33 Hilarious Comedy Quotes

Laughter is universal—a delight that breaks barriers and unites people everywhere. Whether it's a quick chuckle or a full-belly laugh, humor has an incredible power to lift spirits and brighten even the gloomiest of days. If you're in need of a hearty laugh or simply want to sprinkle a bit of joy into your routine, you're in the right place. We've gathered a collection of 33 hilarious comedy quotes that are sure to tickle your funny bone. Each quote is a testament to the boundless creativity and wit of some of the best comedic minds. So sit back, relax, and prepare to embark on a lighthearted journey filled with wisdom wrapped in laughter.

1. “There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.” - Erma Bombeck

2. “Life in the movie business is like the beginning of a new love affair: it's full of surprises, and you're constantly getting fucked.” - David Mamet

3. “It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got saran wrap – FIX IT!!!” - Lewis Black

4. “Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.” - Steve Martin

5. “Even amidst tragedy there is laughter, sometimes farce. The degree of farce depends on who is running the tragedy.” - Daniel Prokop

6. “As soon as you have made a thought, laugh at it.” - Lao Tzu

7. “Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.” - Weston Locher

8. “The first way not to shake hands is executed by receiving someone’s hand in yours and proceeding to squeeze it tightly, hurting the other party as if they were responsible for a past death in your family, or your adoption as a child.” - Weston Locher

9. “Ever since the robot was first invented, there have been people who swear up and down that this marks the first step towards the fall of man … To be fair, their arguments are backed with scientific fact taken from documentary films such as The Terminator, The Matrix, and RoboCop.” - Weston Locher

10. “The most comic things of all are exactly the things most worth doing--such as making love.” - G.K. Chesterton

11. “For the record, folks; I never took a shit on stage and the closest I ever came to eating shit anywhere was at a Holiday Inn buffet in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1973.” - Frank Zappa

12. “There are many other little refinements too, Mr. Bohlen. You'll see them all when you study the plans carefully. For example, there's a trick that nearly every writer uses, of inserting at least one long, obscure word into each story. This makes the reader think that the man is very wise and clever. So I have the machine do the same thing. There'll be a whole stack of long words stored away just for this purpose."Where?"In the 'word-memory' section," he said, epexegetically.” - Roald Dahl

13. “I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.” - Craig Ferguson

14. “I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.” - Craig Ferguson

15. “As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.” - George Carlin

16. “Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say... sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of... it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like... after "I love you"... or "You're going to live"... or "It's a boy!” - Demetri Martin

17. “Anyway, my writer gang: they kind of did their comedy apprenticeship with me and, during that period, when they were young and impressionable, I think I infected them with my pun virus. They grew to enjoy puns, think puns, just as much as me. The problem is people don't really like puns any more, so I worry I've rendered the poor fuckers virtually unemployable.” - Frank Skinner

18. “Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell me your sea- boots, Mr. Fay," says O'Sullivan, polite as can be. "But what will you be wantin' of them?" says I. "'Twill be a great favour," says O'Sullivan. "But it's my only pair," says I; "and you have a pair of your own," says I. "Mr. Fay, I'll be needin' me own in bad weather," says O'Sullivan. "Besides," says I, "you have no money." "I'll pay for them when we pay off in Seattle," says O'Sullivan. "I'll not do it," says I; "besides, you're not tellin' me what you'll be doin' with them." "But I will tell yeh," says O'Sullivan; "I'm wantin' to throw 'em over the side." And with that I turns to walk away, but O'Sullivan says, very polite and seducin'-like, still a-stroppin' the razor, "Mr. Fay," says he, "will you kindly step this way an' have your throat cut?" And with that I knew my life was in danger, and I have come to make report to you, sir, that the man is a violent lunatic.” - Jack London

19. “Cause if you shoot a bullet someone dies. If you drop a bomb many die. You hit a woman, love dies. But if you say the F-word... nothing actually happens.” - Richard Curtis

20. “Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!” - Jeff Kinney

21. “DEATH. . .And now you are here to fight for this woman.You know her promise is given.She has to die or her husband won't go free.APOLLORelax, I'm not breaking any laws.DEATHWhy the bow, if you're breaking no laws?APOLLOI always carry a bow, it's my trademark.” - Anne Carson

22. “Oh, God," Lori said without looking at me, "what are they thinking, leaving the two of us alone out here on the dock together? We might TALK or something.""That would be awful," I said. "I might give you a hickey."She laughed, still watching for Cameron's start instead of looking at me. "Just by talking to me?""I can talk really dirty. You'd be surprised.” - Jennifer Echols

23. “Sorry, pigtails, but subtlety isn't an option anymore.” - T. A. Miles

24. “It was the first time her eyes had really met mine and to be honest I think there was more warmth between the lamb chops in the freezer." Daniel meeting Felicity in Cousin Felicity and the Eels of Misty Point.” - Kaal Kaczmarek

25. “We finally settled on Francis Ford Coppola's version of Dracula, which, unfortunately, Gabriel seemed to think was a comedy. I think it was the combination of Keanu Reeves's British accent and Gary Oldman's elderly Count Dracula hairstyle. They're just misleading.” - Molly Harper

26. “When my mother passed away several years ago—well, wait a minute. Actually, she didn’t ‘pass away.’ She died. Something about that verb, ‘to pass away’ always sounds to me as if someone just drifted through the wallpaper. No, my mother did not pass away. She definitely died.” - Steve Allen

27. “Sir, he hath not fed of the dainties that are bred in a book; He hath not eat paper, as it were; he hath not drunk ink; his intellect is not replenished; he is only an animal, only sensible in the duller parts... (Act IV, Scene II)” - William Shakespeare

28. “Funny is funny is funny.” - Bob Newhart

29. “Success=Assinchair” - Judy Griffith Gill

30. “I started to crawl off; then I remembered my leftover pizza, and I peeled off the salami, pepperoni, and anchovies and placed them on the CD tray (whicn no one used these days with flash drives around)on Boone's computer. I hit the close button and watched the smelly part of my delicious dinner slide away. Boone would have a great time wondering 'where's that smell coming from?” - Duffy Brown

31. “I've never heard of a man's cock being described as a fang before. - Rapahel” - Nalini Singh

32. “People from different cultures have different definitions for beauty. Isn't that sad to judge others with our standards... rather than appreciate them?” - Mizuki Nomura

33. “Marcus looked down. “Ah, man! This was my favorite shirt. Who tore it?” he asked, trying to pull the ragged edges together.” - Ripley Patton