Laughter is a universal language that can brighten any day, and a well-timed witty remark has the power to turn even the most mundane moments into memorable ones. Whether you're seeking inspiration to lift your spirits, or simply want to amuse a friend, a clever quote can be the perfect remedy. Dive into this curated collection of 134 hilarious and witty quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone and spark joy with their clever charm. Let these words remind you why humor remains one of life's most delightful gifts.
1. “I don't necessarily agree with everything that I say.” - Marshall McLuhan
2. “ Once upon a time, there was a little creature that was rather small and rather wicked and it lived all alone in the woods. The little creature lived in a little den, at the bottom of a little ravine, filled with not-at-all little brambles and on the edge of a forest that could only be described as really freakin' huge.” - Ursula Vernon
3. “He had a dashing smile. It nearly dashed right off his face.” - Shannon Hale
4. “Moreover, if great men are the only hope of the Evolutionary Process, they are morally bound to rule over the masses for their own good -- we are all here on earth to help others: what on earth the others are here for, I don't know -- and the masses have no right whatsoever to resist them.” - W.H. Auden
5. “I was cold, hungry, and in a hole in the ground. But at least I had my elven porn, damnit!” - Kim Harrison
6. “I would so rock at running amuck.” - KC Randall
7. “Be generous with your smile and try not to frown.And you will see my children; your smile will never let you down ☺” - Benny Bellamacina
8. “I want you back here now. I want you next to me now. I cannot believe that my family, your brother, all our friends, and an entire police force can't keep tabs on one twenty-six year old graphic designer who thinks he's fuckin' Batman.--Detective Sam Kage in A Matter Of Time (vol 2 or part 4)” - Mary Calmes
9. “I sprayed my dog with off and he still sits in my favorite chair!!” - Neil Leckman
10. “Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.” - Shaquille O'Neal
11. “There's something not quite Christian about it," Tony said. He sat back in his chair and looked up to where his Bible sat on the shelf. "I can't put my finger on why exactly, but it doesn't seem right for a couple of young ladies to be out there in the middle of the night, obsessing over their telescopes.” - Joey Comeau
12. “Oh hell. They've got Mrs B in a bag!” - L.J. Smith
13. “In the middle of the night I am awakened by a sound. I sit up abruptly in bed. I hear it again. It's music. Wait, it sounds like the ice cream man, in our house. Is this some kind of twisted nightmare? The flipping ice cream man, breaking in to chop us all up in our beds to the tune of 'Zippity Do Dah'?... My heart slows. I remember. There is no psycho ice cream man here. It is just our new musical soap dispenser...” - Deb Caletti
14. “As far as he was concerned, there were only two good positions for a human. A female on her back. And a male facedown not breathing.” - J.R. Ward
15. “And I'll wash your other clothes. Shall I also order you a new set of leathers?""Don't-" Wrath shut his mouth. "Sure. That'd be great. And, ah, could you get me some boxers? Black? XXL?” - J.R. Ward
16. “She shook her head as she confessed, "I want it so much, I'm afraid to hope." "Never be afraid to hope," Rohan said gently. "It's the only way to begin." -Rohan to Win” - Lisa Kleypas
17. “Fuckstockings!” - Christopher Moore
18. “He soon acquired the forlorn look that one sees in vegetarians.” - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
19. “I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.” - Neil Leckman
20. “Why does everything so bad for you always taste so dreamy?” - Colleen Houck
21. “...he spent whole days and nights over his books; and thus with little sleeping and much reading his brains dried up to such a degree that he lost the use of his reason.” - Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra
22. “Please put your penises away, gentlemen. Dinner is procured. By a woman.” - Kresley Cole
23. “All men are selfish, brutal and inconsiderate--and I wish I could find one.” - Shulamith Firestone
24. “I'd much rather have a brain of my own than be popular.” - Dori Hillestad Butler
25. “I can't forget things, or ignore them-bad things that happen," I said. "I'm a lay-it-all-out person, a dwell-on-it person, an obsess-about-it person. If I hold things in and try to forget or pretend, I become a madman and have panic attacks. I have to talk.” - E. Lockhart
26. “Which just goes to show, I guess, that dinner parties are like everything else - not as fragile as we think they are.” - Julie Powell
27. “The thing I hate about an argument is that it always interrupts a discussion.” - G.K. Chesterton
28. “Merlin's pants!” - J.K. Rowling
29. “And now leave me in peace for a bit! I don't want to answer a string of questions while I am eating. I want to think!""Good Heavens!" said Pippin. "At breakfast?” - J.R.R. Tolkien
30. “Obstinate, headstrong girl!” - Jane Austen
31. “Never call anyone a baboon unless you are sure of your facts.” - Will Cuppy
32. “The stork is voiceless because there is really nothing to say.” - Will Cuppy
33. “One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.” - Victor Borge
34. “I mingle with my peers or no one, and since I have no peers, I mingle with no one.” - John Kennedy Toole
35. “There's something to be said about drinking a carafe of wine by yourself ... I just can't remember at the moment what it is! (said after drinking a carafe of wine by himself)” - Gerard de Marigny
36. “She batted thoseeyelashes at me so hard I thought I felt a breeze.” - Maddie Dawson
37. “Damon Scares me,' Maggie said. 'Maybe you should do what he wants.''Can't.''Why not?''Because he killed me. That kind of pisses me off” - D.J. MacHale
38. “If they're not going to respect you, then they best damn well fear you.” - Carroll Bryant
39. “(About sweeping)....What he was in FACT doing was moving the dirt around with a broom, to give it a change of scenery and a chance to make new friends.” - Terry Pratchett
40. “(About a cookbook...)- What about this one? Maids of Honor?- Weeelll, they starts OUT as Maids of Honor...but they ends up Tarts.” - Terry Pratchett
41. “I'm sorry, but you just can't fit fabulous into a backpack.” - Samantha Sotto
42. “Shut up, you fool...Really. I’m running out of things to throw at you.” - K.M. Parr
43. “My best days are Monday through Friday, and Saturday and Sunday." "Ian," Wesley noted, "that covers the whole week." Ian nods his head. "Pretty much.” - Carroll Bryant
44. “If I had wanted children of my own, I would have gotten married. If I had wanted to get married, I would have fallen in love. If I had wanted to fall in love, I would have met the right girl. If I had wanted to meet the right girl, I would have drank a whole lot less.” - Carroll Bryant
45. “who me?"anita blake seriesby: Laurell K Hamilton” - Laurell K. Hamilton
46. “If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.” - Kinky Friedman
47. “I find it rude to laugh at a man with a sword.” - Derek Landy
48. “Plans are invitation to disappointment.” - Derek Landy
49. “Wow,” says Peter, “when your guidance counselor tells you to die, you really have problems.” - Adam Selzer
50. “I was stark raving mad, and my family was too polite to mention it. That's what living with the Yamanis does to people. They get so well-mannered they won't mention you're crazy.” - Tamora Pierce
51. “Writers cleave together like a demonic AA group - we are singularly able to dance with each other's devils...” - jd young
52. “...as nervous as a bird in a coal mine.” - Jim Butcher
53. “Are you calling us pigs?’ Froi asked, watching as Rafuel winced for the tenth time at the formality of Froi’s Charyn.Rafuel thought for a moment and then nodded.‘Actually yes, I am. Pig-like.’Froi turned back to Trevanion and Perri, who were discussing the need for longbow training in the rock village.‘What is it?’ Perri asked Froi.‘He said we eat like pigs.’Trevanion and Perri thought about it for a moment and then went back to their conversation.” - Melina Marchetta
54. “Today I feel like I did tomorrow.” - Carroll Bryant
55. “Three eggs two slices of toast a cup of coffee an episode of Mr. Ed. A Violin and a bowl of fruit what else does a man need?” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
56. “I have my welcome mat turned around backwards so when people leave they think they’re going to a better place.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
57. “Lots of ways to have your steak "Well done, medium rare, rare, bloody or fetch me a club".” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
58. “My boyfriend dumped me. My best friend won't talk to me. My future is in a garbage can. Everything has turned to crap. Can you please just let me be a sullen teenager. just this once” - JJ Johnson
59. “I was out of salt so I threw pepper over my left shoulder for luck and the poor guy behind me almost sneezed himself to death.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
60. “If you have more cavities than you have teeth you've led a 'Sweet' life.” - Stanley Victor Paskavich
61. “When someone says "just saying" what they really mean is, "You would be a colossal idiot to not take my advice." (on Facebook)” - Stephen Altrogge
62. “How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?” - Carroll Bryant
63. “Here she was, being rescued by a socialist, feminist, lesbian, baby-killing, foreign terrorist. What would the ladies in the sewing circle say to that?” - Hillary Jordan
64. “You can shit in one hand and wish in another and see which one gets full faster. Or... you can just take my word for it.” - C.V. Hunt
65. “I'm dating myself, but this was before Jesus Christ. We worshiped a God named Sashatiba, who had five eyes, including one on the Adam's apple.” - David Sedaris
66. “All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.” - Carroll Bryant
67. “Ish #109 "If MapQuest says make a right, go straight. You'll get there quicker.” - Regina Griffin
68. “Ish #1 "It's not your mama's macaroni and cheese if you used spaghetti noodles.” - Regina Griffin
69. “A smile is the best way to get oneself out of a tight spot, even if it is a fake one. Surprisingly enough, everyone takes it at face value. I read that in a book.""If you keep staring at me, I'll hit you.""I only became part of your team recently when I replaced Sasuke, so I don't know everything that's going on. I don't really understand people either. But even I can tell that Naruto really loves you. Naruto's been shouldering that promise for a long time...I think he means to shoulder it for the rest of his life. I don't know what you said to him, but it's just like what's been done to me - it feels like a curse. Sasuke causes Naruto pain, but I think you do too.""Sasuke is only helping spread his darkness across the world. Letting him live will only sow the seeds of another war. He's just another criminal now. Sasuke lost all hope of coming back when his group, Akatsuki, attacked our village. Your fellow Konoha shinobi would never accept him now. Sakura's not stupid, either. She understands the position he's put us all in. That's why she came out here, to tell you herself.” - Naruto Shippuden
70. “I know that not all my readers like my digressions, but the research that has been done on Caenorhabditis elegans is such a ringing triumph of science that you aren't going to stop me.” - Richard Dawkins
71. “Didn't anyone tell you that size doesn't matter?""Yes, but I told him to put his pants back on and go home.” - Christine Warren
72. “You learn to smile even in you liver?''Even in my lire, Ketut. Big smile in my liver.” - Elizabeth Gilbert
73. “"If you want that kind of thing, call Nick. His advice is shit, but he really likes to give it.” - Kelley Armstrong
74. “Well, Ben says you have to be married to get a girl pregnant. And me and Cindy are not married, so she couldn't get pregnant, see?” - Scylar Tyberius
75. “5. Television is of great educational value. It teaches you while still really young how to (a) kill, (b) rob, (c) embezzle, (d) shoot, (e) poison, and generally speaking, (f) how to grow up into a Wild West outlaw or gangster by the time you leave school.6. Television puts a stop to crime because all the burglars and robbers, instead of going to burgle and rob, sit at home watching The Lone Ranger, Emergency Ward Ten and Dotto.” - George Mikes
76. “I like fish," chirruped Tunstell."Really, Mr. Tunstell? What is your preferred breed?""Well"--Tunstell hesitated--"you know, the um, ones that"--he made a swooping motion with both hands--"uh, swim.” - Gail Carriger
77. “Once I got home, though, and saw several packages on my front porch, all the crap from the day disappeared. A few had smiley faces on them. Squealing, I grabbed the boxes. Books were inside-- new release books I'd preordered weeks ago.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout
78. “The worst thing about the dead rising? (Other than, you know, all the zombies?) The smell. Nothing kills the mood like the odor of three day old road kill and poo... -Katherine Anita Cho(KyCH)” - Shawn Durnin
79. “Darcy’s hand suddenly rammed angrily into a bowl of fruit and grasped an innocent, unsuspecting orange. “Enough. The woman is demented. Our marriage is simply something to which she must become adjusted. She insulted Elizabeth and her family, and in so doing, she insulted me.” With an expression as black as pitch, Darcy commenced to vivisecting the orange. By the time he finished with said orange, it was completely dead, thoroughly dead, with no semblance remaining of its prior orange existence.” - Karen V. Wasylowski
80. “I only have so much willpower, Helen," he whispered. "And since you apparently sleep in the most ridiculously transparent tank top I've ever seen, I'm going to have to ask you to get under the covers before I do something stupid.” - Josephine Angelini
81. “Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be."Foolhardy?" Kelsier asked with a laugh. "that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. "By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years""We'll fix that" Kelsier promised.” - Brandon Sanderson
82. “He'd never asked for an exciting life. What he really liked, what he sought on every occasion, was boredom. The trouble was that boredom tended to explode in your face. Just when he thought he'd found it he'd be suddenly involved in what he supposed other people - thoughtless, feckless people - would call an adventure. And he'd be forced to visit many strange lands and meet exotic and colourful people, although not for very long because usually he'd be running. He'd seen the creation of the universe, although not from a good seat, and had visited Hell and the afterlife. He'd been captured, imprisoned, rescued, lost and marooned. Sometimes it had all happened on the same day.” - Terry Pratchett
83. “He said that it was very difficult to become an astronaut. I said that I knew. You had to become an officer in the air force and you had to take lots of orders and be prepared to kill other human beings, and I couldn't take orders. Also I didn't have 20/20 vision, which you needed to be a pilot.” - Mark Haddon
84. “A friend told me that one day he and I would be rich and famous. I told him that I'd trade my half of the fame, for his half of the money.” - Quentin R. Bufogle
85. “Does my grandma count as a bodyguard?” - Holly Hood
86. “Was it fate? Was it destiny?""I think it was Alan Blunt.” - Anthony Horowitz
87. “Do you know why Satan is so angry all the time? Because whenever he works a particularly clever bit of mischief God uses it to serve his own Rigteous purposes.""So God uses wicked people as his tools?""God gives us the freedom to to do great evil, if we choose, then He uses his own freedom to create goodness out of that evil, for that is what He chooses.""So, in the long run, God always wins?""Yes, in the short run though it can be uncomfortable.” - Orson Scott Card
88. “How come I have too many things to do all the time...??” - Hiroko Sakai
89. “If somebody tells me what to do, I will do my best not to do it.” - Hiroko Sakai
90. “Talk about insanity. Being attracted to deVries was like a month saying, "Hey, let's go check out that awesome bonfire".” - Cherise Sinclair
91. “Chyna Shepherd, untouched and alive and able to pee.” - Dean Koontz
92. “Who’d have thought your screwball brother could have gone so serial-killer fucktwat insane?” - Larissa Ione
93. “Nature" doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, "Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.” - Pat Connid
94. “Any day above ground is a good day.” - Robert Gerus
95. “She's realized the real problem with stories -- if you keep them going long enough, they always end in death.” - Neil Gaiman
96. “And I remind you of your mother now? I have got to look into a manlier cologne.” - Cassandra Clare
97. “Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.”“Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a compliment?” - E.A. Bucchianeri
98. “I have no clue. I have ovaries; therefore, I repel all things mechanical.” - M. Leighton
99. “I like stories about supervillains. They teach children that you can accomplish great things even when the whole world is against you.” - G.D. Falksen
100. “you don't know until you know!” - Ruth Lizana-Jackson
101. “We were encouraged to propose safetyprevention suggestions, and write them all down— locking doors, walking or exercising with a friend, wearing shoes that don’t hinder running. Erin’s suggestion of “Avoid assholes” was popular.” - Tammara Webber
102. “Still trying to save the world?” “Always,” I said, “and in case you haven’t noticed, it’s working. The world is still here.” - Nicole Williams
103. “Your ma's dating?" Tim looks shocked. "I thought she pretty much confined herself to a vibrator and the shower nozzle since your dad screwed her over.” - Huntley Fitzpatrick
104. “For the hackneyed art of lying without injury to anyone, Rushbrook, to his shame, was proficient.” - Elizabeth Inchbald
105. “One of the things I love about labeling myself as an author is that I can read books and call it "researching writing styles."--Mike Mankoff” - Mike Mankoff
106. “If you ever find yourself in the wrong story, leave.” - Mo Willems
107. “Jewish vampires: Crosses & holy water won’t hurt me whatcha gonna try next?” - Tasha Turner
108. “An Irishman walks into a pub,” she begins and the bar went silent. “The bartender asks him, ‘What'll you have?’” Her Irish accent was spot on. “The man says, ‘Give me three pints of Guinness, please.’ The bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.“The bartender says, ‘Sir, no need to order as many at a time. I’ll keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh one.’ The man replies, ‘You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, me brothers have three Guinness stouts too, and we're drinking together.’“The bartender thought this a wonderful tradition and every week the man came in and ordered three beers.” January’s playing and voice became more solemn, dramatic. “But one week, he ordered only two.” The crowd oohed and ahhed. “He slowly drank them,” she continued darkly, “and then ordered two more. The bartender looked at him sadly. ‘Sir, I know your tradition, and, agh, I'd just like to say that I'm sorry for your loss.’“The man looked on him strangely before it finally dawned on him. ‘Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking.” - Fisher Amelie
109. “He never did get right all the way again. And every once in a while he'd come down all bitey.” - Jonathan Maberry
110. “And I'll have you know that if you hurt my son again, if he so much as sighs sadly over his coffee, I will hire a man, a Russian, probably, to hunt you down and rip all that shiny black hair from your head, then break your skinny arms and legs, and set you on fire, and then put you out with a hammer. And should there be children from your beastly rutting, I shall have the Russian man cut them to tiny pieces and feed them to Madame Jacob's dog. because, although he may be only a worthless, simpleminded, libertine artist, Lucien is my favorite, and I will not have him hurt. Do you understand?” - Christopher Moore
111. “He was rather a low sort of pony. The fact is, he had been originally jobbed out by the day, and he never quite got over his old habits. He was clever in melodrama too, but too broad--too broad. When the mother died, he took the port-wine business.''The port-wine business!' cried Nicholas.'Drinking port-wine with the clown,' said the manager; 'but he was greedy, and one night bit off the bowl of the glass, and choked himself, so his vulgarity was the death of him at last.” - Charles Dickens
112. “I don't need new boots I got bluchers back down home. Eff the effing bluchers I'll buy you new adjectival effing elastic sided boots.” - Peter Carey
113. “Mother said we had reached the Age of Reason and had to be good now. We must have because we wanted Willy Starr instead.” - Marie Clair
114. “Time flies when you're falling down"...(not from a book, it's a lyric)” - Courtney Love
115. “Ooooohh, I heard you had an STD, but I thought it was just a rumor. Does it really burn?" - Moose in reference to Jadyn's "burning bush" -” - Jillian Dodd
116. “There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions and slight southeasterly curvature of his manhood.” - Félix J. Palma
117. “On a cooler sun on a primordial earth: "I later learned that biologists, when they are feeling jocose, refer to this as the 'Chinese Resaturant Problem'--because we has a dim sun.” - Bill Bryson
118. “We fell to wrestling again. We rolled all over the floor, in each other's arms, like two huge helpless children. He was naked and goatish under his robe, and I felt suffocated as he rolled over me. I rolled over him. We rolled over me. They rolled over him. We rolled over us.” - Vladimir Nabokov
119. “It's Salvation. When Jen told me I had a vision. A vision Rena. I think I saw the blessed mother smiling and she was hold ing a loofa.[In regards to moving out of dorms and having three bathrooms between 4 roomates]” - Nora Roberts
120. “I cannot see you anymore. Your ego spans higher than the Himalayas.” Sutara” - Eleni Papanou
121. “This isn't sex."I blinked. "Oh. Then what is it?""An emergency!"I started to argue and then thought twice about it. Considering what Mircea would do to Pritkin if he ever found out about this...Yeah. Emergency sounded good.” - Karen Chance
122. “I didn't feel strong. I felt like a big ball of wuss that wanted to curl up in my bed and never get out.” - Diane Castle
123. “DISARM ALL RAPISTSBut what will we doWith their legs?” - Chocolate Waters
124. “My mouth was dry. Whispers carried on the wind as the maids around me bunched together in small groups, hysterical, morbid. I thought: who will clean the mess?” - A.E. Croft
125. “For it was intelligence that was the thin line between endearing rapscallion and idiot bastard. - Éibhear the Contemptible” - G.A. Aiken
126. “Malory! You've got a chipmunk on your pussy!” - Tamara Thorne
127. “I turned on the television and watched a movie about a girl who’d fallen in love with both a vampire and a werewolf. I’d already seen it a million times, so my eyelids grew heavy, fairly quickly. Ten minutes later I was out cold in my bed and dreaming of Duncan, who turned into a werewolf and was trying to kill my own vampire boyfriend. Every time I tried to see the vampire’s face, however, it was a blur.” - Kristen Middleton
128. “Liberace was certainly master and commander of the ivories ~ he is the only pianist I can watch or listen to without suffering a case of 'Stagefright Sympathy Sickness'.” - E.A. Bucchianeri
129. “T. Wiggett Jones: It should be illegal...to feel this rotten...without a variety of loathsome memories to cherish.Wild Wild West (TV) First Season: Night of the Grand Emir” - Michael Garrison
130. “Dr. Loveless: Dang these pine needles. Why can't a forest be decently carpeted?Wild Wild West (TV) Second Season: Night of the Green Terror” - Michael Garrison
131. “So. Monday. We meet again.We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.” - Julio-Alexi Genao
132. “I nod and smile and smile and nod, and when she turns away, I form a gun with my hand, place it to my temple, and pull the trigger. This girl is starved for attention. It's amazing to me when people are totally unaware of how bad they are at socializing.” - Victoria Scott
133. “Jim Rosato was recently married, to a Greek nurse. Rosato was half Irish and half Italian, and there was a pool on at the 1st as to which of the two would arrive at work wearing the other's skin as a hat within the year.” - Warren Ellis
134. “... a metaphor ... is like lying but more decorative.” - Terry Pratchett
