled a chair and accepted a wind cup from Raoul. "If he were to sell his brain, he could claim it had never been used.", Chapter 7” - Sharon Kay Penman
20. “True...I hear voices in my head keep talking to me. The good thing for now is...I never answer them back.” - Timothy Pina
21. “I need some kind of... like... last minute, poorly-set-up deus ex machina!!” - Bryan Lee O'Malley
22. “I have a computer, a vibrator, and pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? " - Tabitha” - Sherrilyn Kenyon
23. “Merlin's pants!” - J.K. Rowling
24. “The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.” - Will Cuppy
25. “A cupcake temple?' Her chest still tight with anxiety, Bertie forced herself to imagine it: bricks of pound cake mortared with buttercream and chocolate ganache, torches like striped birthday candles set into the walls, pilgrims upon the Path of Delectable Righteousness delivering daily tributes of almond paste and raspberry filling. . . .” - Lisa Mantchev
26. “There shouldn't ever be a gas shortage in our world...when so many people are full of it!” - Timothy Pina
27. “Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder--which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would submissively obey the most peremptory orders about stance and expression.” - Terry Pratchett
28. “Well,' said Mrs. Erdleigh, speaking kindly, as if to a child who has proposed a game inevitably associated with the breakage of china, 'I know trouble will come of it if we do.” - Anthony Powell
29. “Spanish was weird that way: two words for monkeys, and esposas meant both wives and handcuffs. That said a lot.” - Ann Aguirre
30. “Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.” - John Lyman
31. “Cool people are only cool for the first thirty minutes of knowing them. After that, they just become annoying.” - Carroll Bryant
32. “People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.” - Terry Pratchett
33. “You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.” - Terry Pratchett
34. “It's easy to remember, because dating rhymes with mating, and they're almost the same [...] So your mom thinks we're ma-- Uh, dating?” - Anna Banks
35. “I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.” - Chelsea Handler
36. “It wasn't a lie, not at all like one of those lies she told herself all the time, like This is the last drink of the evening, or I'm not going to set the bitch's house on fire.” - Melissa de la Cruz
37. “Leandros's favorite place had turned out not to be vegetarian, but vegan, which was for people who preferred their suicide slow.” - Rob Thurman
38. “If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.” - Kinky Friedman
39. “Real life... Witches: Wiccan practitioners. Werewolves: rare strain of rabies. Zombies: Prions/Plague. Vampires: Hemophilia/Porphyria” - Solange nicole
40. “What did Finnick Odair want?” he asks.I turn and put my lips close to Peeta's and drop my eyelids in imitation of Finnick. “He offered me sugar and wanted to know all my secrets,” I say in my best seductive voice.Peeta laughs. “Ugh. Not really.”“Really,” I say. “I'll tell you more when my skin stops crawling.” - Suzanne Collins
41. “Never do anything that you don’t want to have to explain to 9-1-1 personnel.” - Jill Shalvis
42. “He crouched at the care window and looked in. "What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one." His finger jabbed the glass. "That one's a bit ugly."The American stepped towards him. "What? What did you say?""Oh, don't worry. I'm sure his personality makes up for his face.” - Derek Landy
43. “...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.” - Jim Butcher
44. “For God's sake put on your glasses, Sam. You're staring right at my boobs.” - Jillian Eaton
45. “You can crab over the morning paper and kick the shins of the guy in the next seat at the movies and feel mean and discouraged and sneer at the politicians but there are a lot of nice people in the world just the same.” - Raymond Chandler
46. “Thanks,” I muttered and added under my breath, “Douchebag.”He laughed, deep and throaty. “Now that’s not very ladylike, Kittycat.”I whipped around. “Don’t ever call me that,” I snapped.“It’s better than calling someone a douchebag, isn’t it?” He pushed out the door. “This has been a stimulating visit. I’ll cherish it for a long time to come.”Okay. That was it. “You know, you’re right. How wrong of me to call you a douchebag. Because a douchebag is too nice of a word for you,” I said, smiling sweetly. “You’re a dickhead.”“A dickhead?” he repeated. “How charming.”I flipped him off.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout
47. “Three eggs two slices of toast a cup of coffee an episode of Mr. Ed. A Violin and a bowl of fruit what else does a man need?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
48. “I was in a department store and the clerk came up to me and said "do you want to lay on the couch' I said "Where's your clip board?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
49. “You'll call me a damned Jew, a Christ murderer, a secret worshipper of pigs and a kidnapper of christian children.” This was all said cheerfully. “How absurd! Who would want to kidnap children, Christian or otherwise? Vile things. The only mercy of children is that they grow up, as my son has but then, tragically, they beget more children. We do not learn life's lessons.” - Bernard Cornwell
50. “By the time he was done with the deer it had been dark three hours and his bad leg was singing 'Ave Maria'.” - Stephen King
51. “My medication must be wearing off I'm starting to think my jokes are funny.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
52. “I just tripped over a pair of shoes and almost fell down and broke my neck and no I wasn't wearing them.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
53. “I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
54. “Here she was, being rescued by a socialist, feminist, lesbian, baby-killing, foreign terrorist. What would the ladies in the sewing circle say to that?” - Hillary Jordan
55. “But unless we determine to take action,' said the old man querulously, as if struggling against something deeply insouciant in his nature, 'then we shall all be destroyed, we shall all die. Surely we care about that?' 'Not enough to want to get killed over it,' said Ford.” - Douglas Adams
56. “You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or... you can just take my word for it.” - C.V. Hunt
57. “Seeing how I've held your penis in my hand, I think that puts you firmly in the not a stranger category.” - Jessica Scott
58. “My toe as a lethal weapon!” - Azar Nafisi
59. “Taggle was absorbed in the meat pie. ‘It’s covered in BREAD,’ he huffed. ‘What fool has covered MEAT with BREAD?” - Erin Bow
60. “Just tell him to keep his hands to himself and his python in his pants.” - Evangeline Anderson
61. “I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.” - David Sedaris
62. “Well, looks like you won't be reaching nirvana anytime soon."She pushed a stray lock of hair off her forehead and sniffed. "Yes, I suppose that's true. I guess I'll just have to settle for a trip to Idaho.” - Beth Hoffman
63. “He downed the last of his coffee, carried his mug over to the pot, poured himself a refill, and returned to the table.Why, yes, thank you, I'd love some more coffee. Hmmm, Narcisstic Personality Disorder? Attention Deficit Disorder? Or just a typical male?” - Lynda Hilburn
64. “Jane: "Look, Dave Chandler left me on the ninth floor of our university research library without my panties after we lost our virginity together. He never called me again and actually turned on his heel and walked in the opposite direction whenever he saw me on campus. Unless you're going to do that, I don't think were gonna have a problem. Gabriel?"Gabriel: "Sorry. Something strange happened inside my head when you said the word "panties". The overwhelming urge to kill Dave Chandler combined with a simultaneous loss of blood to the brain.” - Molly Harper
65. “I strive for perfection - I settle for satisfaction” - Carroll Bryant
66. “I leave it to be settled, by whomsoever it may concern, whether the tendency of this work be altogether to recommend parental tyranny, or reward filial disobedience.” - Jane Austen
67. “Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared. A few had smiley faces on them. Squealing, I grabbed the boxes. Books were inside-- new release books I'd preordered weeks ago.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout
68. “Lucille must have fed him a Vallium smoothie this morning.” - Janet Evanovich
69. “Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. And then there are those who wonder, 'What the hell just happened?” - Carroll Bryant
70. “Doubt is a lot like faith; A mustard's seed worth changes everything.” - Donna Johnson
71. “What do you mean, is that it? I just saved his career and the CIA from ruin and he calls me a perfidious ass.""What's perfidious mean?" Ace asked from the driver's seat."You deceived him and stole his girlfriend out from under his nose," Julia said to Conrad. "I think technically 'ass' is a pretty mild revilement.""Revilement?" Ace looked at one and then the other in his rearview. "This is some kind of spy talk, isn't it? Okay, I'm down with it. Just tell me what it means.” - Misty Evans
72. “Smiling always seems to annoy people more than actually insulting them. Or maybe I just have an annoying smile.” - Jim Butcher
73. “The surgeon tells me that you're a sorcerer," Pym said. "Is that so?"Jaki looked to the captain with the glare of the masts in his eyes. "Yes."Pym weighed this disclosure. "You speak with the dead?""Yes."The captain's eyes screwed up intently. "What do they say to you?""They don't talk back."Pym and Mister Blackheart laughed in unison...The captain said, "Mister Blackheart wants to know what kind of sorcerer you are."Jaki pondered a response and finally said, "I was learning to catch souls before my teacher was killed.""Souls, eh? And what do you do with them after you catch them?""I put them back in their bodies.""Ah, then you're telling us you're a surgeon.” - A.A. Attanasio
74. “I love fortune readings! because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles.” - Hiroko Sakai
75. “...I gotta burn these scales... sigh*” - Hiroko Sakai
76. “How many kids are in the Graveyard?""A bunch.""Who sends your supplies?""George Washington. Or is it Abraham Lincoln? I forget.""How often do you receive new arrivals?""About as often as you beat your wife.” - Neal Shusterman
77. “Asshole," Ephraim muttered as he turned back around.Chris chuckeled. "Is that really any way to talk to your favorite child?""You're not my favorite," Ephraim argued, but they both knew that was bullshit. "I don't have any favorites.""Puhlease," Chris said. "You fucking adore me...” - R.L. Mathewson
78. “Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".” - Cherise Sinclair
79. “When life gives you lemons, put your lipstick on!” - Dana Page
80. “Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane?” - Larissa Ione
81. “Yep, ouch. He and apologies didn’t get along. ” - Larissa Ione
82. “Any day above ground is a good day.” - Robert Gerus
83. “I'm used to desperate, buddy. Desperate's my factory default. But thanks anyway.” - Carolyn Crane
84. “If the mattress stains were anything to go by, a previous user had not so much suffered from incontinence as rejoiced in it.” - Bill Bryson
85. “We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down— locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don’t hinder running. Erin’s suggestion of “Avoid assholes” was popular.” - Tammara Webber
86. “One should never marry a man who doesn't own a decent set of scissors.” - Gillian Flynn
87. “Here's my using dickwad in a sentence. Greg is such a dickwad, he locks his car in the Pagoda Pizza parking lot. (No. That isn't a real Vocab word.)” - A.S. King
88. “You gotta want it.” - Bill Murray
89. “I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.” - Joshua Donellan
90. “...food was at least three million per cent more delicious when you ate it immediately after thinking you were going to die.” - Joshua Donellan
91. “Sane people did what their neighbours did, so that if any lunatics were at large, one might know and avoid them.” - George Eliot
92. “Put it on your forehead and you'll feel better in no time!” - Alfred F. Jones Hetalia
93. “He will work off his crudities in time. I rather mistrust young men who slip into life gracefully.” - E. M. Forster
94. “A reputation for money is almost as negotiable as money itself.” - John Steinbeck
95. “Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in reference to Jadyn's "burning bush" -” - Jillian Dodd
96. “Why, you boggle-eyed, flap-tongued, drag-bellied offspring of unmentionable algae! You seething little leprous blotch of bat-nibbled fungus! You cringing parasite on the underside of a dwarfish and ignoble worm!” - Lewis Padgett
97. “It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]” - Nora Roberts
98. “I mean, shit, what Latino family doesn't think it's cursed?” - Junot Diaz
99. “We’re automatons in a symphony conducted by a lunatic and performed by blind idealists.” Damon” - Eleni Papanou
100. “I shot him a look. "That bouncer was really big."His lips quirked. "Oh, Kitten, see, I try not to say bad things.""What?"The grin spread. "I would say size doesn't matter but it does. I would know." he winked, and I let out a disgusted groan. He laughed.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout
101. “The joke was that President Bush only declared war when Starbucks was hit. You can mess with the U.N. all you want, but when you start interfering with the right to get caffeinated, someone has to pay.” - Chris Kyle
102. “It’s mind-blowing and delicious and betterthan finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds atthe end of a rainbow.” - Tara Sivec
103. “You could have heard a bee fluff” - S.W. Lothian
104. “I'd spent five minutes looking at Twitter once and felt I'd wandered into a poker game where everyone immediately displayed their hands against the cool green of the felt.” - Jeff Abbott
105. “He thought moving to a small town would allow him to find a way to get along to some extent but people were just plain idiots.” - Christine Feehan
106. “And there you sit, gloating over what you have done, as if you were a martyr or a public benefactor -- as complacent and smug and misunderstood as a princess from the moon forced to herd goats!” - Hope Mirrlees
107. “The problem with at-home IQ tests is that too many people wouldn't understand the results. Calling customer service is a bad sign.” - Iimani David
108. “I know something you do not know. I am not left-handed either.” - William Goldman
109. “Q and Beanpole and I giggled at the way our math teacher, Mr. Sung-Li, wore four pencils in his shirt pocket in case he was suddenly attacked by a multiplication problem or something.” - Alan Lawrence Sitomer
110. “Damn it, I should be the only one allowed to drool over him. I found him first! Or something not as stupid.” - Nicole Christie
111. “I didn't do anything wrong. I swear.'He grunted. 'Like I've never heard that before. Funny, but I expected a little more originality from Moira's daughter.''Yeah, well, the dog ate my notebook with all my good excuses.” - Mindee Arnett
112. “It saddened me that sometimes shopping was far more perilous than dealing with zombies and vampires.” - Anton Strout
113. “What do you call a rifle with three barrels?A trifle.” - Joseph Rosenbloom
114. “... Kenny G is extremely talented and resourceful and a powerful force to be reckoned with ... Mr. G might not seem evil, but I fear him more than any other human being.” - Matthew Quick
115. “But stay away from him, Juliana. When we said we wanted to make you a good match, Leighton was not who we imagined."Even her brother thought Simon too good for her."Because he is a duke?""What? No," Ralston said, truly perplexed by her instant defensive response. "Because he's an ass.” - Sarah MacLean
