31 Hilarious And Witty Quotes

In a world where humor often serves as the perfect antidote to the stresses of everyday life, witty and hilarious quotes can provide a much-needed dose of laughter and wisdom. Whether you're in need of a pick-me-up, crafting the perfect Instagram caption, or just looking to brighten someone's day, our curated collection of the top 31 hilarious and witty quotes is here to deliver smiles and chuckles. From clever one-liners to timeless observations, these quotes capture the spirit of humor and remind us of the joy that comes from not taking life too seriously. Dive in and let these quips reignite your sense of humor!

1. “I just know there's an albino living in the colored quarters. I can feel it in my bones.” - Fannie Flagg

2. “YOU. GOT. FOOD. IN. MY. HAIR.” - Stephenie Meyer

3. “I don't believe in magic.” - J.K. Rowling

4. “Look," I whisper to Cat, "Shooting star! That's good luck."She rolls her eyes. "It's a plane, you idiot," she says, and when I look again I can see that she's right. Typical.” - Cathy Cassidy

5. “I stabbed him,” Flit said weakly, clutching at the tattered remains of Talon’s shirt. “With pens,” Talon agreed. “Is he dead?” Flit’s eyes were huge, the pupils blown black, only a sliver of color showing around the edges. He was probably going into shock.“I don’t think so,” Talon said. “It’s pretty hard to die by pen.” - aggybird

6. “It seems to me that a man who can think straight along for forty-seven years without changing a single idea ought to be kept in a cabinet as a curiosity.” - Jean Webster

7. “Seth rolled his eyes. “Because you’re such a ladies man.”“I can be. I just have standards, is all. I’m very selective about who I choose to spend time with, whereas you’ll fuck anything that moves. And several things that don’t.” - Elle Parker

8. “One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.” - Carroll Bryant

9. “I waved my hand like a frantic dust mop fingers spread ludicrously wide apart as if to say “What jolly fun ” What I wanted to do actually was to leap to my feet strike a pose and burst into one of those “Yo-ho for the open road ” songs they always play in the cinema musicals but I stifled the urge and settled for a ghastly grin and an extra twiddle of the fingers.” - Alan Bradley

10. “It was quite wrong of me Had I heard what I thought I’d heard or were my ears playing hob with me It was more likely that the sun and the moon should suddenly dance a jolly jig in the heavens than that one of my sisters should apologize. It was simply unheard of.” - Alan Bradley

11. “How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?” - Carroll Bryant

12. “Girls are always complaining that they can never meet a nice guy. Nice guys are everywhere. The problem isn’t that there aren't any nice guys, the problem is that all of the nice guys are ugly.” - Carroll Bryant

13. “The look in his eyes turned a little wild. "That's the only reason I'm letting you go. If I had any choice--""You do," she said "Wed can all sit here and let him die. Or you can let Eve go on her wild-ass rescue mission and get herself killed. Or you can let sweet, calm, reasonable Claire go do some talking."He shook his head. His long, elegant hands, which looked so at home wrapped around a guitar, closed into fists. "Guess that means there's no choice.""Not really," Claire agreed. "I was kind of lying about that choice thing.” - Rachel Caine

14. “You mustn't let men drive you to mangling the English language, no matter how sweet they are.” - Marisa de los Santos

15. “Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.” - Mark Watson

16. “Und solange nur garantiert war, dass Rava dabei neben mir stand, hätte ich in diesem Moment sogar eine Einladung auf ein schönes großes Glas abgestandenen Blumenwassers angenommen. ” - Emilia Polo

17. “I’m currently imagining a few creative ways of causing you extraordinary amounts of pain.”Kingsley raised his chin. Mere inches separated their faces.“Stop flirting. You know we don’t have time for that.” - Tiffany Reisz

18. “Now and Laters. Starbust, Pixie Stix. If she gets too bitchy, just feed her this crap. As long as the sugar high is in effect, you and the wildlife should be safe” - Gayle Forman

19. “He was fucking with us pretty hard in the saferoom,” Sandra called from the front of the plane’s undercarriage.“Aw, Sandy, that wasn’t fucking,” Simon said. “That was just, I don’t know, really obnoxious foreplay or something.” - M. Chandler

20. “Beside me, Philippe and Meg hold hands. He murmurs something that sounds like, "my dear leetle mongoose." I wish he'd turn back into a frog and hop away.” - Alex Flinn

21. “Does he ever eat? Nope. Does he sleep during the day and only comes out at night? Yep. Is he so sexy you’d sell your soul to spend just a night with him? Double-yep. What other proof do you need?” - Jayde Scott

22. “Our conversation starts out pretty normal. Matthew does most of the talking, as usual. He tells me about Wesley. He tells me everything. Well, almost everything. I was lucky enough to stop him before he got into the explicit details. Wesley also helped by nudging him with his shoulder. He even covered Matthew's mouth when the conversation took a sudden turn because the word package was used. Yeah, the conversation went from sweet and romantic to soft-core porn in about two seconds.” - L. Arthur

23. “Bildon killed Tad. Look, there’s his dagger hidden in the pot of semolina. There’s the proof,” he screamed. “It’s in the pudding.”What an idiot, thought Madrick as he raced up the steps, the proof is always in the eating.” - Ken Magee

24. “You want to break the curse, I want to break the curse. We don't need to be nice. We need to be effective. Just help me figure it out, and I'll make you a rich woman.” - Kate Avery Ellison

25. “How funny.” I say flatly. “and I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.” His laugh fills the silence and brings a smile to my face.” - K. Larsen

26. “The big male gestured to a chair in the corner. "Mind if I sit?"She nodded her acquiescence. "Go right ahead. That chair has seen more tail than a rock star lately.” - Elisabeth Staab

27. “In Norwegian that would be 'hun ma dra. Kanskje er hun gravid.'" Astley sttempts to smile.i can't help teasing him. "Which? Asking to go to the bathroom or dissing me because I'm pregnant.""you are with child?" his eyes open wid, all mock terrified."No! Shut up. You know I'm not." I punch him in the arm and then lead him into the stairwell, shutting the door behind us. "Okay. Seriously, Astley, what happened to you? Why is your head bleeding?” - Carrie Jones

28. “When we entered the first chamber of the dungeon, the stench made me recoil. It smelled like someone had mixed together kerosene, rotten fruit, stale blood, urine, and dog shit, then blown it up. How had I not noticed this before? I wasn't even breathing, but the rancid odor found its way into my nose anyway."This place stink.""Did the guards forget to spray Febreze?" Vlad asked in mock indignation. Then he gave me a jaded look. "It s a dungeon, Leila. They re supposed to smell."Mission accomplished. The stench might have actually killed my new appetite. If Hell could fart, it would smell like this.” - Jeaniene Frost

29. “Do you sleep in a coffin?” Okay, I admit that one was a little out of line, not to mention corny.“Of course not,” he laughs loudly. “I sleep in a bed.” A pause. “Would you like to see it?” - L.H. Cosway

30. “Will you promise to keep this to yourself, to not tell anyone of what we are?” By his words you’d think he was giving me a choice. Like I could say,no deal, honey bunch, I’m off to shout your secret from the rooftops, and he’d be like, oh no please don’t do that. Inreality, he’d have to kill me.” - L.H. Cosway

31. “On my way to the parking lot, in quick succession, I saw students wearing t-shirts which read, “Save the whales. Collect the whole set,” “Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now,” and “Half the people you know are below average.” Typical for the Eastern student body.” - Neil Plakcy