145 Hilarious And Witty Quotes

Laughter is truly the best medicine, and there's nothing quite like a perfectly timed witty quote to lighten the mood and bring a smile to your face. Whether you're looking to add a bit of humor to your day or searching for the right words to share with friends, our curated collection of the top 145 hilarious and witty quotes is sure to deliver. From timeless classics to contemporary quips, each quote in this collection offers a delightful dose of humor and insight. So sit back, relax, and get ready to chuckle your way through some of the finest witty words ever spoken.

1. “The recipe for great art has always been misery and a good bowel movement.” - Don Roff

2. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” - Rodney Dangerfield

3. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” - Phyllis Diller

4. “The old woman was the kind who would not cut down a large old tree because it was a large old tree.” - Flannery O'Connor

5. “The magician stood erect, menacing the attackers with demons, metamorphoses, paralyzing ailments, and secret judo holds. Molly picked up a rock.” - Peter S. Beagle

6. “Critter: I was fairly relieved when Sea took off on her own. She was wearing some two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, practically forcing my eyes to home in on “the girls,” and all I could think was I’m going to turn into a pillar of salt.” - Lara M. Zeises

7. “Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.” - Erica Jong

8. “Then I say, "Let's go and brush our teeth." So Lola says, "But Charlie, I can't brush my teeth because somebody is using my tooth." "But who would use your toothbrush?" I ask. Lola says "I think that lion. I saw a lion with my toothbrush and now he's brushing his teeth with it." "But it isn't this your toothbrush Lola?" "Oh," says Lola, "he must be using yours.” - Lauren Child

9. “Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?” the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly. “Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!” growled Mad-Eye. “Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore . . .” He stumped off toward the kitchen. “And I saw that,” he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.” - J.K. Rowling

10. “Gimme an S! A T! An O! A C! Followed by a K-H-O-L-M! What's it spell? HEAD FUCK.- Jane” - J.R. Ward

11. “But there's a juicy artery in your groin," he said after a pause to regroup, his voice as slithery as a snake on a slide."Don't you talk dirty," I told him. "I won't listen to that.” - Charlaine Harris

12. “Our nannas are losers.” - Barbara Park

13. “Yep those are goosebumps. Or a bad case of arm acne. Or as I call it, armcne.” - Daniel Waters

14. “By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.” - Alison Croggon

15. “Nothing is funnier than unhappiness.” - Samuel Beckett

16. “Wow. What'd he do to deserve that? Rescue orphans from a burning building? If so, you might want to make sure he didn't set the building on fire in the first place.” - Richelle Mead

17. “He'd barely seen me coming, and despite the horribleness of what I'd just done, I kind of wished one of my instructors had been there to grade me on such an awesome performance.” - Richelle Mead

18. “We have all been empowered by the web: everyone with a keyboard can now effectively broadcast to a national audience. In a sense, it puts each of us on the same footing as the major media conglomerates, except for AOL, who now apparently own all our thoughts and teeth.” - John Hodgman

19. “(Sookie's Thoughts on Debbie Pelt) she had been cruel to Alcide, insulted me grievously, burned a hole in my favorite wrap and—oh—tried to kill me by proxy. Also, she had stupid hair.” - Charlaine Harris

20. “Whew,” he said. “You clean up good. You don’t look like the same girl.”She frowned right before she laughed. “Do women usually thank you for saying things like that?” - Robyn Carr

21. “I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside” - Jessica Verday

22. “Zebrowski says that if you killed someone else just hide the body, he's not starting over on the paperwork.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

23. “Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.” - Jack Benny

24. “Abandoned babies are unfortunate unwanted results of a once urgent desire to have an orgasm” - David Cross

25. “She'd met Colin on a Monday.She'd kissed him on a Friday.Twelve years later.She sighed. It seemed fairly pathetic.” - Julia Quinn

26. “I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.” - J.L. Langley

27. “What part of Canada are you from, honey?""THE LEFT PART," said Jay.” - Adam Rex

28. “Poncho was in a red mood slanging with rage and needed to cook himself out of it , while shoving handfuls of salted peanuts down his gullet and slurping ice cold Fanta” - Saira Viola

29. “I hated that the soldier doll had my name. I mean, please. I didn't play with him much. He was another Christmas present from my clueless grandparents. One time when they were visiting, my grandpa asked me if G.I. Joe had been in any wars lately. I said, "No, but he and Ken got married last week." Every Christmas since then, my grandparents have sent me a check.” - James Howe

30. “He swiveled his head towards Eddie. "Tell me how to get over to the Four Lads. Do I have to die again?"If he did, he had a Beretta on him and he knew what kicking the bucket from a gunshot was like. Snore."Don't bother." Adrian cracked his knuckles. "They're not going to tell you anything. They can't."What the fuck? "I thought I worked for them.""You work for both sides, and they've given you all the help they can."Jim looked back and forth between the two angels. Each of them had the tight expression of a guy with a shoestring noosing up his balls."Help?" he said. "Where's my goddamned help?""They gave you us, asshole," Adrian snapped. "And that's all they can do--I've already gone over and asked them who's supposed to be next. I figured it would help you, you ungrateful bastard.” - J.R. Ward

31. “Yo, beautiful. Come pop this collar off me.”Natalya hissed, “Are you mad?”“What’s she gonna do? Vivisect me? Imprison me? We’ve got a pact to fulfill,remember?” To Dorada, she cried, “Seriously, sweetheart, shake that mummified ass over here.”Regin kicked the glass. “Lemme the fuck out—”La Dorada swung her head around,peering at Regin with her one eye.“Okay. That’s freaky. Lookit, Gollum, if you spring me, I’ll help you find your Precious.” - Kresley Cole

32. “On the forest floor was the LVR's smoldering ceiling panel, just lying there like the lid of a sardine can that had been eagerly and violently thrown away by someone who very much liked sardines.” - Cuthbert Soup

33. “Everybody just lets the media do their thinking for them... that's why you'll never hear any reggae on the radio!” - Daniel Clowes

34. “The following is a list of statements made many years ago by experts in their fields. At the time they were said they sounded intelligent. With the passing of time, they sound idiotic.” - Sean Covey

35. “If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.” - Sam levenson

36. “Mr. Right is coming, but he's in Africa and he's walking.” - Oprah Winfrey

37. “Paddle Harder” - Lauren Myracle

38. “My congratulations to you, sir. Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good. ” - Samuel Johnson

39. “You were with Margo Roth Spiegelman last night? At THREE A.M.? I nodded. Alone? I nodded. Oh my God, if you hooked up with her, you have to tell me every single thing that happened. You have to write me a term paper on the look and feel of Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts. Thrity pages, minimum! I want you to do a photo-realistic pencil drawing. A sculpture would also be acceptable. I was wondering if it would be possible for you to write a sestina about Margo Roth Spiegelman's breasts? Your six words are: pink, round, firmness, succulent, supple, and pillowy. Personally, I think at least one of the words should be buhbuhbuhbuh.” - John Green

40. “I tell you, I'm half tempted to break into CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon out of CIA custody just so I can break Joe Solomon.” - Ally Carter

41. “You know how teachers tell you the magic word is 'please'? That's not true. The magic word is 'puke'. It will get you out of class faster than anything else.” - Rick Riordan

42. “I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is," said Gateman when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided."What terrible smell?""The air," said Gateman. "It smells...different.""That's called oxygen," said Professor Boxley. "Freh air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen.” - Cuthbert Soup

43. “Dear Literary World, Sorry for breaking down your door...I'll pay for that!!! Since I'm here and planning to stay a while, let me tell you some stories!!” - CK Webb

44. “Oh! That was poetry!" said Pippin. "Do you really mean to start before the break of day?” - J.R.R. Tolkien

45. “Sei: The Kudzu snacks were so good I had two and a half bowls but seeing you eat 16 and a half bowls was disgusting. I sriously considered killing you.Okita: You're horrible! Besides then I'd bleed Kudzu snacks!Sei: NOO! STOP!!! I CAN SEE IT!! I'LL HAVE NIGHTMARES!!” - Taeko Watanabe

46. “Let me get this straight. I can't take the vampire with me because if I remove the stake, he can kill us all. Now I can't take the girl because she's what? some kind of ninja witch?” - Tate Hallaway

47. “Since when are you so 'faithful'? just a couple of years ago you would show up in your tight jeans and borrow our car to pick up one of your five girlfriends. You think that beard makes you a man of God?” - Dalia Sofer

48. “The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.” - Charles Dickens

49. “A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” - Bob Hope

50. “Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.” - Jack London

51. “Christopher throws dandelion head after dandelion head into his bag. It's getting heavy now and his fingers are stained from the work but there are still so many left to kill. His biggest mistake is giving them names.” - Brian Martinez

52. “Be careful you don't cut yourself. The edges are sharp enough to shave with.''Girls don't shave', Arya said.'Maybe they should. Have you ever seen the septa's legs?” - George R.R. Martin

53. “I'm talking about doing something good for mankind. Imagine how awesome everyone would feel if they knew all that holy stuff was real." -Gregori"Stuff? Four years of giving sermons, and that what I get back? Holy stuff?” - Kerrelyn Sparks

54. “You want me to be a man,older than you, who goes by the name of Roullard.” - Wendelin Van Draanen

55. “Then it suddenly and theatrically began to clean itself in the way cats do when they want you to know what a big deal you aren't.” - Adam Rex

56. “One more lesson like that and I might just do a Weasley.” - J.K. Rowling

57. “If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.” - Richard Kadrey

58. “Percy: I’ll walk down to the cabins and Connor and Travis are stealing stuff from the camp store, and Silena is arguing with Annabeth trying to give her a new makeover, and Clarisse is still sticking the new kids’ head into the toilets. It’s nice that some things never change.” - Rick Riordan

59. “Gundar seemed to come to a decision. "Well, as my old mam used to say, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, it's probably a duck." "Very wise," Halt said. "And what exactly do your mother's words of wisdom have to do with this situation?" Gundar shrugged. "It looks like a channel. It's the right place for a channel. If I were digging one, this is where I'd dig a channel. So. . ." "So it's probably the channel?" Selethen said. Gundar grinned at him. "Either that or it's a duck.” - John Flanagan

60. “I've had so many bikini waxes, I cry every time I see a Popsicle stick.” - Libba Bray

61. “You can read minds, and you didn't tell me?” Link stared at me like he just found out I was the Silver Surfer. He rubbed his head nervously. “Hey, man, all that stuff about Lena? I was yankin’ your chain.” He looked away. “Are you doin’ it now? You're doin’ it, aren't you? Dude, get out of my head.” He backed away from me and into the bookshelf.“I can't read your mind, you idiot.” - Kami Garcia

62. “May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch” - Keisha Keenleyside

63. “Yes," he said. "I am sure. I double-checked everything after you went home yesterday. I even made a few improvements, just in case." The first part of that reassured her. The second part... not so much. "What kind of improvements?" "Oh, nothing, really. Mostly just streamlining. You really did very well; I certainly don't want you to think that I am one of those people who has to be in control all the- Oh, well, I suppose that's actually true- I do have to be in control all the time. But only because I am in charge, of course.” - Rachel Caine

64. “I will receive it sir with all diligence of spirit. Put your bonnet to his right use, 'tis for the head.OSRIC I thank you lordship, it is very hot.HAMLET No believe me, 'tis very cold, the wind is northerly.OSRIC It is indifferent cold my lord, indeed.HAMLET But yet methinks it is very sultry and hot for my complexion.OSRIC Exceedingly my lord, it is very sultry, as 'twere - I cannot tell how. But my lord, his majesty bade me signify to you that a has laid a great wager on your head. Sir, this is the matter -HAMLET I beseech you remember.(Hamlet moves him to put on his hat)” - William Shakespeare

65. “What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning-- and a child's more imporant than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.” - Lewis Carroll

66. “You set fire to my house, killed my family, and ate my dog. But steal my boyfriend? That's a step too far.” - Libba Bray

67. “Make sure the seaweed lies flat.''Okay.''Leave an inch below the knee.''Okay.''It's got to be loose enough to put a finger in the top.''Sean Kendrick.' I say it emphatically enough that the stallion's ears prick toward me. (...)Sean doesn't appear to be at all apologetic. 'I think you'd better let me do that after all.''You're the one who had me in here in the first place.' I say. 'Now I think it's you who doesn't trust me.''It's not just you,' He replies.I glower at him. 'Well, I'll tell you what. I'll hold him and you wrap. That way, when it's done wrong, there's only yourself to slap. And take your jacket. I'm tired of holding it.” - Maggie Stiefvater

68. “I handed him a beaker and toyed with the pleats of my skirt. The folds kept rippling against my knees in a distracting way. It was one of Naomi's additions to my wardrobe. I quickly decided that I hated it.” - Andrea Cremer

69. “I suddenly realize that I'm naked, which shouldn't bother me since it's the phone, but for some reason it does. "How's it hanging?" Kyra asks and now I think I'm blushing. It's just an expression, but jeez!” - Barry Lyga

70. “No, officer, I have no idea why I'm wearing this possum costume. I called you what? OH. My bad."-Nastasya” - Cate Tiernan

71. “I don't need shoes. I need a night scope. You think they sell night scopes someplace here?” - Janet Evanovich

72. “Go slowly, so that you do not bite your tail by accident.” - Christopher Paolini

73. “Are there any other missing persons living under your roof? Elvis? Jimmy Hoffa? Amelia Earhart? I'd just like full disclosure now, before we go any further.” - Maggie Stiefvater

74. “I don’t want to freeze my eggs. I don’t want to visit a sperm bank. I don’t want to be a single parent, if I have any choice in the matter. I want a nuclear family. I want to put down roots, to let my seeds germinate, to watch them bloom and flourish. Not one day, if and when I ever fall in love again, but now. While I still have my youth, damn it.” - Monica Pradhan

75. “This doesn't mean you're getting a discount."Audrey heaved a mock sigh. "Oh well. I guess I'll have to ply you with sexual favors, then."Gnome choked on the soup. "I'm old enough to be your grandfather!"Audrey winked at him, gathering the empty bags. "But you're not.” - Ilona Andrews

76. “The only way to make sure that the Hand didn't get to you would have been to kill your brother. I could've done it, but I didn't. I just gave him some drugs.""You gave an addict in rehab drugs, and you want credit for it?""Of course it sounds bad when you put it that way.” - Ilona Andrews

77. “That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.” - Ilona Andrews

78. “And I meant to tell you: that was a one-in-a-thousand shot."She raised her hand. "Don't.""It was awesome," George confirmed. "It really was," Jack said. "His head exploded.” - Ilona Andrews

79. “Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.” - Maureen F. McHugh

80. “She moved to pinch me again but I blocked her hand. I'm no expert on girls, but when one tries to pinch you four times, I'm pretty sure that's flirting.” - Ransom Riggs

81. “Читать же не любил, последнюю книгу осилил примерно сто тридцать два года назад и помнил только то, что она помогала ему засыпать.” - Вадим Панов

82. “Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses. He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!” - Golda Meir

83. “Your... Your aura. It's... amazing. It's shining. I mean, it always shines, but today... Well I've never seen anything like it. I didn't expect that after everything that happened.'I shifted around uncomfortably. If I lit up around Dimitri normally, what on earth happened to my aura post-sex?” - Richelle Mead

84. “Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing. So I headed over to his house and waited outside until he left. And now he’s at McDonald’s, and I’m following him to see where else he’s going.” MySpace is seriously going to be responsible for everyone losing their minds.” - Lauren Barnholdt

85. “When I said it aloud, it sounded terribly creepy, which is why I had said it aloud.” - Amanda Hocking

86. “To be, or not to be: what a question!” - E.A. Bucchianeri

87. “IMBECILE!" the chef shouted. "Next time why don't you just put your whole HAND in the food, hey? Yes, your whole hand, or maybe your FACE! I arrange the food on plates with care, are you understanding what I am telling you? It is part of the art form of cooking, yes? A lovely plate of food is a thing of beauty! And then you, NUMBSKULL, come along and put your fat greasy FINGERS all over my plate, and SHAKE the plate, and move my food all around the plate until it looks like pigs' vomit!""Chef Vlad!" I cried out in delight.” - Kenneth Oppel

88. “That streetside tree is obscuring the air. Cut it down. Haul it in for questioning. There are secrets within that foliage. You might want to separate the branches in different rooms and apply some elementary game theory.”“Question a plant?”“Trees have a will too, just like people. We have to know it’s purpose. Read Schopenhauer.”“Schopenwho?”“He was the only authentic German. You might like him. Being a police officer, you’re undoubtedly familiar with the need to put an end to the lives of the perverse when sex crimes go too far. Now just generalize that necessity to every human being.” - Benson Bruno

89. “Just this past summer, I took online courses in introductory logic and law through civilization. Often the weight of history, with its facts heaped upon facts requiring complex chains of inference to sort through – I mean complex for someone with the soft brain of a tomato merchant; for me the premises are obvious and the conclusions dire and inescapable – threatened to crush me, and I was ultimately forced to abandon the whole undertaking. By way of recovery, I spent the rest of the summer immersed in a Freudian meditation on some choice tabloids. The mysterious lives of celebrities make for challenging induction. The reasoning process involves navigating many gaps in our knowledge of them. What is certain is that under the iceberg of glitz and glamor lie neurotic, depraved individuals with bizarre habits and hobbies, people who think they’re above the law.” - Benson Bruno

90. “She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.” - Stieg Larsson

91. “I'm taller than my father, and taller than two of the stones at Ban Drochaid.""I meant in feet," she clarified. Speaking of the mundane gave her a measure of calm.He eyed his boots a moment and appeared to be doing some rapid calculations.” - Karen Marie Moning

92. “Bryan helped me up.  "How can you be so good one minute then clumsy the next?"I shrugged.  "I've never been very athletic.  Not unless you count fencing.""You made fences?” - John Corwin

93. “Okay, well I think the programme is like being screamed at for an hour by a drunk with a strobe-light, but like I said--” - David Nicholls

94. “My father chose my name , and my last name was chosen by my ancestors . That’s enough, I myself choose my way” - Ali Shariati

95. “If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.” - Bauvard

96. “He stood and inhaled, then walked a few more feet, stooped, and prodded a chunk of rabbit fur.“I’m definitely thinking something with more body parts,” I said. “Like a head.”He gave a snort of a laugh. “It’s probably around here somewhere, but I suppose you want the parts attached, too.” - Kelley Armstrong

97. “Married?" she practically screeched, not sounding all that pleased, which left him feeling a little offended. "We're not getting married."He snorted at that. "I may have let you have your naughty little way with me for the past couple of months, but that doesn't mean I'm going to allow you to keep treating me like some dirty little boy toy. If you want to live with me then I expect you to put a ring on my finger," he said, holding up his left hand and wiggling his ring finger to punctuate his words.” - R.L. Mathewson

98. “How come I have too many things to do all the time...??” - Hiroko Sakai

99. “But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.” - Darynda Jones

100. “Hey, princess of Popsicles! Queen of curlicue cones.” - Wendy Higgins

101. “If you turn into a hideous monster and I am sent to slay you, I will remember this and make it as painless as I can, out of respect for you.” - Jim Butcher

102. “We should go swimming," Anna says, out of the blue. (...)Danny looks at her like she just suggested knocking over the closest liquor store. Which wouldn't be such a bad idea, on second thought, considering how fast Laney, Seth and Anna are working through the tequila bottle. "Uh sure, if catching pneumonia's your idea of a fun time. I don't want to freeze my balls off. I'm rather attached to them. Literally and figuratively.” - Hannah Harrington

103. “Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.” - Bauvard

104. “The amount of educational programming on television today is simply desensitizing. The only reason left to go to school is to see gun violence.” - Bauvard

105. “Men only treat women like princesses when they want to use them like prostitutes.” - Bauvard

106. “He'd given her the mother of all hangovers - a run-in with the wrath of grapes.” - Kresley Cole

107. “It's been going on for days now! On and on and on for days! If I hear one more sexual-chemistry-charged and mutually misunderstood argument I'm going to shoot the pair of you!” - Dave Stone

108. “Somehow, having a deer preside over the ceremony of a werewolf and a girl seems oddly appropriate.” - Maggie Stiefvater

109. “You know what they say, Two pairs a company, cheese a croud” - Annoying Orange

110. “Uh- you shouldn't mock orange if I were you - Why not?*everyone sings* He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you*orange starts singing*Hey buddy bannanaYou live in a habanayou small like a cabanabut sdon't worry it's gonna be great somedayReally?Orange: Nope..Not really*Everyone sings*He will He will mock youHe will He will mock you.” - Annoying Orange

111. “Orange: Uh OhMario: Uh oh what?Orange.... Uh-Oh spaghettio's *LAUGH*Mario: Not Funny” - Annoying Orange

112. “If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.” - Dana Marie Bell

113. “Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.” - Louis C.K.

114. “Don’t lick the guests, darling. Bad manners.” - Patricia Briggs

115. “I grabbed my purse, which was conveniently place by the front door. Gabriel was such a considerate abductor/host. He even left the front door unpadlocked.” - Molly Harper

116. “Dick called, but he just left dirty voice-mail messages. Let's just say if I'm ever in the market for a massage involving canola oil and marabou feathers, I'm covered.” - Molly Harper

117. “She's packed her topside fundamentals so tight into her low-cut dress that it's only a matter of time before she busts her banks.” - Moira Young

118. “How much of my fever-induced dream was real? I felt safe assuming that my time as a bee was fiction, as well as a few mythological animals that I swear I'd seen. Then I'd lived on the sun with aliens.” - Cora Carmack

119. “My prerogative right now is to just chill and let all the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly (magazine) be your entertainment.” - Britney Spears

120. “Dave? This is John.""What are you-"Alive?"-in an ambulance or something?""Yes and no. Are you still at the police station?""Yeah. We were both-""Have I died yet?” - David Wong

121. “‎"Repeat that?""It's National Talk Like a Pirate Day. Didn't you know?""Somehow I missed the memo.""You mean, 'Somehow I missed the memo, arrr!'""Precisely. Arr. So, Mrs. Jack... Er, is that still your name? Or, I tremble to ask, have you adopted a pirate identity?""Arr, matey, of course I have! It's..." She pulled an eggplant from the grocery bag. "Captain Eggplantier." She needed to stop speaking the first words that popped into her mind."Captain Eggplanteir." He sounded very doubtful. "That's right. A family name. It's Belgian.” - Shannon Hale

122. “I'd feel a whole lot better about the two of us if you didn't think I was the go-to guy for breaking and entering.” - Rachel Caine

123. “Are you decent?" a woman's voice called, pushing the door cautiously ajar. "Nay, but we're clothed," Cian purred.” - Karen Marie Moning

124. “Did you feed the fish?”Nick closed his eyes. “Alexa, I’m working.” She made a rude snort. “So am I. But atleast I worry about poor Otto. Did you feed him?”“Otto?”“You kept calling him Fish. That hurt his feelings.”“Fish don’t have feelings. And yes, I fed him.”“Fish certainly do have feelings. And while we’re discussing Otto, I wanted to tell you I’m worried about him. He’s placed in the study and no one ever goes in there. Why don’t we move him into the living room where he can see us more often?” - Jennifer Probst

125. “Adina appealed to the sky. "We asked for rescue and you sent us incompetent rockstar pirates with a broken ship and perfect abs?""Thank you, God," Petra said.” - Libba Bray

126. “I prey on innocent villagers and terrify their children," he said with a nasty smile. "And sometimes when I'm feeling really evil, I read books or paint.” - Kate Avery Ellison

127. “Every other girl in school thinks you're the hottest thing sincethe microwave.” - Linda Kage

128. “For reasons that will become obvious, I call this story, "There's a Horse in My Living Room." It's about how I wound up with a horse in my living room.” - June Foray

129. “The girl says "Oh uh-uh, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a whore!" Which is true, Gentlemen, that is true. Just because they dress a certain way doesn't mean they are a certain way. Don't even forget it. But ladies, you must understand that is fucking confusing. It just is. Now that would be like me, Dave Chappelle, the comedian, walking down the street in a cop uniform. Somebody might run up on me saying, "Oh, thank God. Officer, help us! Come on. They're over here. Help us!" "Oh-hoh! Just because I'm dressed this way does not make me a police officer!" See what I mean? All right, ladies, fine. You are not a whore. But you are wearing a whore's uniform.” - Dave Chappelle

130. “He told me that if you yelled out "JAMBA!" at full volume, all the employees would yell back "JUICE!" He lied.” - Morgan Matson

131. “Luis is right there.” I point to the corner of the yard, where my little brother is the centre of attention doing imitations of barnyard animals. I have yet to inform him that talent isn’t as much of a chick magnet when you get into junior high.” - Simone Elkeles

132. “Whoever invented the spork should be killed.” - Neal Shusterman

133. “The Professor doesn’t have a problem being called Dick? If my name was Richard, I’d go by Richard or Rich . . . not Dick. Hell, I’d even settle for being called Chard.” - Simone Elkeles

134. “A traveling salesman was driving in the country when his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay overnight. "Sure," said the farmer, "My wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are twenty-one and twenty-three, but they're off to college, and I'm all by myself, so I have lots of room to put you up." Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back toward the highway.The farmer called after him, "Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.""I heard you," said the salesman, "but I think I'm in the wrong joke.” - Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein

135. “You just ruined a perfectly delicious Danish!” I squawk at him.“Man,” he laughs, “note to self, don't mess with Elle’s pastries.”I scrape a giant hunk off my chin and smush it across his lips. He licks them and moans.“Oh man, that is seriously one amazing Danish.”“Now you understand.” I laugh at him. I wipe my face off and we finish our treats without wasting anymore.” - K. Larsen

136. “...in the unique case of a country’s geographic position, it is difficult to consider this factor as anything other than a cause, unless we assume that in prehistoric times peoples migrated to climates that fit their concepts of power distance, which is rather far-fetched.” - Geert Hofstede

137. “Do you have ovaries?" Jacob asked. I shot him a look. "Yes" He slid down the back of the couch and sat beside Brittany. "Then how are you not intrested?” - J. Lynn

138. “Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.” - Michelle Hodkin

139. “I make love like a snake disguised as an elephant and a donkey. But I mustn’t talk about sexual congress and Congress simultaneously.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

140. “Yes!” He wrapped both arms around me, but when I tried to do the same he jumped away. “Watch the suit,” he said, glaring. Oh, boy.” - Michelle Hodkin

141. “I’d even had business cards made up reading, ABIGAIL COOPER, P.I. with teeny-weeny little letters underneath in parentheses spelling out PSYCHIC INTUITIVE. Most people think I’m trying to be clever. The truth is, I’m a chickenshit.” - Victoria Laurie

142. “So just bust a move!” - Ava J. Abramowitz

143. “Could you bring me to Rita’s house before we go to the airport?” I ask. “There’s one last thing I need to ask her to do.” “That is on the other side of the river,” says Ethan.“I know. But I need to see her. Please, I’ll be eternally grateful.” He doesn’t say anything, but instead puts the car in gear and starts the engine. After we are driving for about two minutes he asks. “How grateful?” Ah, I see the old Ethan hasn’t disappeared then. I smile and lean over to place a light peck on his cheek. “This grateful,” I say to him.“Hmm, I think you can do better than that,” he chides in good humor.“You’re driving,” is all I say in reply.“I can pull over,” he answers smartly.” - L.H. Cosway

144. “Warren made a noise, the first one I'd heard out of him since we'd come into the room. I'd have been happier if he hadn't sounded scared."Easy, Warren," Adam told him. "You're safe here.”"If you die on us, you won't be," said Kyle with a growl that would have done credit to any of the werewolves in the room.” - Patricia Briggs

145. “Whenever you feel like feeling like a devil's advocate, Bible-thump. That, in a worldly world, is the great irony and satire of evangelism.” - Criss Jami