31 Funny Drinking Quotes

In a world where humor and a good drink often go hand in hand, few things can lift the spirits like a clever quip about enjoying a cocktail or two. Whether you're unwinding after a long day or sharing a laugh with friends at a weekend gathering, a witty drinking quote can add just the right amount of levity to the occasion. We've curated a list of the top 31 funny drinking quotes that capture the essence of those joyous, light-hearted moments. So, pour yourself a glass of your favorite beverage and get ready to chuckle as you explore this collection of hilarity and cheer.

1. “After the first glass of vodkayou can accept just about anythingof life even your own mysteriousnessyou think it is nice that a boxof matches is purple and brown and is called La Petite and comes from Swedenfor they are words that you know and that is all you know words not their feelings or what they mean and you write because you know them not because you understand them because you don't you are stupid and lazy and will never be great but you do what you know because what else is there?” - Frank O'Hara

2. “First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.” - F. Scott Fitzgerald

3. “When a man who is drinking neat gin starts talking about his mother he is past all argument.” - C.S. Forester

4. “There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.” - Chelsea Handler

5. “For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity or perception to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.” - Friedrich Nietzsche

6. “Whenever the devil harasses you, seek the company of men or drink more, or joke and talk nonsense, or do some other merry thing. Sometimes we must drink more, sport, recreate ourselves, and even sin a little to spite the devil, so that we leave him no place for troubling our consciences with trifles. We are conquered if we try too conscientiously not to sin at all. So when the devil says to you: do not drink, answer him: I will drink, and right freely, just because you tell me not to.” - Martin Luther

7. “You can learn a lot about a woman by getting smashed with her.” - Tom Waits

8. “To alcohol! The cause of... and solution to... all of life's problems” - Matt Groening

9. “I like to change liquor stores frequently because the clerks got to know your habits if you went in night and day and bought huge quantities. I could feel them wondering why I wasn't dead yet and it made me uncomfortable. They probably weren't thinking any such thing, but then a man gets paranoid when he has 300 hangovers a year.” - Charles Bukowski

10. “Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.” - Craig Ferguson

11. “I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache; and what is more, I never intend to have it.” - Mark Twain

12. “Now is the time to drink!” - Horace

13. “Hitch: making rules about drinking can be the sign of an alcoholic,' as Martin Amis once teasingly said to me. (Adorno would have savored that, as well.) Of course, watching the clock for the start-time is probably a bad sign, but here are some simple pieces of advice for the young. Don't drink on an empty stomach: the main point of the refreshment is the enhancement of food. Don't drink if you have the blues: it's a junk cure. Drink when you are in a good mood. Cheap booze is a false economy. It's not true that you shouldn't drink alone: these can be the happiest glasses you ever drain. Hangovers are another bad sign, and you should not expect to be believed if you take refuge in saying you can't properly remember last night. (If you really don't remember, that's an even worse sign.) Avoid all narcotics: these make you more boring rather than less and are not designed—as are the grape and the grain—to enliven company. Be careful about up-grading too far to single malt Scotch: when you are voyaging in rough countries it won't be easily available. Never even think about driving a car if you have taken a drop. It's much worse to see a woman drunk than a man: I don't know quite why this is true but it just is. Don't ever be responsible for it.” - Christopher Hitchens

14. “Beer's intellectual. What a shame so many idiots drink it.- The Watchful Poker Chip of H. Matisse” - Ray Bradbury

15. “I think piracy is a bit like drinking. You want to stay out all night doing it, you pay the price the next day.” - Scott Lynch

16. “It comes in pints?” - Peter Jackson

17. “Here, drink your liqueur," Henry said, tossing back her drink. "I carry it with me everywhere because it's the only kind of drink that Leo doesn't like, so there's a chance I'll still have some tomorrow.” - Eloisa James

18. “Don't drink too much.""When I can spell out your name in shot glasses, I'll stop.""I'll have to get a shorter name.""I'll have to forget how to spell it.” - Richard Kadrey

19. “I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.” - Darynda Jones

20. “The food we were given was no more than eatable, but the patron was not mean about drink; he allowed us two litres of wine a day each, knowing that if a plongeur is not given two litres he will steal three.” - George Orwell

21. “Mulled ale for the frozen man,And mulled ale for the weary:For mulled ale is the body's friendAnd makes the sick heart merry.” - Frans G. Bengtsson

22. “In Irena’s head the alcohol plays a double role: it frees her fantasy, encourages her boldness, makes her sensual, and at the same time it dims her memory. She makes love wildly, lasciviously, and at the same time the curtain of oblivion wraps her lewdness in an all-concealing darkness. As if a poet were writing his greatest poem with ink that instantly disappears.” - Milan Kundera

23. “He dozed off, into a dreamless oblivion, for what seemed like seconds but was in fact hours, and awoke hungover, the inner surface of his skull pulsing like a single, giant nerve being chewed by some ruminant animal.” - Alex Shakar

24. “There’s something wonderful about drinking in the afternoon. A not-too-cold pint, absolutely alone at the bar – even in this fake-ass Irish pub.” - Anthony Bourdain

25. “Imagine a delicious glass of summer iced tea.Take a long cool sip. Listen to the ice crackle and clink.Is the glass part full or part empty?Take another sip.And now?” - Vera Nazarian

26. “I loved the full heat of being drunk, like I was made of melting chocolate and spreading in all directions.” - Leslie Jamison

27. “Whoever drinks beer, he is quick to sleep; whoever sleeps long, does not sin; whoever does not sin, enters Heaven! Thus, let us drink beer!” - Martin Luther

28. “It was so quiet, a reservation kind of quiet, where you can hear somebody drinking whiskey on the rocks three miles away.” - Sherman Alexie

29. “I mean, that's at least in part why I ingested chemical waste - it was a kind of desire to abbreviate myself. To present the CliffNotes of the emotional me, as opposed to the twelve-column read.I used to refer to my drug use as putting the monster in the box. I wanted to be less, so I took more - simple as that. Anyway, I eventually decided that the reason Dr. Stone had told me I was hypomanic was that he wanted to put me on medication instead of actually treating me. So I did the only rational thing I could do in the face of such as insult - I stopped talking to Stone, flew back to New York, and married Paul Simon a week later.” - Carrie Fisher

30. “If my liver cared enough, it would have told me to stop. - Jonathan "Jack" McVoy” - E.J. Eisman

31. “A sober heart conceals, what a drunken mouth reveals, or in your case, a drunken body and lips.” - Taryn Plendl