149 Funny Quotes To Enjoy

Laughter is a universal language that transcends boundaries and brings people together. Whether you're having a rough day or simply looking to add a little joy to your life, a good laugh can work wonders. To help brighten your day, we've compiled a curated collection of the top 149 funny quotes. These witty, humorous, and downright hilarious sayings are perfect for sharing with friends, family, or just enjoying on your own. So sit back, relax, and get ready to chuckle as you dive into these delightful quotes.

1. “Be what you would seem to be - or, if you'd like it put more simply - never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.” - Lewis Carroll

2. “It was all Mrs. Bumble. She would do it," urged Mr. Bumble; first looking round, to ascertain that his partner had left the room.That is no excuse," returned Mr. Brownlow. "You were present on the occasion of the destruction of these trinkets, and, indeed, are the more guilty of the two, in the eye of the law; for the law supposes that your wife acts under your direction."If the law supposes that," said Mr. Bumble, squeezing his hat emphatically in both hands, "the law is a ass — a idiot. If that's the eye of the law, the law is a bachelor; and the worst I wish the law is, that his eye may be opened by experience — by experience.” - Charles Dickens

3. “She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.” - John Green

4. “Dogs have their day but cats have 365.” - Lilian Jackson Braun

5. “Four times during the first six days they were assembled and briefed and then sent back. Once, they took off and were flying in formation when the control tower summoned them down. The more it rained, the worse they suffered. The worse they suffered, the more they prayed that it would continue raining. All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars. All through the day, they looked at the bomb line on the big, wobbling easel map of Italy that blew over in the wind and was dragged in under the awning of the intelligence tent every time the rain began. The bomb line was a scarlet band of narrow satin ribbon that delineated the forward most position of the Allied ground forces in every sector of the Italian mainland.For hours they stared relentlessly at the scarlet ribbon on the map and hated it because it would not move up high enough to encompass the city.When night fell, they congregated in the darkness with flashlights, continuing their macabre vigil at the bomb line in brooding entreaty as though hoping to move the ribbon up by the collective weight of their sullen prayers. "I really can't believe it," Clevinger exclaimed to Yossarian in a voice rising and falling in protest and wonder. "It's a complete reversion to primitive superstition. They're confusing cause and effect. It makes as much sense as knocking on wood or crossing your fingers. They really believe that we wouldn't have to fly that mission tomorrow if someone would only tiptoe up to the map in the middle of the night and move the bomb line over Bologna. Can you imagine? You and I must be the only rational ones left."In the middle of the night Yossarian knocked on wood, crossed his fingers, and tiptoed out of his tent to move the bomb line up over Bologna.” - Joseph Heller

6. “I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn't have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.” - Haven Kimmel

7. “You are the Energizer Bunny for badasses. -Ash” - Sherrilyn Kenyon

8. “STYLE IS NOT HOW YOU WRITE IT IS HOW YOUDO NOT WRITE LIKE ANYONE ELSE” - Charles Ghigna

9. “By the light," he said, when he had mastered himself. "I think that beats singing a lullaby to a stormdog for simplicity and economy, Maerad. But I wish I had known that you simply had to blow at Hulls to get rid of them. It would have saved me a few scars.” - Alison Croggon

10. “Have I come at a bad time?" she managed to say without guffawing. I believe I said something on the order of "argh," and compounded my embarrassment by trying to cover myself with the sweatpants I'd picked up off the floor. ” - Jeffrey Cohen

11. “If god meant for people to talk into cellphones, he would've put our mouths on the side of our heads.” - Devon Sampson

12. “Tag opened the door to his knock, and with a look of disappointment, peered behind Wade."You got someone better coming over?" Wade asked him."Pizza," Tag said.” - Jill Shalvis

13. “Because there's no way on earth she's going to make it through college unless she grows some serious ovaries and turns this train wreck around” - Lisa McMann

14. “Manchee comes outta the bushes and sits down next to me cuz I’ve stopped right there in the middle of a trail. He looks around to see what I might be seeing and then he says, ”Good poo, Todd.” ”I’m sure it was, Manchee.”I’d better not get another ruddy dog when my birthday comes. What I want this year is a hunting knife like the one Ben carries on the back of his belt. Now that’s a present for a man.“Poo,” Manchee’s says quietly.” - Patrick Ness

15. “Took me a while to get to the point today, but that is because I did not know what the point was when I started.” - William Safire

16. “Being dead wasn't supposed to hurt. Where was the fairness in that? If I was dead, the least the universe could do was make it painless” - Kiersten White

17. “Albus Dumbledore had gotten to his feet. He was beaming at the students, his arms opened wide, as if nothing could have pleased him more than to see them all there."Welcome!" he said. "Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!""Thank you!"He sat back down. Everybody clapped and cheered. Harry didn't know whether to laugh or not.“Is he — a bit mad?” he asked Percy uncertainly."Mad?" said Percy airily. "He's a genius! Best wizard in the world! But he is a bit mad, yes. Potatoes, Harry?” - J.K. Rowling

18. “Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?” - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux

19. “Did I ever tell you the difference between a Northern fairy tale and a Southern one?" she asked him, indulging herself and letting her head rest on his shoulder. God, he felt good. Her man. Where her head was meant to lie, right there, on him. "What's the difference?""A Northern one starts 'once upon a time,' while a Southern one starts 'y'all ain't going to believe this shit.” - Erin McCarthy

20. “Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.” - Jennifer Crusie

21. “She was an idiot. An adorable, gorgeous, feisty, funny, sweet, sexy idiot.” - Sarah Mayberry

22. “Puns are the highest form of literature.” - Alfred Hitchcock

23. “I watch the Eruptions. Mount Dad, long dormant, now considered armed and dangerous. Mount Saint Mom, oozing lava, spitting flame. Warn the villagers to run into the sea.” - Laurie Halse Anderson

24. “The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone." Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.” - James Finn Garner

25. “The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.” - Gavin Pretor-Pinney

26. “Yes, I kidnapped that Lindberg baby.” - Chuck Palahniuk

27. “Captain Jibby looked at the door, clenched his teeth, and worked his face into a scowl so fierce you would think the door had insulted his mother - which, for the record, it had not.” - Cuthbert Soup

28. “The great William Shakespeare said, "What's in a name?" He also said, "Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.” - Cuthbert Soup

29. “The Death Eaters can't all be pure-blood, there aren't enough pure-blood wizards left," said Hermione stubbornly. "I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It's only Muggle-borns they hate, they'd be quite happy to let you and Ron join up" "There is no way they'd let me be a Death Eater!" said Ron indignantly...."My whole family are blood traitors! That's as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!" "And they'd love to have me," said Harry sarcastically. "We'd be best pals if they didn't keep trying to do me in.” - J.K. Rowling

30. “They say the path of true love never runs smooth. Well, Luke and my true love's path didn't run at all, it limped along in new boots that were chafing its heels. Blistered and cut, red and raw, every hopping, lopsided step, a little slice of agony.” - Marian Keyes

31. “Unless philosophy can make a Juliet,Displant a town, reverse a prince’s doom,It helps not, it prevails not.” - William Shakespeare

32. “It may be prodigious, but it's all Greek to me!” - Herge

33. “The Puffer Fish: Wherein the author flaunts his vocabulary.His father was IRA and his mother was Quebecois, and they had reliquished their mortal coils in the internecine conflagration that ended their conjoined separatist movement, IRA-Q. The appellation he was given by his progenitors was Ray O'Vaque ("Like the battery," he'd elucidate, with an adamantine stare that proscribed any mirth). In his years of incarceration, however, he had earned the sobriquet "Uncle Milty" for his piscine amatory habits.He had been emancipated from the penitentiary for three weeks, and now his restless peregrinations had conveyed him to this liminal place, seeking compurgation in the permafrost of the hyperborean tundra, which was an apt analogue of the permafrost in his heart. He insinuated himself into the caravansary with nugatory expectations, which were confirmed by the exiguous provisions for comfort. But then the bartender looked up from laving the begrimed bar, his eyes growing luminous as he ejactulated, "Milt!” - Howard Mittelmark

34. “I seem to be allergic to whatever that terrible smell is," said Gateman when the urge to sneeze had finally subsided."What terrible smell?""The air," said Gateman. "It smells...different.""That's called oxygen," said Professor Boxley. "Freh air. No cars, no buses, no factories; just pure, clean oxygen.” - Cuthbert Soup

35. “What did Isabelle want?" Jace asked.Alec hesitated. "Isabelle says the Queen of the Seelie Court has requested an audience with us.""Sure," said Magnus. "And Madonna wants me as a backup dancer on her next world tour."Alec looked puzzled. "Who's Madonna?""Who's the Queen of the Seelie Court?" said Clary."She is the Queen of Faerie," said Magnus. "Well, the local one, anyway."Jace put his head in his hands. "Tell Isabelle no.""But she thinks it's a good idea," Alec protested."Then tell her no twice.” - Cassandra Clare

36. “Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff? “I’m not one of those fancy Harvard heart surgeons. I’m just an unlicensed plumber with a dream and I’d like to cut your chest open.” The crowd cheers.” - Tina Fey

37. “Sorry, Bex," Jason said "You don't have the recognizable facial characteristics - such as a huge chin, or a large amount of real estate between the eyes - that would merit the bestowing of a criminal mastermind nickname such as Lockjaw or Walleye. Whereas Crazytop here...well, just look at her." "Atleast I can blow-dry my hair straight," I pointed out. "Which is more than what I can say for your nose, Hawkface.” - Meg Cabot

38. “Gods, I love it when you talk mathy to me.” - Kresley Cole

39. “The doctor seemed especially troubled by the fact of the robbery having been unexpected, and attempted in the night-time; as if it were the established custom of gentlemen in the housebreaking way to transact business at noon, and to make an appointment, by the twopenny post, a day or two previous.” - Charles Dickens

40. “In this world only the paranoid survive.” - Dean Koontz

41. “Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.” - Jack London

42. “I can't believe this heat," Abbey said, taking her tunic and pulling it over her head. Underneath was a form-fitting top that showed a figure unaccustomed to idleness or excess. Kip stared at her the way he had at the shiney curves of the steel horse back in the garage. "Can you imagine what it must have been like hundreds of years ago, when weather changed just a few times a year?" she said, wiping sweat from her brow with the back of her hand. "Yeah, it must have looked great," Kip said. "What do you mean looked great?" Abbey said, turning her eye on Kip. "Must have been great, like you said," he corrected.” - Shawn Keenan

43. “If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.” - Richard Kadrey

44. “To be unpopular, you must look the part. Remember four words: plastic flowered swim cap.” - Jennifer Ziegler

45. “I thank God daily for the good fortune of my birth, for I am certain I would have made a miserable peasant.” - C.S. Forester

46. “So, Americans, then. Self-appointed vigilante defenders of the world, kind of like Superman, if Superman was retarded and only fought crime when he felt like it.” - Yahtzee Croshaw

47. “Look at your eyes. You've got bigger bags than Louis Vuitton.” - Matt Dunn

48. “Life is like Tetris; if it doesn't fit, just flip it over” - Sabine Hein

49. “She already had a headache-she didn't want to add 'get tortured' to today's to-do list.” - C.C. Hunter

50. “Is he about to kiss me? Did he eat garlic too or was I the only one? 'Cause if Ric didn't eat garlic then my breath's gonna stink and he'll think... Oh for fuck sake, shut up internal dialogue!” - Zathyn Priest

51. “Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.” - Bauvard

52. “Dave walked closer to me, his dark eyes combing my every move. "Do you always hold your guitar like that?"I dropped my pick. "Do you always shop at Hot Topic?” - Tara Kelly

53. “Your perception is riveting, Amal," he says in a bored and sarcastic tone, dropping the note down on my desk. "It's comforting to know that there are people in my class who have the maturity and intelligence to make derogatory comments about other people's external appearances."Now what am I supposed to say to that?"What do you have to say for yourself?"Friggin' mind reader.” - Randa Abdel-Fattah

54. “Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.” - Doug MacLeod

55. “Ren took off his jacket, which slicited a squeak from Jennifer who was now totally focused on Ren's golden-bronze biceps. His perfectly fitted muscle shirt showed off his extremely well-developed arms and chest. I hissed at him quietly, "For heaven's sake, Ren! You're going to give the women heart palpitations!” - Colleen Houck

56. “I’m sure all of that’s true. Especially the anal bit--Marshall’s always been an ass--but I don’t see how this is relevant, unless of course I’m mistaken, and you really are comparing me to a crumb that needs sweeping. - Shella” - Krista Alasti

57. “[Or perhaps my friends should have realized that they shouldn't have left behind the FRICKING REASON FOR THEIR PROTEST!And that thought just cracked me up.]It was like my friends had walked over the backs of baby seals in order to get to the beach where they could protest against the slaughter of baby seals.” - Sherman Alexie

58. “don't make me throw my boot at you, because I will, you grumpy high testosterone driven male” - Keisha Keenleyside

59. “With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.” - Criss Jami

60. “Shoving aside fear and self-doubt, I met his eyes, aiming for absolute confidence in both my stance and my voice. “My father taught me to disarm my opponent at all costs—regardless of his choice of weapon,” I said, glancing pointedly at his groin.“Are you threatening me?”“Damn right. Lay one hand on me and you’ll never stand to pee again.”His eyes darkened, and his laugh sounded forced. “You’re very funny, gatita.”“I’m glad you think so. I’ve always considered my sense of humor to be largely under-appreciated, so it’s nice to finally meet a fan.” - Rachel Vincent

61. “Okay, time to get serious. I let my smile fade slowly and lowered my pitch, as no human woman could have. “I’m not joking this time. If I see it, it’s mine, and you won’t get it back at the end of the school year.” I growled, deep and long, savoring the feel of the vibrations in my throat, as if the sound alone could save me. It wasn’t quite a cat’s growl but it was damn close. And it was his last warning.Miguel dismissed my threat with an easy smile, and my stomach clenched. Oh, yeah, Faythe. You have Puss shaking in his boots, all right.” - Rachel Vincent

62. “Is that clear?" said Borcht "as clear as pea soup" I said” - James Patterson

63. “Psychobabble attempts to redefine the entire English language just to make a correct statement incorrect. Psychology is the study of why someone would try to do this.” - Criss Jami

64. “In sum," Midlife said, giving the room his best you-the-jury baritone, "Our defense will be...?" He looked to Matt for the answer/"Blame the other guy," Matt said."Which other guy?""Yes.""Huh?""We blame whoever we can," Matt said. "The CFO, the COO, the C Choose-Your-Favorite-Two-Letter-Combination, the accounting firm, the banks, the board, the lower-level employees. We claim some of them are crooks. We claim some of them made honest mistakes that steamrolled.""Isn't that contradictory?" Midlife asked, folding his hands and lowering his eyebrows. "Claiming both malice and mistakes?" He stopped, looked up, smiled, nodded. Malice and mistakes. Midlife liked the way that sounded."We're looking to confuse," Matt said. "You blame enough people, nothing sticks. The jury end up knowing something went wrong but you don't know where to place the blame. We throw facts and figures at them. We bring up every possible mistake, every uncrossed t and dotted i. We act like discrepancy is a huge deal, even if it's not. We are skeptical of EVERYONE.” - Harlan Coben

65. “How'd you get to be so good at this?""I had a good teacher.""Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.""I mean you, dummy.""Oh.” - Rachel Caine

66. “They said I was a valued customer, now they send me hate mail.” - Sophie Kinsella

67. “You okay?""Fine.""Your heart's beating really fast.""Gee, thanks. That's very comforting that you can hear it."He smiled, and it was the old Michael, the one she'd first met before all the vamp stuff."Yeah, I know it is. Sorry. Just stay behind me if there's trouble.""You sound like Shane.""Well, he did say he'd kill me if I got you hurt. I'm just looking after my own neck.""Liar.” - Rachel Caine

68. “Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.” - Rachel Caine

69. “Promise me, Amelie, that you’ll crucify me with silver before you allow me to fall in love.”“I hardly think there’s any chance of that,” Amelie said. "I doubt you have the capacity.” - Rachel Caine

70. “If fucking up is power, I should be the Hulk by now.” - Richard Kadrey

71. “I can’t believe I’ve missed this sport. It’s all about fingering holes and caressing balls.” - K.A. Mitchell

72. “Ash is going to kick your ass, Daemon."Daemon's grin went up a notch. "Nah, she likes my ass too much for that.” - Jennifer L. Armentrout

73. “You make me sound like an arrogant ass," he said."Are you?""No! I'm just me.” - P.C. Cast

74. “Adrian, I'm on a date. Why are you here? On my car?” - Richelle Mead

75. “At the door, Audrey called, "Are you coming?""No, just breathing hard, love." He glanced at her and was rewarded by an outraged glare, followed by, "Oh, my God!” - Ilona Andrews

76. “That's all right," she told him. "I can manage. I can sleep outside just fine."Four pairs of eyes looked at her with a distinctly male skepticism.” - Ilona Andrews

77. “So you're here by yourself?"“Yes."“Seems like an odd place to come by yourself."“I needed to get away."“Woman trouble? That's another of my father's expressions."“No, actually. I poisoned my neighbor's dogs."After a moment she said, “How drunk are you?"“Quite."“Is that true?"“What?"“That you poisoned your neighbor’s dogs."“I’m afraid it is."“I have dogs."“Well, keep them away from me.” - David Gilmour

78. “Stupid Romanian bloodsucker. He was lucky I hadn't bestowed another exalted scar on his imperial body.” - Beth Fantaskey

79. “Neither sleet nor rain nor a half inch of snow will compel me to dress like a lumberjack.” - Gayle Forman

80. “I'm dating three men, living with two more, and having occasional sex with two others. That's seven men. I'm like a pornographic Snow White. I think seven is plenty.” - Laurell K. Hamilton

81. “I looked at the stained-glass image of the lamb in the window above me, but that only reminded me that lambs are famous for being led to slaughter, or sometimes hanging out with lions in ill-advised relationships.” - Maureen Johnson

82. “...what was the good of being a movie werewolf? You howled at the moon; you couldn't remember what you did, and then somebody shot you.” - Anne Rice

83. “...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.” - E.A. Bucchianeri

84. “Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.” - Benson Bruno

85. “She had put on make-up in a colour scheme that indicated she might be colourblind.” - Stieg Larsson

86. “Zen cuts straight through the Quidditch match in progress and almost gets taken down by a Beater hurling a Nerf quaffle right at his machopartes.” - Megan McCafferty

87. “Vampires have credit cards?""We're undead, not Amish.” - Jennifer Colgan

88. “Stupid male ego.” - Tera Lynn Childs

89. “She went back to Shane and settles in on his lap again, arm around his neck. His circled her waist. "I thought you had to go," he said. "And don't think i didn't see you kissing on my best friend.""He deserved it.""Yeah. Maybe i ought to kiss him, too."Michael, on his way out, didn't bother to turn around for that one. "Oh sure, you always promise.” - Rachel Caine Black Dawn

90. “Myrnin was silent for a beat, and then he said, "Bob would be very disappointed in you.” - Rachel Caine

91. “Attacking a provincial lord in his manor house, surrounded by guards...Honestly, Kell, I'd nearly forgotten how foolhardy you can be."Foolhardy?" Kelsier asked with a laugh. "that wasn't foolhardy - that was just a small diversion. You should see some of the things I'm planning to do!Dockson stood for a moment then he laughed too. "By the Lord Ruler, it's good to have you back, kell! I'm afraid I've grown rather boring during the last few years""We'll fix that" Kelsier promised.” - Brandon Sanderson

92. “-What's so funny?""-Sorry," David said, reddening again. "You just taste so sweet.""-What do you mean, sweet?"He licked his bottom lip one more time."-You taste like honey.""-Honey?""-Yeah, I thought I was going nuts the day...well, you know, that one day. But it was the same today. Your mouth is really sweet."He paused for a second, then grinned."-Hot like honey-like nectar. That makes more sense.""-Great. Now I'm going to have to explain that to everyone I kiss for the rest of my life unless it's you or another faerie." She'd almost said Tamani's name. Her fingers flew to the ring around her neck.David shrugged."-Then don't kiss anyone except me.""-David...""-I'm just offering up the obvious solution," he said, hands up in protest.” - Aprilynne Pike

93. “Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).” - John D. Rhodes

94. “It means you got your glow on." He smiled, hovering right alongside me. "It means you're on your way.” - Alyson Noel

95. “yes, i have dated Salvador Dali guy when i was a high school girl. he was a great lover. but i had to dump him because he stole my inspiration of bent clock*~* .... who cares...” - Hiroko Sakai

96. “How come dog and dog owner are so alike?” - Hiroko Sakai

97. “my problem is that my body acts before my brain thinks... it sometimes brings me huge trouble, or also huge success. recently, my body and brain got come to an agreement. it may be far better to live this gambling life than living in boring average ...they at least make my art more interesting” - Hiroko Sakai

98. “If you find yourself suddenly mated to a werewolf, whatever you do, don't panic. Simply turn to Jen for assistance and she will give you a cool acronym to call him…because that's just so important.” - Quinn Loftis

99. “Unexpected Elizabeth wasn’t falling into his arms as he’d anticipated, even after he had acted heroic and been valiantly injured. Perhaps he had lost her.” - Kresley Cole

100. “You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.”Oh, well, how nice for me.” - Cherise Sinclair

101. “HERE LIES THE MYSTERY PISSERP.I.P.” - Wendelin Van Draanen

102. “The French: a people who have used their sophisticated culture and beautiful language to bequeath to the world the sliced potato.” - Bauvard

103. “Use condoms; it’s wise not to gamble with your children's future.” - Bauvard

104. “Moderation: a median with no means, praised by those with no misfortunes, practiced by those with no merits.” - Bauvard

105. “It's a sweet setup, I'll admit. For all that the maids STILL show up each day with jumbo crucifixes, jumpy movements, and red eyes from crying over the short straw that drew them vampire duty.' Yesterday, she'd just stopped herself from raising her clenched hands above her head and chasing one of them around the room groaning, 'I vant to suck your blood.” - Kresley Cole

106. “Nix: We're not leaving without her. So unless you want permanent houseguests of the destructive sort, just hand her over.” - Kresley Cole

107. “I had a fucking standing ovation going on in my goddamn pants, and it was demanding an encore.” - Nenia Campbell

108. “I found this, though," Gazzy said excitedly, holding up a small green box. "Gas-X! Like, 'X' for explosion! This is great! I'm thinking I rig this with a detonator and-""Did you find that in the medicine cabinet?" Dylan asked."Yeah.""It's for upset stomachs," Dylan said, trying to hide a smile. He pointed to the words on the box. "It's to reduce gas in you digestive system, not to create more gas to make explosions."Gazzy's face fell as Iggy said, "Really? Gazzy, take it! Take the whole box!” - James Patterson

109. “WHY did she do this? She was a terrible drunk texter. All the things she wanted to say to people during the day came out at night, like a vampire.” - Harriet Evans

110. “After climbing off his bike, I smacked his shoulder. “Did you forget I was with you? Are you trying to get me killed?”“It’s hard to forget you’re behind me when your thighs are squeezing the life out of me.” A smirk came with his next thought. “I couldn’t think of a better way to die, actually.”“There is something very wrong with you.” - Jamie McGuire

111. “Speaking of… does this mean you get your phone back?” I shrug. “I don’t really want that phone back. I’m hoping my whipped boyfriend will get me an iPhone for Christmas.” - Colleen Hoover

112. “I don’t understand you, Pigeon. I thought I knew women, but you’re so fucking confusing I don’t know which way is up.”“I don’t understand you, either. You’re supposed to be Eastern’s ladies’ man. I’m not getting the full freshmen experience they promised in the brochure,” I teased.” - Jamie McGuire

113. “Your big scary husband is crying.” - Robyn Carr

114. “Oh. Momma told me not to tell you that your bed squeaks. But I think you know, 'cause I could hear it this morning. Jake dropped his fork. Tor, for the first time Jake had ever seen, turned scarlet. Maureen looked at them both and sighed. Christmas is always so interesting with you, Mark.” - Chris Owen

115. “Yeah,” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly . . .”“And from now on, I don’t care if my tea leaves spell die, Ron, die — I’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.” - J.K. Rowling

116. “Промеж досок я его видел!” - Ольга Громыко

117. “It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.” - Andy Rooney

118. “Some vampires wouldn't react if you shoved a rosary down their pants, though I wouldn't recommend testing the theory.” - Molly Harper

119. “Leaving knots untied and scattering seeds to distract them will only work on vampires with OCD.” - Molly Harper

120. “We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.” - Molly Harper

121. “Instead of putting flowers in books to flatten them you can use a brick.” - Nicole McKay

122. “Parvati positively beamed. Harry could tell that she was feeling guilty for having laughed at Hermione in Transfiguration. He looked around and saw that Hermione was beaming back, if possible even more brightly. Girls were very strange sometimes.” - J.K. Rowling

123. “My prerogative right now is to just chill and let all the other overexposed blondes on the cover of Us Weekly (magazine) be your entertainment.” - Britney Spears

124. “He whipped the chair around and actually split one of the things in half with the impact, spilling the spray of blood that was reflective, like mercury.John bellowed, "Anyone else want to donate blood to chair-ity?"He ducked into the the door and bashed one monster right in the wig, screaming, "There's some dessert! With a chair-y on top!” - David Wong

125. “It's true. Goodfellow is monogamous. he's become a freak. A pervert. Depravity on the cloven hoof.""Or his balls fell off," suggested another puck who came to the bar. "Or his dick. Anyone who would hang out with Bacchus is bound to get a catastrophic genital rotting illness at some point.” - Rob Thurman

126. “Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in Queensland. And then there are the poisonous spiders and the jellyfish. Not to mention the crocs and the great white sharks. Another point in favor of New Zealand. Very benign place, En Zed.” - Rosalind James

127. “You look angry," he said."You put me on hold.""For a very good reason.""You put me," she said very, very slowly, "on hold.” - Derek Landy

128. “But...that doesn't make any sense...!''It does if you're a goat.” - Linda Medley

129. “As grumblers go, Stubble was in a league of his own.” - Ian Livingstone

130. “Curse you Kakarrot!” - Akira Toriyama

131. “I had shaved my beard for her-a huge disappointment, because I’d enjoyed my three weeks looking like a bank robber.” - Jennifer Echols

132. “It's not a stereotype if it's always true.” - Daniel Tosh

133. “Amy Curry," I could still hear him intoning, "never end a sentence with a preposition!" Irked that after six years he was still mentally correcting me, I told the Mr. Collins in my head to off fuck.” - Morgan Matson

134. “That's us," I said smiling brightly. "The Udells." That seemed to wake Roger up a little, and he blinked at me, surprised."Finally," the clerk muttered. "All right. Names?" he asked, fingers posed over his keyboard."Oh," I said, "Well. That's... Edmund. And I'm Hillary." Roger glanced over at me, a little more sharply, and I tried to shrug as subtly as possible.” - Morgan Matson

135. “Whoever invented the spork should be killed.” - Neal Shusterman

136. “I certainly hadn't expected to walk away from today's trip with joint custody of a miniature dragon.” - Richelle Mead

137. “Yeah, okay. You're right. I was having dinner with Zombie Carl the other night. You know, steak, rare, and a bottle of vintage type A. He told me all his secrets, but too bad for you I promised him I wouldn't tell. In exchange I asked him to gather his best undead buddies and stalk me through my friend's yard. And oh, yeah, it was totally fine if they wanted to use me as an all-night-dinner buffet, because having organs is SO last year.” - Gena Showalter

138. “If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? Well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

139. “Abel was brushing the snow off his parka while Micha was dancing around him, still balancing the plate of cookies, singing, 'We're staying, we're staying, we're staying overnight! We're drying! We're drying! We're drying on the line!” - Antonia Michaelis

140. “Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?''''Yes...''''I caught her staring at my lighter.''I blinked. ''You gave a child, in a psych ward , a lighter?''His eyes crinkled at the corners. ''She seemed trustworthy.''''You're sick,'' I said, but smiled.''Hey, nobody's perfect. '' Noah smiled back.” - Michelle Hodkin

141. “Love is meant to be sipped, rather than chugged, like a glass of wine you drink strait from the bottle.
” - Dark Jar Tin Zoo

142. “In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant.""you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified."No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding?” - Carrie Jones

143. “I think we may have started this conversation off on the wrong foot," Robert said finally. In fact, if the conversation had been animate, the merciful thing to do would have been to take it out behind the barn and shoot it.” - Courtney Milan - The Duchess War

144. “Please ta meetcha, kid. I'm Aahz.""Oz?""No Relation.""No relation to what?" I asked, but he was examining the room again.” - Robert Lynn Asprin

145. “He can't get broke so long as he is stuffed with money.” - Lyman Frank Baum

146. “It’s only sixteen ninety-five," I say with a flutter of my lashes."You’re serious."I prop my hands on my waist and stick out a hip, striking a pose worthy of a supermodel. "Look at me. Don’t I look serious?"She collapses into the chair outside the dressing room in a fit of giggles so cute they make my insides fizz. "No! You must be stopped," she says."Why?" I strut down an aisle of yellowed lingerie, swiveling my hips, batting bras with flicks of my fingers. "I will be the king of the disco. I will be—" I spin and strike another pose. "An inspiration."She sniffs and swipes at her eyes. "The real Dylan would die before he’d be seen in public in something like that.""The real Dylan is boring." I brace my hands on the arms of her chair and lean down until our faces are a whisper apart. "And he’s not one fourth the kisser I am.""Is that right?" Her lips quirk."You know it is."Her smile melts, and her breath comes faster. "Yeah. I do.” - Stacey Jay

147. “Are you mad that he's here?" Marie whispered in my ear.I shook my head while I prepared two vodka tonics."Well, you look mad." She laughed at me. "What's wrong?" "I'm allergic to whores," I said under my breath.” - Tina Reber

148. “Come live with us, Diana. Don't argue. Just say yes."Diana looked at the ground to hide her emotions. Then she said, "Would I have to be hearing you two going at it night and day?” - Michael Grant

149. “Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.” - Elizabeth Eulberg